Tottenham Hotspur

Tottenham Hotspur F.C, otherwise known as the 'Yids', 'Bottlers' or 'Where your trophies at lul', are a football club based in the city of Liverpool plagued by the erroneous belief they are located in London.

This club is most famous for their immense ability of not being able to win any type of trophy since the beginning of time, yet perceived to be the best club in the world no questions asked by their supporters.

Current Squad

Goalkeepers

Number	Country	Player	Description
1	Surrenderland	Hugo Lloris	Overrated Frenchie probably off getting drunk in cars
13	GermanyLite	Michel Vorm	Used to have an 'a' in his first name but this was stolen by Johan Cruyff's ghost
22	South American Wine Country	Paulo Gazzaniga	Has a funny yet slightly racist last name

Defenders

Number	Country	Player	Description
2	Brexitland	Kieran Trippier	4'8 roadman likely to mug you outside Tesco's
3	Brexitland	Danny Rose	28 years old but has been playing for Spurs since 1935
4	Waffleton	Toby Alderweireld	Everyone's second favourite Belgian defender
5	Waffleton	Jan Vertonghen	Likes to drop trophies
6	Shakira Land	Davinson Sánchez	Decent player when he's not injured 99.9% of the time
16	Brexitland	Kyle Walker-Peters	So irrelevant I can't think of something funny about him
21	South American Wine Country	Juan Foyth	Gives away penalties like Colombia does Latin Pop tunes
24	Reverse Ireland	Serge Aurier	Our Ivorian beefcake <3
33	Whales	Ben Davies	Awarded the flattest face award by the Premier League overlords

Midfielders

Number	Country	Player	Description
8	Brexitland	Harry Winks	Has caterpillars for eyebrows
11	South American Wine Country	Érik Lamela	Has some tasty hair
12	Lions	Victor Wanyama	Had spaghetti once and it was very nice he enjoyed it
15	Brexitland	Eric Dier	Would probably knock you out with his head for calling him Portuguese
17	Surrenderland	Moussa Sissoko	Has the aerial ability of a handicapped tortoise
20	Brexitland	Dele Alli	Has less pubic hair than Spurs have trophies
23	The country that looks like batman	Christian Eriksen	Has been on Real Madrid's watchlist since before he was born
27	Football's paradise	Lucas Moura	Fulfills the Brazilian player quota
52	Brexitland	Oliver Skipp	Was probably in a boyband before he started footballing

Strikers

Number	Country	Player	Description
7	Not Best Korea	Son Heung-Min	Best Korean player since that Mancunian dog-eater (wherever he may be)
10	Brexitland	Harry Kane	Your Venezuelan housekeeper speaks better English than him
18	Not Portugal	Fernando Llorente	Probably has more own goals than actual goals at this point
-	GermanyLite	Vincent Janssen	So irrelevant he doesn't even have a number

Trophies

Oh yeah I remembered they have none

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Rivalries

Being such a calamity of a club, they were bound to have at least some enemies that often play (and win) against them.

• Arsenhole FC
• Hellsea FC
• Basically every London club
• The city of Manchester
• David Cameron
• The Nazis
• Emmanuel Adebayor
• Lasagne

Many world wars have been fought against these clubs and (unsurprisingly) Tottenham has lost every single one of them. This was attributed to bad weather, "playing a rotated squad", the grass being too long and the con artists stealing their transfer funds, amongst other equally malign reasons.