IllogiNews:Climate study stalled, monkeys dead

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This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

Not monkeys at all.

MALOMAR, Sweden -- Monkeys were ordered last week by the University of Zulch Mathematics and Spiritual Reengineering Department, and arrived as not monkeys at all. Instead, Jesus and Satan arm-wrestled for what seemed like an eternity for who gets first move at the Apocalypse. It is believed that the creation myth behind this story is responsible for Apocalypso music. [1].

Knowing the antipathy between the Swedes and Westboro Baptist Church[2], ionized heads of state began a procession that began at BBC Studios and is even now wending it's way towards Icelandic banks. A calculated loss, but a loss nonetheless. "If we don't get covering fire soon, the whole outpost will be overrun," says Reverend Captain Manchmal Cementcap of the Fourth Nordic Regimental Speedo outpost and regents.

Meanwhile, in Oslo, dead monkeys began materializing in microwave ovens across the city. Fortunately for the monkeys in running ovens, they were all dead on arrival. "Jag hade en erektion, då jag såg de döda apan exploderade med fisk-baserade bakverk mig. Det var hemskt!, [3]" said Secretary of Fjords Longer Than 8 Kilometers Analog Sorefrombendin as the flames licked and climbed the walls.

Army units packing ceiling mops quickly appeared during the interview, and began clearing the building as the acrid smoke of man-made materials gathered in our sinuses, pissing us off. "The problem with Jesus vs. Satan in a university setting is that everybody gets carried away, [4]" said Bruce, visiting subjunct professor from University of Wallamaloo, Australia. "I once helped four Scotsmen hail a cab. It takes one to know one."

No cats were hurt during the writing of this story... much.


  1. Apocalpyso began as a counter to calypso and it's Socialist teachings. Espoused by such notable conservatives as Manuel Noriega and Ranch Dressing, Apocalypso made it's way into South America through an underground railroad for terrible folk musicians who aspired to play banjo half as well as Pete Seeger.
  2. Although we disdain and fling boogers at such a hateful lot future game show contestants on "I'm More Inbred Than My Fifth Grader", IllogiNews feels obliged to tip our wigs to the sheer level of ape shit craziness espoused by the group. People that bat fuck insane, were they to believe that space aliens were impregnating their daughters at the behest of the Republican Party, would likely be locked up as a matter of public safety.
  3. "I had an erection, then I saw the dead monkey explode along with my fish-based baked goods. It was horrible!"
  4. Assuming Jesus and Satan are sharing needles or having unsafe sex.