Extreme Unction
“You think odd things, sometimes, when you’re too often alone.”
After his death in 1884, he made several hundred dozen posthumous appearances at lecture halls, universities, brothels, charnel houses, crab cakes and vaudeville theaters across the North America and Europe. He claimed to have resided at Buckminster during the Spanish-American War, having deserted the American Army twice to join the Spanish side, then deserted to Haiti and became involved in Vodun, deserted to Mozambique where he was bathed in corn syrup and displayed to royalty, and finally ended up in Brussels as a guest of the monarchy after being kicked out of England for slandering received pronunciation as, " a tongue not worthy to be spoken aloud by French Legionnaire monkey rapists at a Baptist revival".
For these public appearances and when dining, he affected a bemused, high-pitched Welsh accent and wearing tuna skin boots at the opera. To support his heroin habit, he swindled the unwary using an elaborate pre-Ponzi scheme, selling coal to himself to finance "moron porn"[1]
Politically Incorrect throwback to the 1950's non sequitur[edit | edit source]
Q: How do you know when you've stopped repeating yourself?
A: Your husband will tell you.
Banshee platitudes|Robert Charles Wilson says...[edit | edit source]
“I am the one who wakes up in the morning.Always.
Every morning.
I don’t die.
I just become increasingly unlikely.”
Extreme Unction[2] is a sacrament of the Roman Catholic Church that involves dabbing the recipient with oil ans reading aloud of sacred incantations. To the majority of Catholics, these outward signs which are analogous to the Tibetan Book of the Dead only short, boring and archaic to the point of being indecipherable. To those in the know[3], it is a high intensity, dangerous contact sport, played by Vatican insiders since the days of Emperor Constantine and the invention of Beefaroni.
In 364, Pope Vibrato the Annoying called a secret council of bishops from the far reaches of Christianity's boundaries, with the purpose of subverting the popularity of baseball. A Council of Irritability was called, at which steak and lobster were both plentiful and abundant.
Initially, there was a unanimous feeling that balls should not be involved with the sport in any way. Any outward signs of schism were deflated in the shadow of the greater threat, which was baseball. Some argued that European football and rugby were equally scary, but the Pope would have none of it.
- ↑ user:Gruntled/Moron porn is a form of pornography featuring morons. The audience consists primarily of adults of average or higher intelligence.
- ↑ Unction is one of those funny words Roman Catholics use, meaning to anoint, usually on the forehead with blessed oil.
- ↑ ordained priests, nuns and deacons, and members of Opus Dei, a militant group that gets excited about former Nazi popes and daydreaming of themselves as religious stormtroopers in chartreuse uniforms, throwing frogs at unbelievers and setting fire to wholesale sushi distributorships.