IllogiNews:Local News from my house, week ending Feb 21, 2014

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This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

We worship His Shadow.

CENTREVILLE, Massachusetts -- There's a ton of snow out there. The banks at the end of my driveway are 7 feet tall. Frunobulax got a bath, and last night I gave her a full body massage with medicated lotion.

My neighbor saw Satan in his garage two nights ago, trying to steal his snowblower. He told me he wasn't really afraid, since he's an agnostic. "Sure, it's possible Satan might have all sorts of crazy powers, and maybe he can do shit to me that's inconceivably horrific. My sense is that it's so improbable as to be highly doubtful", he said, under duress and visibly inebriated. He went on to talk some shit about rap music and the fire department. I don't know, I was only half-listening.

I feel like I'm in a manic writing phase, probably due to fear. In the local paper, I read about the 79 year old woman down the street who pulled a gun on some asshole who shoveled her driveway, unasked, then knocked on her door and rudely demanded payment.

Helicopters on a routine sweep for marijuana grows discovered an infestation of fanged hams two blocks over in the basement of a closed up convenience store. This group had budded from Kelly Ripa's left shoulder during a thaw last November. Animal and Monster Control teams from 4 surrounding towns assisted local officials in a containment/eradication operation which yielded 52 juvenile and 194 adult carcasses, and 17 buds ready to be implanted in eyrie hosts.