This article was
too bizarre for Uncyclopedia,
but Illogicopedia loves random stuff.
F7 was a thoroughbred race horse in the United States, known mainly for its wild antics in the camel section of Central Park Zoo. From an perfect start, F7 became a complete failure and a symbol of loss and stupidity to many US citizens during the Great Depression, which it partially caused. F7 became the subject of a 1949 film, "Everyone Can Fail", a 2001 book, "F7: An American Disgrace" and a 2004 movie, "At Least He Made a Good Camel".
Early Life[edit | edit source]
F7 was born from the mare "She Always Wins" and sired by "The Champion". This was confirmed by numerous DNA tests, after accusations that "Lazy Womanizer" was the actual father (despite numerous saucy silent films circulating round the theaters).
The name F7 came from the number of miles "The Champion" won by in the 1926 Kentucky Derby with a random letter put in front of it, (the letter was originally going to be "A", but A's were in short supply during the depression). Later it was suggested that the "F" stood for failure and the owner had named it as a warning as to what would come.
In its early days F7 was described by many as the perfect horse - tall, strong, good at trotting, fast runner, able to say the alphabet up to "E", noted cigar smoker (as were most horses of the time) and a true gentleman, often inviting the mares on candle lit dinners to "Le Feed Trough".
Talk spread of F7's beauty and skill, many came to marvel at him, several even proposed to him - all were turned down.
Charles V. Retardé had made champions out of even the worst horses, his greatest achievement being turning a blind lame cow into a triple Kentucky Derby winner, F7 would be a breeze for him. There was stiff competition to buy F7, from Walt Disney and the just formed National Socialist Workers' Party, but Retardé scored F7 for a bargain $22 ($78,000,000,000,000 in adjusted inflation).
Failure[edit | edit source]
At its first race, in Chicago, F7 was expected to blitz the field by at least 27 miles. This was reported on the newly invented "Radio-machine", which many believed was broadcasting the word of God. Due to the desperate situation of the time most people thought that an F7 victory was assured, after all God had said it, and bet copious amounts of money on this; some people bet there last dollars, others sold their houses, a few even sold vital organs to finance this final roll of the dice. At least 3,000,000 people attended the Mafia Benefit Derby to witness the glorious occasion, the people waited in anticipation for the start, cheering on F7, and praying with all their might for an F7 victory.
F7 only made it 3 feet before running over to the V.I.P stand, mauling 7 gentleman and trampling a veteran top hat. the top hat (which had served under numerous diplomats during WW1) was buried with full military honors.
In the following days the country reached breaking point, with at least n In one upside there were plenty of vital organs for sale and the Mafia no longer had to file for bankruptcy.
Charles V. Retardé promised to return all the money lost in the previous race by winning the Non-Alcoholic Bud Derby in New York. Once again the people gambled all their money on an F7 victory.
F7 ran beautifully for 50 feet before jumping on the mare "No Means No" and engaging in "what mommy and daddy do when they really love each other", as it was later described to the watching children.
Retardé promptly sold F7, for a penny and some belly button lint, to Whyd I. Dothat - that was a penny too much. Whyd I. Dothat attempted to train F7, but only succeeded in being dry-humped into the emergency ward. After 8 more races, F7 racked up the amazing statistics of being the only horse to impregnate 3 horses in one race and bankrupt 17 states.
Non-Disney Villians[edit | edit source]
Dr. Wheelo (DragonBall Z: The World's Strongest)
Sideshow Bob (The Simpsons)
Meowrice (Gay Purr-ee)
King Salazar (Wakko's Wish)
Grandfather (Codename: Kids Next Door: Operation Z.E.R.O.)
Mr. Crocker (The Fairly OddParents)
Icky and Dil (The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists)
Ozzy and Strut (The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure)
Lord Shen (Kung Fu Panda 2)
Barnaby Crookedman (Babes in Toyland)
The Prince (Romeo and Juliet: Sealed With a Kiss)
Mortana Max (Tiny Toon Adventures)
The Cajun Fox (Courage the Cowardly Dog)
Napoleon (Animal Farm)
Jack'O'Lanturn (The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy)
Cliff Vandercave (The Flintstones)
No Heart and Beastly (Care Bears Family)
Nigel the Cockatoo (Rio)
The Toad (Flushed Away)
Plankton (Spongebob Squarepants)
Mandark (Dexter's Laboratory)
Tex Hex (Bravestarr)
Tarakudo (Jackie Chan: Adventures)
Prince Charming (Shrek the Third)
Russ Cargill (The Simpsons Movie)
Professor Pericles (Scooby Doo: Mistery Incorporated)