Letter of Condolence
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- To whom it may concern;
- It has come to my attention that I, Sir Bill Manders, have run over your dog. I must say I am, uh, quite sorry for this action. Your dog, Pepper, I think it was, was so
annoying and loud cute and cudly. I'm sure you will be missing his presence at your lovely box that you call home.
- However, I do not believe that I am quite responsible for this act. Your dog was, in fact, more than just "slow". There is no denying this fact; for it was obvious even to the mentaly retarded, who have trouble comprehending things, that your dog was quite stupid. So, I am now saying that I believe that it was enitrely your dogs fault for the accident.
- Now, I am not saying this to get out of the 40 million dollar law suit you filed against me for running over your dog. I am saying this becuase I believe that it should be known. I was driving down the road in a more than evident manner; even the deaf could hear the engines of my 8000 horse-power vehicle operating at full capacity. So, unless your dog had his ear drums removed, there is absolutely no chance on this planet we call Earth that he did not hear me coming down the street. As a matter of fact, I saw him turn and look as I sped down the street, and then prance merily right into the middle of it. If this is not an act of sheer stupidity, ma'am/sir/it, I do not know what is.
- For these reasons I believe that you should allow me to go on with my life. My wife, an animal rights activist, has recently divorced me due to this event. Because of your animal's dumb mistake, I am now a single, unhappy man who gained almost no possessions in court. Along with many of my belongings, my wife took the majority of our money as well.
- This being stated, I believe you should drop charges. Yes, I did run over your "little angel" and "Apple of your eye", but please, sir/ma'am/it/thing, take a look at the others in this equation. My life is in ruins, and I have considered suicide not just once, but more around thirty-two times. So please, may I ask that we let this go behind us. In fact, it was your dog's fault anyway.
- So, once again, I am quite sorry for your loss. However, I am glad at the same time, for the fact that such an idiotic being is now eliminated from the gene pool, making the world we live a much better place.
- Bill Manders
- Dear Mr. Manders;
- You ran over our cat.
- Family of the Victim