HowTo:Play in a Lawnmower
Many people use lawnmowers to mow their lawns. However, some, more daring people go beyond the normal, tedious uses of a lawnmower. Besides just mowing their lawn, they go inside the lawnmower and playing around. This is called playing in a lawnmower, which you, yes, YOU, will be able to do after reading this free* guide.
*After six easy payments of $19.99. Payable to Silent Penguin.
To successfully play in a lawnmower, you are going to need a certain amount of important, cheap, and maintenance free equipment. However, you are going to need a boat-load of expensive equipment as well - so don't forget your pocket book. However, to successfully play inside a lawnmower you are going to need at least six pieces of equipment.
The six required items are:
- A Lawnmower
- A Hand (Left or Right)
- A Head
- A Body Bag
- Balls. If you don't have any, you're going to need to grow a pair before doing this.
Optional Equipment for more advanced methods include:
- A Shrink Ray
- A Mad Scientist
- 2 (Two) pounds of C4 explosives
- Several Body Bags
For the maximum amount of enjoyment, it is recommended that you purchase/obtain/steal all of the equipment listed above so you can use the more advanced method of playing inside of a lawnmower. However, you do not need to get that, but it is necessary that you use the first six items to truly enjoy your time playing inside a lawnmower.
To properly play inside a lawnmower, you can use two separate methods: The Shove, and The Shrink.
The first, and probably easier method is the Shove. It is called "The Shove" because you literally "shove" your hand right into the blades! To complete the shove, the first step requires getting your lawnmower and filling it with gas. Now, after filling it to the brim, make sure NOT to put the cap of the gas chamber back on, for it will make your experience more vivid and exciting. Now, once you have done that, start your lawnmower. If you wish, you may mow your lawn before you continue, but it is not required nor recommended by any professionals.
Now, once you have your lawnmower running at full capacity, we begin the real fun. Take your right or left hand, and slowly move it into the hole where grass normally flies out of the mower. Then, once your hand is close enough to the blade, you quickly cram the whole hand into the spinning machine!
BBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD THAT HURT! LOOK AT ALL OF THAT FUCKING BLOOD!!!!
Now, wasn't that an enjoyable experience? I thought so. If you want even more fun, I suggest that instead of just your hand, you insert your penis, legs, or even head into the spinning blades of fate! You'll have just as much fun as your hand, only ten times more! This first method , if executed short of properly, can be deadly, so be cautious. Also, if it is executed properly, it results in death, but you have a lot more fun doing it the right way!
The second method, The Shrink, is a far more complex and expensive alternative. Unlike the Shove, the Shrink consists of putting your whole body into the machine. And, with a nice big pile of C4 in your hand, you won't be disappointed by the bloody fireworks that follow!
The first step of the Shrink is to get your lawnmower running. Unless if you are some incompitent fool, this part of the process should be cake. Then, you get into the complicated stuff. You get your handy Mad Scientist and get him to get the Shrink ray you conveniently managed to obtain and get it running. While you are getting ready to get shrunk, you grab all of the C4 and grab a couple detonators. Once you are fully prepared, you get the Scientist to start up the machine and shrink you. Holding the C4, walk slowly to improve the cinematic feel (For fun) of the event. As you approach the fast spinning blades, you start a thirty second countdown on the C4 detonators, and then you run like a Madman towards the blades. If all go right, you get ripped into several pieces all over the floor! And, if you set your detonators right, you're slaughter will be quickly followed buy a big giant....
Now that's what I'm talking about! Everybody in an eight-block area of you has now disintegrated from the explosion, and those farther away just got to watch one of the coolest explosions they've ever seen! Now, isn't that just great, kids? If done right, like the Shove, you will die. But don't feel bad; that's all part of the fun!
Now, the two methods have been given to you to choose. You could choose either one. To help you with your decision, we have selected two random people just like YOU off the clean streets of new York City. One of the has selected the Shove, and the other has selected the Shrink. We kept track of the two participants as the followed through on their choices (Slightly Censored):
Subject A (The Shove): So, uh... let's see. Um, pull this cord... and, wow, holy crap! That's a loud dangerous sounding fucking engine you guys have got here! And wait, I'm supposed to stick my hand in that? You're fucking crazy!! Somebody get me out of this place! Wait, let go of me, dammit! I don't want to stick my hand in there! Oh no!!!! Let go of me-- HOLY [[shit|SHIT]]!!! THAT FUCKING HURT!!! I'M GOING TO SUE!!!
Subject B (The Shrink): Um... So I have to carry... TWO POUNDS OF C4!? WHAT THE HELL? Oh, I see, you're going to be shrinking it. That isn't so bad. Wait, you're shrinking me to!? What the-- wait, I like this. I always wanted to be shrunk like in that movie.... uh... Honey, I shrunk the Dog or something. So, uh, Fire away, scientist! Wow, Do I feel small! And my voice is all squeaky! This is so cool! So, now, I have to... WALK INTO THE BLADES? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!? OH SHI-- *explodes*
Now you can see that both test subjects A and B had the best times of they're life. When you execute your choice properly, now doubt you will have had the most fun you ever had in your life! Hopefully you really enjoy, because it is going to be the last amount of you will ever have on this planet we call home. Unless, miraculously, you live.
Now that I've you've successfully played inside you're lawnmower, you are probably dead. But, that was all part of our Disclaimer at the beginning of the guide, so you were going for it ever since the start. At this point, based on your religion, you are in some sort of after life. Maybe heaven, but if you were actually dumb enough to follow this guide, you are probably in hell. So, once you're in hell with all of the recently deceased lawyers and stock brokers, you sit around and do things with Satan, or so I believe. I think you get free beer and free rounds of pool. Enjoy it while you can!
Anyhow, if you have (somehow) survived, you probably screwed up the procedure. Anyhow, you still have work to do. At this point you are no doubt in the Hospital. If so, let it be known that you are not able to sue us, because we left our disclaimer at the beginning, so ha! Uh, I mean, we are sorry if you did not enjoy your experience to the fullest extent. Sadly, we cannot repay you, but we will send you flowers. Or something. Have a nice day!
If you've made it this far, you're an idiot!