Eagle Talon
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“AHH, A Talon just ate my Celica!”
“Whenever somebody calls me a faggot, I just have my Talon hunt them down and eat whatever un-awesome car they drive. That oughtta show them!”
“Crikey! This is the Eagle Talon, a carnivore breed. It is a......AHHH ME ARM!”
“The Eagle Talon.......ON WHEELS!”
“The Eagle Talon doesn't care about black people.”
The Eagle Talon is a car that is totally poopy and is well known for being a car-nivore, meaning it will eat your stupid Aveo yet be smashed by the Toyota Yenis, so watch it! It was invented by Talon Amores in 2244 and when the world blew back in time thanks to Adolf Hitler's Reincarnation farting, was re-invented by some people.
Discovery[edit | edit source]
The first Eagle Talon was soooooooooooo amazing and it was fucking born in 1989, as the child of a Mitsubishi Starion who was gay and a Subaru XT4, who just happened to get it on in a local suburban garage. The Talon then drove off to the deepest, darkest forest, to have sex with with men and started breeding in the butthole, creating a whole new species. By 1992, ford and chevy kicked the living hell out of the Eagle Talon population stretched all across the United States. They were first discovered by humans in 1990. As of 2007, there about eleventy gazillion Talons known to exist.
Habitat[edit | edit source]
Eagle Talons usually live in forests and desert areas, in nests up in high places which they fly to. Their nests are usually open, but some like to live in enclosed nests, and others prefer to live in the Australian outback. Since Steve Irwin died, they all left because their only reason for living there was to torture him and occasionally bite him and eat his Nissan pickup for kicks. Talons can also be seen on freeways, looking for cars that aren't as awesome as it to eat for dinner.
Diet[edit | edit source]
Generally, Eagle Talons like to eat dumb Japanese sports cars that think they are more awesome than it, such as the Toyota Supra, Toyota Celica, Honda Prelude, and well, they'll eat any car that is not awesome. They rarely eat other American cars, because they are too hard to digest, and don't taste as good as other cars. They used to eat Italian cars, but stopped, because they would usually give them bad cases of diarrhea, and would make it hard for them to sleep at night.
Their favorite and most notorious meal however is the Honda Civic. They are so inferior to the eagle talon that it makes it that much more delicious of a feast for the talon. The civic is the arch enemy of the talon, except it always loses except when they steal the talon's guts also known as the 4g63. Honda guts dont get put into talons ever as they are too inferior.. Every time a civic comes around the eagle talon knows hes going to be challenged to roll race from 30-60 in which case he doesn't even bother and eats the civic, usually in one bite if its a Hatchback or CRX.
Even in the rare case eagle talon is outmatched by the Honda Civic, talon still wins knowing he dont look like gay crapbox like civic.
The only car known that talon despises more than honda civic, is toyota SUPRA. Supras are also gay but pose challenge for talon, luckily there are not lot of them and talon kill them with numbers.
Talons are known to heavily mate with Subaru vehicles.
Family[edit | edit source]
The Eagle Talon has a close family. It has a younger brother, the Mitsubishi Eclipse, which is very similar, but isn't half as awesome as the Talon. It also had a little sister, the Plymouth Laser. Nobody knows what happened to her, nor do they care. It also is related to the Eagle Vision, which is just the Talon's bastard uncle, that mooches off it, and just sits on its fat ass all day and continually asks the Mitsubishi Eclipse to get him another beer.
Also anyone who has ever owned one is known to have daddy issues, and wet the bed through their early thirties.
The Toyota Camry is also a bastard cousin thrice removed, who acts like a fucking bitch by turning up at family parties and getting stone drunk and hitting on Eclipse's girlfriend. The Eagle Talon hates him.
Cool Stuff Talons Did[edit | edit source]
- Killed Hitler by Eating his Mercedes while he was still in it.
- Made gas prices go down by eating a bunch of SUVs.
- Gave Arnold Schwarzenegger what was coming to him by eating his Hummer collection.
- Ate Jimbo Wales' Ferrari, but then spit up, because it remembered that Italian cars give it bad gas.