IllogiNess Monster

The IllogiNess Monster is often muddled up (by competent people) with the IllogiNess Monastery.

The Family Curve Line of the Illoginess Monster

Before the Cretaceous period and just after the pretentious period all of the dinosaurs got bored one day and decided upon a huge game of football (by football I mean English football, the game with round leather balls, cups of tea and, for the lulz, little or no groin protection), however due to some dodgy refereeing and some questionable Mexican waving, the football match turned out to be a complete fiasco...

Pterodactylble Play Lads. Just Awful.

Dinosaurs, to be frank, aren't what they used to be.

Most dinosaurs at the time hadn't yet bothered to evolve and grow proper feet, so the game was never likely to be too successful. Dinosaurs hadn't yet gained a sense of humour either, which turned a potentially funny situation into a Jurassic Park meets My Chemical Romance scenerio.

By midnight the earth was littered with dinosaur corpses, each with slit wrists and sight-obscuring black hair. However, one brave breed of dino lingered on in the world, having missed the big game; They had instead spent the 90 minutes feebly attempting to put shin pads onto their trunk-like legs using their tiny arms. Finally giving up on shin-protection after a solid week of trying, the dinosaurs went out onto the pitch ready to play some top-quality football. Instead of the expected cheers from the audience they were instead greeted with the corpses of their dinosaur brethren lying across the pitch. They found the dead bodies somewhat arousing and large scale mating erupted that night, ensuring the survival and randiness of future generations to come. Of that evolutionary line came two species which are still knocking about today. The Ducks, and the Illogisauruseses.

Frontwards To The Past

While the conniving ducks began forging their successful plans for world domination the Illogiosaurs went broke and turned to crime for money. Having just destroyed New York, they were rounded up and forced to do their community service on children's television. Adam and Eve had repeatedly consummated their marriage by that point, and being contraception-hating Catholics, a whole lot of children were lying around the living room bored. These Kids needed entertaining, and they needed it fast! Well, not too fast, they're only young, they couldn't handle that speed of entertainment. What speed of entertainment? Ask your mother.

Anyway, as i was saying they needed entertainment. And what's more entertaining than huge sharp-toothed blood-thirsty dinosaurs that force you to learn and sing, and clap and, and count, and ASSASSINATEALLTHESCUM! WIPEOUTTHETERRO-(my speech is obscured from this point onwards due to the large quantity of Texas-esque foam spewing from my mouth) ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!.

Toddlers, Teeth, Terror and Tantrums

The most definitive carnivore to ever cook teach children

Co-presenting with his brother Barney, the Illoginess Monster was the pinnacle of pointless 6am children's television. IllogiMoo, as he was known as at the time, was famous for his fluffy exterior and various deliberate bodily advertisements, usually of Illogicopedia. This was stopped after he advertised the classic ?pedia Banana on his wang.

He would excite viewers by eating livestock in front of a live audience on Tubbyvision television. They eventually moved to Channel Four when too many people realised that the duo were responsible for the frequent mysterious disapearances of entire audiences. Of course the official statement regarding the motives behind their move was:

“The producers came to the conclusion that Channel 4 could not continue to cope with the persistent, loud aggravating screams of the dying audience, and to a lesser extent, the copious amounts of blood that flowed around the studio - staining all of the crew member's fashionable socks. Henceforth, as of today the Monsters have been asked to move to another channel (and pay the dry cleaner bill).”

~ Barry Scott, Official Barney Spokesperson

A legend is born

The duo remained in the Channel 4 Milkshake line-up until the production crew decided to do a special feature episode in Subbuteo. Enveloped by the intoxicating fumes and random water, the Illoginess Monster found himself stuck in a huge marshmallow lake. Having absorbed dangerous amounts of illogia radiation the beast was permanently exiled to the lake and all traces of his existence were swept under the rug by Illogic Secret Police. Numerous sightings of him have been recorded but all of them were from wide-eyed sensationalists, but claims were dismissed on account of the eyewitnesses being Scottish - if they became famous their annoying accents would infect television, causing great annoyance. To this day no one will believe in the IllogiNess Monster, even if he occasionally makes cameos in the various Jaws movies.

Embittered by the loss of his brother, Barney ceased his Open University lectures for children and instead began patronising them every morning by teaching them the A,B,C which they had already learned long before birth at the Royal Sperm University (just left of the spleen). This is thought to be the main reason why the world's intelligence has decreased dramatically since last week. People can't even levitate any more!

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