Forum:?Times for Saturday, August 20, 2011

<<< Back to Illogical Zone • <<< Back to Forum

4th Edition

Mater tua criceta fuit, et pater tuo redoluit bacarum sambucus!

Saturday, 20 Ergust 2011

The Illogicopedian Times is a fly-by-night chicken unit operation manned (and womanned) by writers who couldn't cut it at IllogiNews. The contents have not been tested and approved as being safe for consumption by live human subjects. Proceed accordingly.

A Franchise Reborn By The Bard This little paper, whose actual paper content is only marginally greater than its information content, has proud tradition dating back nearly 3 years and 3 issues. Its failure to thrive taught us a lot of valuable lessons: Writing on a deadline is hard. There are speed and distance limits to ego trips and one-man bandwagons. Okay—two valuable lessons. But like the Special Education kids we are, we've learned them. That's why we're dispensing with the Bureau Chief overseeing the Senior Editor in Charge of Foreign Correspondents wankery and re-booting this periodical as a flat organization of volunteers who do what they can when they can. This time around, we'll be bold, we'll take chances, we'll edit fearlessly... and probably still fail, but in an entirely new way, not the way we did before. No, never again. ?pedians judged to be spiritually advanced By Reverend Denise Soliloquy Representatives of several world religions gathered at the Lowell Hyatt Regency Hotel today and issued a joint statement, saying "Illogicopedia, it's staff and readers, have proven to be among the most enlightened beings on the planet. We hold them in high regard, and offer our services as chauffeurs and scullery help to any and all ?pedians in this time of crisis." The crisis was not elaborated upon, nor were there gasoline cans. T3canolis misses submission deadline By Not T3canolis Continuing a long tradition of creating editorial havoc, T3canolis failed to submit a story to the ?Times this week. "Hardly surprising," said Readmesoon, T3's former editor, "He rarely hit the mark even back in the early days of the project. Or, if he did, he'd find some other way to muck it up, like boldfacing all his text." Reached for comment on the matter, T3canolis said: "Huh? What deadline? We haven't put out a paper since 2009! Nobody told me we even had a newspaper, let alone asked me to write something." "A likely story," Readmesoon quipped, "This is classic T3 all over again."

A formal apology By Athyria As some of you may have been aware, a large cat was recently engaged in a rampage down what may or may not have been central Illogicopedia, though it's a little hard to tell what's what in a place like this. The point is, there was a rampage, and it was kind of our fault, so this is probably some sort of apology or something here. Fortunately for us all, Gruntled was kind enough to take the cat in question off our hands and introduce it to his granddaughter, who is undoubtedly a lovely person, but seeing as he also gifted her with a heft pair of bear arms, we're still not sure we'd like to meet her. As for the damage, we assume if everyone ignores it, it'll go away on its own. Roberto fails to cause major problems this week, ?pedians puzzled By will.i.am This week ?pedians witnessed a number of unexplained phenomena, including reasonable load times, working extensions, and the ability to login. Asked for his impressions, Silent Penguin said: "Overall, I've been very satisfied with Roberto's performance. The petty, niggling complaints we've heard from time to time are mostly from writers and forum junkies who feel some urgent need to write. I can't say I understand why. From an administrative perspective, downtime has significant advantages. It really makes vandalism reversion a snap! It not only prevents the spambots from posting, it saves me the trouble of having to distinguish it from the crap being churned out by the aforementioned so-called 'writers'." Several messages were left for Roberto, but none were answered by the edition deadline. My Considered Opinion By Stephen Ambrose I never spent much time in school but I taught ladies plenty. It's true I hire my body out for pay, hey hey. I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs, blown up for Raquel Welch. But when I end up in the hay it's only hay, hey hey. I might jump an open drawbridge, or Tarzan from a vine. 'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine.

Vote for Features! Do it now!

Write for The Illogicopedian! Submit a story!

Vote for Images! Do it now!