Forum:?Times for Saturday, 1 Octodest 2011

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10th Edition
Banana green.png
Banana green.png
Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo
Saturday, 1 Octodest 2011
The Illogicopedian Times is the literary equivalent of a cockatoo on stilts balanced on the tiny seat of small bicycle peddled by two budgies hopping up and down on opposite pedals while a Macaw steers with his beak. That is to say: a humourous premise with each task assigned to well-intentioned participants who are not suited to the job, resulting in a disastrous outcome... partially funny, partially tragic.
Climate Change blamed on Etruscans

or making this issue more Etruscan

Descendents of Etruscans everywhere are outraged that Swedish climatologists are now pinning the origins of our current climate crisis on their ancestors. Puerto Ricans in particular have expressed discontent in the form of teaching cats to read and get the mail.

The priest found out that running with a grenade up your butt can be disconcerting. After that, all bets were off, and the Swedes were accused of Euro-smugginess by the United Nations council on people with bad attitudes. When the dead guinea pigs were cleared from the balcony, the Royals were free to carry on with their cavorting and such.

Illogicomedia Board of Trustees Appointed

The Illogicomedia Foundation is pleased to announce its inaugural Board, consisting of five actual Trustees:

  • Bard, Chair, and BDFL (term until January 2929 [renewable])
  • Colonel Sanders, Vice Chair (term until December 2012)
  • CartoonistHenning, Executive Secretary (term until December 2012)
  • Island Monkey, Treasurer (term until December 2012)
  • Athyria, Member at Large (term until December 2012)

Additionally, four of five other honourary positions were filled, conferring an interesting title and no power whatsoever:

  • Vacant, Chesterfield (term until December 2012)
  • Regis Philbin, Loveseat (term until December 2012)
  • Athyria's Cat, Coffee Table (term until December 2012)
  • (Monsignor Peaches, Chaplain), End Table (term until December 2012)
  • Klingon Man, Lamp (term until December 2012)

If you are soft, plush, and comfortable to sit on for long stretches, please notify The Bard that you are interested in the position of Chesterfield.

Things I heard they do in China

Ooh, I heard they do all kinds of things in China! Oh, you betcha! Like, they eat monkey meat wrapped in rice paper instead of candy, and they cane the children whether they need it or not, or they go to the bathroom... standing up!!! Of all things! Ooh, and they, they have great big sex orgies so nobody knows who their real parents are... can you imagine? Plus, all that stuff we used to whisper about the Jews? Well, I heard they do that stuff too!

Storks deliver cartons of milk instead of babies

Mothers in dismay: storks plop cartons of milk all over the porches of expecting mothers. Unfortunately, some were vacationing; the milk went rotten and left a smelly gift for the returning, and notably upset, couples. The burden was eventually put on the maids, who were forced to eliminate the messes via their own mouths. Several died after being admitted to the hospital only moments after oral contraception.

Assorted lawyers are on the hunt for a suitable reason to sue the Stork™ Corporation, and private investigators on the hunt for the stork(s) responsible for the events. As of yet, no details have been discovered, apart from a used milk carton seal, which invariably led to drippage mid-flight.

My Considered Opinion
By Stephen Ambrose

Barnaby The Bear's my name, never call me Jack or James, I will sing my way to fame, Barnaby the Bear's my name. Birds taught me to sing, when they took me to their king, first I had to fly, in the sky so high so high, so high so high so high, so - if you want to sing this way, think of what you'd like to say, add a tune and you will see, just how easy it can be. Treacle pudding, fish and chips, fizzy drinks and liquorice, flowers, rivers, sand and sea, snowflakes and the stars are free. La la la la la, la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la la la la la, so - Barnaby The Bear's my name, never call me Jack or James, I will sing my way to fame, Barnaby the Bear's my name.