Horcrux

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“Accio horcruxes!”

“You think I never tried that?”

~ Albus Dumbledore

“Guys, guys. The trick is in the wrist movement.”

~ Voldemort

“Wait, what am I even doing here helping you guys? And where are my trousers?!?!?”

~ Voldemortified

Horcrux is a brand of Tupperware designed to hold your soul possession (lol). Horcruxes were invented by Harry Potter in 1 CHPY (common Harry Potter year). They were his prized playthings until one day they were cruelly snatched by the villain, Al Capone (believe it!).

Al Capone's Seven Horcruxes[edit]

  • His left shirt button - Because no one would ever guess that </not sarcasm>.
  • A lion in the Scottish Highlands - But there are no lions in the Scottish Highlands!
  • A sock - It has already defeated three Hazmat teams.
  • A ghost - Oooooh, scary.
  • The Nimbus 2000 - There's no such thing as a free broom.
  • A family air-loom - It runs on air.
  • J. K. Rowling herself!!!!

Destruction[edit]

ItThey must be destroyed!”

~ Albus Dumbledore on the horcruxes

Dumbledore P.I. found out everything about the Horcruxes using his detective skills and some clever guesswork. He was able to destroy one Horcrux. The task of destroying the others he left to his only son, Harry Potter.

Joey was overjoyed at the chance to put his life on the line. So overjoyed that he gave up his dream of being a latchkey businessman to pursue danger at the hands of Al and his friend Scarface. Harry and his friends (all drunk on butter-beer) first went to a Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Bean factory on the hunch that one of the horcruxes was a cherry bean. Then they broke into the headquarters of card dealers suspected of possessing horcruxes. Nothing worked until Harry remembered something about breaking the fifth wall.....or was it the fourth?

He cast "deux ex machina." That spell did the trick of ruining the story.

HowTo:Make a Horcrux[edit]

  1. Get five pounds of professional-grade ham.
  2. Eat until full.

Note[edit]

"Dumbledore" is Latin for "gay." "Really gay." "Gay lots."

Harry Potter and the Infinite Marketing Scheme
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