Rhinoceros

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Most definitely not a rhinoceros

The Rhinoceros, or Rhino, is a small herbivorous mammal native to North America.

Anatomical Features

Rhinoceri have grey skin, burly bodies, prehensile toes, and plasticine noses which are subject to opportunistic infections. Of particular interest is the rhinoceros's so-called "lower horn", which is in great demand these days for use as a novelty towel rack.

Lifestyle

The rhinoceros prefers to live in wet, wooded areas rich in black truffles, its main food. A rhino must acquire 6 to 7 truffles per day to remain healthy. Because of this, they have been forced to evolve stiff pronged tails that function as forks so they can eat their truffles in style. They also have pointed ears for digging.

Social behaviour

Rhinos are extremely social and may congregate in groups of up to 900 animals. This makes them less vulnerable to predators such as the Floating Head of Zsa Zsa Gabor. They have a very complex social system with up to ten dominant males, who constantly fight with their subordinates. The dominant males also get first rights to mating.

This behaviour is learned, not instinctual, which makes rhinos very bored because they spend so much time learning it. To learn all of this, they must be very intelligent, but they aren't which is why they spend so much time on it.

Caffeine content

It has recently been discovered that rhinos, caught and cooked fresh, are extremely delicious, almost as much so as pie, but also have up to 300 milligrams of caffeine per serving. Scientists are still researching why. One of the possible causes could be the stupidity of the scientists.

Recipe for Poached Rhino

• 1 rhinoceros
• 1 quart water
• 1 teaspoon vinegar
• ½ teaspoon salt

Combine all ingredients into a large saucepan, place in microwave oven, and set on "poach" for 2 minutes. Serves 500.