IllogiNews:Veganism as environmentally harmful as meat production, scientists prove

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This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

Though they were the innocent victims in all of this, wrongfully accused of worldwide bio-terrorism, spokescows chose to take the high road, responding to their critics: "Moo. Moo moo. Moo? Mooooooooooo."

KEMPTVILLE, Ontario, Canada (INN) -- Farting and belching by vegans is a key contributor to global warming problems, extinction of earth species, and a worldwide suicide epidemic involving Angus Beef cattle suffering from feelings of alienation and personal rejection, a climate change think tank warned today. The Centre for Vegan Bio-terrorism Research studied of the relative emissions discharge of cattle, vegans, and "normal" people, and produced some surprising results according to the Ontario Ranchers Association, corporate sponsors of the research.

"Just one vegan consuming a typical diet of soy products, legumes, lentils, nuts, seeds and whole grains, produces sufficient harmful methane gas in a single day to fill a space equivalent to the Toronto SkyDome." a researcher said, adding, "This is really bad for the environment."

He went on to suggest that truly environmentally conscious social activists would do better to consume a diet equivalent to the daily consumption of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, half a kilo of bacon, 6 eggs, and a lazy migrant worker by the name of Eduardo, were they truly concerned about the future welfare of the neopet sapient races.

Dr. Derrière le Plouft, professor of Environmental Studies at Carleton University, said that in addition to environmental damage, veganism causes untold human tragedy in the form of unemployment, discrimination, and poverty to farmers, their families, marketing specialists, their families, abattoir employees, their families, and meat packing plant workers. And their families.

The validity of these statements was independently confirmed via third party assurances from the Ontario Pork Producers' Marketing Board and the Ontario Egg Producers Association. A spokesperson for PETA refused to comment, other than rolling her eyes at us in a disparaging way and making the L-for-loser sign across her forehead.