Consumer Reports
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Consumer Reports is a magazine devoted reporting on consumer goods, which are purchased, and then tested by know it alls which publishes Consumer Reports. The magazine publishes monthly, and is noteworthy because it does not accept advertising.
The publication takes pride in its anti-enabling stance with shopaholics, and instead seeks to expose dysfunctional goods and break consumers of the bad habit of buying crap.
Methodology[edit | edit source]
Nestled in its bunker under the bedrock of Eastern Seaboard of the United States, the staff randomly chooses products from the shelves of stores around the world. The items are then brought to the ultra secret location, aggregated and then sorted. From the sorting, two groups are chosen, heads and tails. A coin is flipped anywhere between 7 and 97 times (depending on the placement of the tides and the letter of the month in which the tests are to be conducted) and these factors are averaged. From this, a pool of like items to be tested are selected, and then discarded.
Next the same procedure is again performed, this time by a woman with a secret third eye. From this process of elimination, the final pool of products is gleaned.
Each product undergoes rigorous testing. Products are then graded on a quantitative scale so there can be no mistake that there are facts to back up the ratings. This is reviewed by a fortune teller, and her findings are then verified by tea leaves.
Qualitive scores are never, ever, under any circumstances, allowed.
From this, a choice few products are selected and recommended.
The staff of Consumer Reports is proud of the fact that it has never, ever, told the truth. Not-a-once.
Critics who are critical of Consumer Reports[edit | edit source]
While the magazine claims that it has the interest of consumers at heart, its critics have criticized the magazine for putting consumer goods under an electron microscope and submitting products to tests that are irrelevant and unrealistic.
Those who have peered into Consumer Reports know that the rating process is a long and involved task. Therefore by the time most ratings reach the magazine, the products in question have been long discontinued. Case in point: the cover of the July 2009 magazine boasted that the magazine had finally finished its rating of the 1958 Edsel, and Touch-Tone Dialing for land line phones.
Other industry insiders have complained that the tests subject items to extremes that most products will never encounter in their usual lives. An April 2008 article stated that Cheeto's brand snacks failed to deliver the promised full cheesy flavor it advertised according to a tribe of pygmy's living in Botswana. The magazine furthered its stinging rating of the snack food by complaining that it did nothing to quench the thirst of the Pygmies. That the snack never made a claim of quenching ones thirst was never at issue, but the testers felt that the product should, and thus it failed its test.
Notable reviews[edit | edit source]
Cars: "While we enjoyed our time in the Cadillac CTS, we couldn't get past our over whelming feelings of ennui that this was the "best" that General Motors could do? Let us not kid ourselves: thirty years ago, this would have qualified as an Oldsmobile on a really bad day. Kisses!"
Consumer reports has recently come under fire for being part of a global conspiracy to reduce surplus population by means of fiery automobile wrecks by convincing people that runaway Toyotas were the best option when choosing a car. This decision was chosen in favor of recommending safe cars.
Most notable is how Consumer Reports tends to write in contradicting facts about cars that are not Asian. This method comes from little Japanese-brand loyal devils, which enter the staff's bedroom by means of secret tunnels and chant curses and spells at the fourth stroke of midnight. The curse makes the affected staff member forget all they know about the automobile, thus forcing them to make stuff up as they go.
Television: "We really wanted to review this new generation televisions, however we couldn't find anything worth our time to watch."
Soft drinks: "We find that this "New Coke" really hits the spot: its an instant classic sure to be a hit."
Baby seats: "The Blueco model VRK6TG-TN was deemed to be the CR recommended baby seat after passing our ejected from the cannon test. Its light weight also helped it, and our test baby little Mergatroid, reach a new height and distance record during our testing. Too bad that Mergatroid didn't make it, but the seat came through flawlessly."
'Rat shit: "Our standards for contamination of jars of chunky rat shit prevent us from finding any brand of shit with a creamy peanut butter residue level higher than 0.45% acceptable"
Capers: "We found that Sans Souci brand capers had the strongest caperish taste, a bit overwhelming, but one that the American pallet demands."
Asbestos: "We feel that if it comes down to 'getting cancer in the future' and 'being flame proof right now', that those who fear their babies being burned alive will be happy to take their chances and chose the asbestos sleepwear today."