Lemur

This article was too bizarre for Uncyclopedia,   but Illogicopedia loves random stuff.

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“If a lemur were Prime Minister then England would be Madagascar and I would be King. Uh, what did you put in this punch, Coleridge? ”

~ Oscar Wilde

Lemurs are demonic creatures known for their mind possessing powers and extreme hostility. Different kinds of Lemurs exist. They all look like cute little monkies with long furry tails. They have big glowing eyes, but watch out; don't look straight in the eyes of the Mountain Lemur. It will turn you into stone if you do so. The most famous Lemur is ''Lemurus blakwitus (T)''.

F.A.Q.

Where do Lemurs live?

Absolutely everywhere! In forests, cities, sewers, deserts, mountains, on the North-Pole. Just turn around, there might be a Lemur behind you right now.

Are Lemurs dangerous?

Yes, they are extremely hostile and agressive. If you see one, don't pet it or it'll bite your hand straight off.

Are Lemurs some kind of monkeys?

Although they look like monkeys, they actually are not. This is one of the tricks Lemurs use to confuse people. Yes, they are that evil.

Can you eat Lemurs?

Yes, but you will die instantly. They have enough venom in one muscle cell to kill a whale. The Lemurus venomus has even more venom, enough to destroy Lisbon, Paris, and Jupiter. So I don't advise you to eat them (unless you're German or your name is Carl).

Why do most zoo's keep Lemurs if they are that dangerous?

Because zoo people are stupid. They don't know the secrets of Lemurs like I do.

What do Lemurs eat?

Whether lemurs eat humans is disputed. This photo appears to show a large lemur devouring a human hand in an alleyway. But it may be forgery.

Mostly fruit, bugs and other small animals (even other Lemurs). But if they haven't eaten in a while they hunt alligators and eat them whole. They don't like the taste of humans, but they enjoy the sound of ripping the flesh of human bones.

How do I kill a Lemur?

You will have to use a gun with silver bullets and shoot them straight through the heart. Remember, though: Lemurs have their hearts in their heads.

You could also stab a piece of wood through their hearts, but this method is far more dangerous since they will puke a green veneomous substance that can burn trough flesh and cause hallucinations such as seeing Teletubbies having sex with each other.

Facts about Lemurs

1. Lemurs are evil
2. Lemurs have those cool glow-in-the-dark eyes
3. Lemurs are fast like hell
4. Lemurs have super natural ninja monkey powers
5. Lemurs smell funny
6. Lemurs discovered America before people did
7. Lemur crap can be used as a powerfull jet fuel
8. Lemurs can swallow coconuts whole