An expression of pain
One day I was really bored. So I paid some fortune teller to give me a fortune.
“I predict you regreting that you wasted 5 bucks on this dumb fortune. SUCKER!”
This made me angry. So I took out my bazooka and blasted her tent. YAY!
Later that day I went home and watched TV.
There was nothing on except sports and politics. After a while I shouted:
“I'M FED UP WITH THIS CHANNEL!”
and went to bed.
DAY 1[edit | edit source]
I woke up with a THUD! My bed was broken. I couldn't get up. I then noticed I was HUGE! I was fat too.I was also too heavy to walk and too big too fit through the door.
I finally crawled to the bathroom. I broke every scale I own. Then I had an idea. I crawled up the stairs. Trust me, that was near impossible.
I went in the garage. I weighed myself on the truck scale. I gained 500 pounds!
“I need to work out!”
So I decided to join a gym.
DAY 2[edit | edit source]
I had a lot of homework. So I decided to do some at the gym.
As I was doing my advanced physics test, My arm had a muscle spasm. My work broke through a window an hit an innocent bystander.
“WTF WAS THAT ABOUT!”
“I'm in the doghouse now aren't I?”
“Yes you are. Now pay for the window so I can kick you out of the gym.”
I ran home crying. I fell asleep on the couch.
DAY 3[edit | edit source]
I woke up outside. There was a coller around my neck. I was naked. Then I realized I was a dog! I turned into a miniture dachshund! Not only that but this wasn't my house!
I ran to the garden. I found my "owner".
“ARF ARF ARF!”
“WILL YOU SHUT UP!”
I decided to leave her alone and dig up her garden. BAD IDEA!
I left the garden and chased the mailman. (Don't ask me why I did this, but it was a lot of fun!)
Later she took me for a walk. (This was not easy. I'm still heavy.) I even met Mike the dancing K-9! I put the TV wire in my mouth in respect.
I then saw a cat. The cat reminded me of the fortune teller. Then I realized it was the fortune teller!
“Yes, it is I. And I have placed a curse on you. Meow.”
“BAD DOG! LEAVE THAT POOR INNOCENT CAT ALONE!”
“GRRRRRR...GRAH! *attempts to bite* GROWL! *whimpers*”
“Yes, I know I'm dead. But I reincarnated as this cat.”
At this point I was yanked away. My "owner" yelled at me. Then I mutterd somthing close to: "Yeah, well I'm only human." and fell asleep.
DAY 4[edit | edit source]
I woke up. (I can stop saying that by now, but I choose not to.) I was still naked. I was still collered. This still wasn't my house. But was no longer a dog. Good thing too. Kibble tastes horrible.
The thing that bothered me was, If I was no longer a dog, Why was I still being treated like a dog? But I was too lazy to find out. I waited for the lady to bring me lunch.
“Why the heck am I chained up anyway?”
“Because I bought you on Ebay, idiot!”
“YOU DID WHAT! Wait-how much did I cost?”
“Well the starting bid was $5...”
“No you moron. Five chocolate doller coins.”
“HOW THE HELLK IS THAT LEGAL?!”
“Well yesterday you were a miniture dachshund. I never met a shapeshifter before, but what I can tell is, they are Not People.”
“I'M NOT A SHAPESHIFTER!”
“Yes you are, you shifted shapes.”
“I KNOW WHAT A SHAPESHIFTER IS! WHATDDA YA THINK I'M SOME KIND OF NUTJOB?! I'M NOT A SHAPESHIFTER!”
“DON'T YELL AT ME! NOW GO INSIDE AND GET SOME CLOTHES ON UNTIL YOU SHIFT SHAPES AGAIN! AND I HAVE A NAME! IT'S KRISTINA!”
I went inside and looked in the mirror. I was clearly not a shapeshifter. I was oviously...oviously..shoot-ONLY HUMAN. And I just said "NUTJOB". Who knows what could happen next?
DAY 5[edit | edit source]
I woke up. Though this time not on my own...
“WAKE UP! Oh good, you haven't shifted shapes.”
“I told you, I'm not a shapeshifter.”
“Whatever. Anyway if you're done shifting shapes you might as well get a job.”
“That's what I said. Heres your application”
I read expecting the worst. My job was: Illogicopedia Nut Sorter.
Yeah sure it pays good, (In paperclips) But think of the working conditions. Everyone who uses illogicopedia is a nut.
But then on the other hand, in illogiland things such as this story are normal.
As I was filling out my employment prescreening questionnaire, the mail truck went by, and I had a weird urge to chase it. I geuss I'm still part dog.
|This article is illogical enough to have made it onto the front page.
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