Real America

Note: America is the best country that has ever, and will ever exist.

Real America (opposite of Fake America) is a land populated by honest, decent people known as Real Americans and also lying, cheating people also known as Real Americans. Real Americans reside within the boundaries of U.S. territory and Canada. Some of them hold true and stead-fast the American values of our founding fathers (like “don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes”, what? sunglasses? Oh crap!) instead of giving credence to the manipulative and deceitful views of the liberal media who are hell bent on turning America into a socialist (with public social programs like schools, police, military, fire departments, retirement social security, NASA, medicare, medicade, road construction and maintenance, court system, and sewage plants), anarchist (without public social programs like schools, police, military, fire departments, retirement social security, NASA, medicare, medicade, road construction and maintenance, court system, and sewage plants) and secular evil society.

Qualities of a Real American

1. Unerring faith in the Bible, the answer to all questions, the complete automobile maintenance and service guide, and the source of all knowledge pertaining to elastic waist-bands. Any non-literal interpretation of the Bible is obvious corruption stemming from liberal bias or Muslim indoctrination. Any who do not believe in every word of every sentence literally and unwaveringly are obviously closet-atheist rapists. This does not, however, apply to passages concerning such concepts as peace, harmony, and the rejection of decadence, which are in fact metaphorical.
2. Gun lovers. Guns are the source of peace and prosperity in any civilized society, name one in which their military and law enforcement are unarmed. This is true due to the following, obvious reason: guns kill people, so obviously owning a gun means you can kill the people who kill people before they can kill the people they were intending to kill thus encouraging a safe and secure society where no one gets killed, or you can shoot bottles and cans. Gun ownership is the primary reason for America's stunningly low crime rate compared to other 'civilized' nations which do not allow gun ownership, or maybe it‘s just that many of the crimes are not crimes but legal. Gun ownership in America is supported by the Second Amendment's claim for the individual bear arms. Some are now attempting to extend this rule to legs and WMDs (women medical doctors).
3. Anti-homosexuality. Its just a myth. God wouldn't create homosexuality (but then God didn‘t create you either, your fathers penis and mothers vagina did), so obviously people are making it up as a lame excuse to be immoral and live a life of sin (as opposed to a life of cos, not to mention those tan bi‘s). Homosexuality (which doesn't exist btw) is a terrible sin and those who practice it will burn in hell for ever and ever. Amen.
4. Anti-Abortion. Since the baby is infused with its soul (Hallelujah!) and unique DNA mapping upon conception, abortion will turn you into an evil liberal child murderer. Also, it causes breast cancer‘n chips.
5. Anti-science and poor numeracy. Science is full of lies and deceit and only contradicts the perfect word of God. Mathematics is the tool of the devil-hating bankers when used to aid Science in its quest to ruin the lives of hardworking Americans. Evolution is bullshit made up by atheists in a failed attempt to excuse their Hitleresque actions of extermination of the weak and defenseless (cheating, lying, deceiving, manipulating, thieving, invasive, malicious, plague innovating, and heretic defenseless). Christians won't tolerate ethnic cleansing (except if it's for those goddamn Muslims, in which case it is called a Holy Crusade) and so they won't tolerate evolution either, seeing as they are exactly the same. Global warming is just a scare tactic proposed by the nuclear power companies who purchase liberal media and Al Gore, which automatically means it is a lie. Though manually, it’s a scheme.
6. Patriotism. Real Americans love their country and support it fully, no matter what it does. Other Real Americans hold the high score on pinball. Who cares if America blows up innocent civilians?! It’s another story altogether though if civilians blow-up our innocent bombs. Its our America and I'll be damned if a petty thing like morals can get in the way of patriotism for this brilliant, perfect national BBQ and bad mitten pastime.
7. Joe the Plumber!
8. Bob Vila
9. Small towns. Fit all the categories above and excited about being a Real American? Then guess what, for a limited time and just for you, a brand spanking new George Foreman Grill will be shipped to your IP address. Are you ecstatic now? Well tough shit if you live in New York or any other big city, they are not in the approved shipping zones. Fit all the categories above but live in Antarctica? That’s fake America. You'd better move to a small town in Alaska somewhere pronto, otherwise you're still a fake American.
10. You live in Wasilla, Alaska.
11. You sing the real version of 'Proud to be an American', instead of the liberal version, 'Proud to be an Abortionist.'

Real America in recent news

The issue of Real America vs Fake America was brought into the foreground recently by that wonderful, God-fearing woman, Sarah Palin. She is an example to all of us of what America really stands for and if anyone makes claims she abused her power or was in any way unethical, they are simply lying through their teeth.

One final point - for those who argue America is not a Christian nation - remember that oh so ancient American proverb 'One nation, under God.' Some liberal fools will lie and say it was only introduced in the 1950s and that Thomas Jefferson was a Deist, but don't believe those atheist scum. Our founding fathers support Real, Christian Americans. Believe completely in the Lord and move to a small town and ye too can be a Real American. God bless Real America.