Boris Johnson

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“My toaster doesn't work, it keeps giving the toast back to me ”

~ Boris Johnson on toast trouble

“We're leaving in October, and it's definitely for real this time.”

~ Boris Johnson on Brexit
Boris Johnson
Boris Johnson
Nationality: British
Term of office: 24 July 2019 –
Preceded by: Theresa May
Succeeded by:
Date of birth: Gemini season (just like Donald Trump)
Place of birth: New York City (but the wrong borough)
Date of death: Probably the same as Donald Trump but with some digits transposed
Place of death: we are still thinking about it
Spouse: null
Political party: "They Call Us The Nasty Party"

Boris Johnson has lived in 71 homes (now that he moved to 10 Downing Street look at me I know something about British politics -An American) and stoked the fires of hell. He currently resides in Lundumb, where he is the town drunk. The Guardian dubbed him "the loveable but fiendish drunken idiot", while The Sun calls him "Big Tits" and The Times sits down on a bean bag smoking conservative piglets. Whatever your view on him, you gotta admit that he's a bit of a Tory slimeball.

He is most well known for being Donald Trump in the parallel universe where Hans Wiemann doesn't exist. He obviously wants to build a wall at the southern border in Ireland, and replace the stone wall on the northern border with a concrete barrier (and make Scotland pay for it!). It is rumored that he also practices Aikido.

Time for tea[edit]

Boris hovers a few centimetres above the table and becomes slightly divine. "I RECKON I GOT CHIPS IN MY PANTRY" He says in capital letters.

Indeed. Boris is the key innovator in Selfism and has written a lot about it. In his seminal essay: "The time I bit my mothers toes off" he explains the key principles of the political movement. Which includes:

  • The right to assemble your own "politi-head".
  • Not getting into "The Zone".
  • At every opportunity, trespass on the vicar's lawn.

It was controversial, especially with fishmongers.


Interviewer: Hello Boris
Boris: Uh...
Interviewer: Hello.
Boris: Uh...
*Interviewer kicks Boris*
Boris: Uh...
Interviewer: Oh for God's sake...

The wheely baaad years[edit]

Contrary to popular belief, Boris was actually quite bad as he destroyed almost every species of Munchkin. He denies it, however, saying he's never been down Yellow Brick Road. However the police found his iron steak tenderizer lying beside the corpse of a unicorn.

The many faces of Boris[edit]

  • O.o
  • o.O