Jack Teixeira
Jack Teixeira is a Gen Z'er and the prototypical Discord user.
Today, he ranks alongside the likes of Chelsea Manning, Julian Assange, and Edward Snowden. He now belongs to the State of Massachusetts federal government, I think.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Jack was born into a patriotic family. Not much is known about his early life, although we can assume that he often soiled his diaper and was wholly dependent on his parents for his physical needs the first few years of his life.
High school[edit | edit source]
In 2015, Teixeira began attending Dighton-Rehoboth Regional High School. This, of course, is named after Rehoboth, an entity recognized as a demon by the Catholic Church.
During this time, he joined the "Thug Shaker Central," a Discord server for fans of gay pornographic film "That Dick Tastes Like Money." This was where he got interested in racism and premeditated leaking classified military and intelligence documents.
During his senior year, he left a cryptic message outlining his plans in his school yearbook. It may look like he just wrote, "Actions speak louder than words," but if you zoom in enough you can see he actually wrote "ActIons speak louder than WordsILL LEAK CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS ON DISCORD."
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You can bet this will be taken into evidence in court.
Massachusetts Air National Guard[edit | edit source]
“Read the polls, Jack.”
In 2019, Teixeira enlisted in the Massachusetts Air National Guard, where he was issued a brand new shiny helmet and a pair of kinky boots. Shortly afterwards, they made the fatal mistake of assigning him to Information Technology and granting him a security clearance.
2023 Pentagon document leaks[edit | edit source]
In 2022, Teixeira began leaking classified military documents on the Discord server "Thug Shaker Central." His motives remain unclear at this time, although it is rumored he was attempting to gather a rare substance known as "clout." The Federal Bureau of Investigation identified Teixeira as the leaker because the photographs of the documents had his mother's kitchen table's famous pattern of specks in the background.
Aftermath of the 2023 Pentagon document leaks[edit | edit source]
After the FBI identified Teixeira as the leaker, they raided his parents' home and took him into federal custody.
In the aftermath of the leaks, the United States had to apologize to close allies South Korea, Israel, Taiwan, Turkey, Haiti, and the United Arab Emirates for spying on them. The leak also disrupted a planned counteroffensive by Ukraine against Russian forces.
Teixeira was also hailed by Conservatives for his peace-making efforts.