David Cameron
| ||
| Deputy: | Nick Clegg | |
| Nationality: | British | |
| Term of office: | 2010 – 2016 | |
| Preceded by: | Goodon Broon | |
| Succeeded by: | Theresa May | |
| Date of birth: | The ides of March | |
| Place of birth: | Hell | |
| Date of death: | -- | |
| Place of death: | -- | |
| Spouse: | n/a | |
| Political party: | Concernatives | |
“Who actually voted for this guy?”
“What are you doing, Dave?”
David Cameron (A.K.A. 'D'-ave, Webcameron, The Heir to The Blair, The Liberal Conservative) is a simpering 'down wid da hood' do-gooder, professional hoodie-hugger and the world's first Tony Blair clone, created by a pack of Earls in Oxbridge, Aristocrasia. He's down with the kids, so please call him "D to the A to the V to the E". His serious face is 2' 3" long but, when he speaks about what's best for spoon buyers, his nose can reach up to 5 foot. This is one of the longest on record, but not nearly as long as Madonna's when trying to be English. He recently founded the focus group 'Think Right, Talk Left'.
In May 2010 David Cameron failed to win a majority in the general election - so he had to beg Nick Clegg to betray his party and make a power sharing deal, in a move Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe described as 'the type of thing I like to do'. Clegg was rumoured to be 'stoned out of his mind' at the time and accepted the offer. According to Clegg's diary, he woke up with a massive headache and David Cameron staring into his eyes. Dave and his jolly old chums from Eton now rule the country and will undoubtedly be responsible for the eventual death of the entire planet.
David Cameron is recyclable and was fully recycled in 2016, after the EU referendum, of which he will now become a statue in central London. Humiliating amounts of polish will be rubbed on his forehead.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
David Cameron is the product of Margaret Thatcher's brief love affair with Buzz Lightyear. He was conceived feet first, and instantly started kicking the midwife in the face due to her being a commoner.
Education[edit | edit source]
Heatherdown Preparatory School[edit | edit source]
At the age of seven, Cameron attended the independent Heatherdown Preparatory School at Winkfield in Berkshire, which counted Prince Andrew and Prince Edward among its alumni. The school closed in the early 1980s in the wake of a drugs scandal in which it was alleged that Cameron and two close friends had used the school's pantry to store their Michalmas Term's supply of grade A cocaine.
Eton College[edit | edit source]
Cameron received his secondary education at Eton where he initially served as a fag. Cameron hit trouble in May 1983, six weeks before taking his O-levels when he was revealed to have smoked skunk with some local chavs. Because he admitted the offence and had not previously been caught with chavs, he was not expelled, but he was fined, prevented from leaving school grounds, and given a punishment which involved copying 500 lines of Chav Slang.
Oxbridge University[edit | edit source]
Cameron went to Brokeback College in Oxbridge University where he studied P.P.E(Pathetic Pretentious Economics) but his degree is worthless for the media still recognise him as "That toff from Eton". He also stuck his anatomies into a dead pig's mouth.
Drugs[edit | edit source]
David discovered LSD in his Alphabetti Spaghetti as a 7-year-old, but he doesn't like to talk about it. David's drugs of choice are poppers, for he enjoys popping balloons on a regular basis. He says he simply takes poppers before making any public appearance as it helps him to relax and reminds him of his hot-air balloon days at Eton.
David Cameron still refuses to answer "yes" or "no" to allegations that he was a crackhead at university. His friend and Conservative Sex Party chairman, Gordon Brown has on several occasions stated on Cameron's behalf that it was "all a long time ago, and nobody can remember a thing, except that David was a great guy". However, video footage has surfaced on the internet of Cameron, aged 7, snorting cocaine off the back of a drunk prostitute. This statement may be misleading, for the woman was in actuality Cameron's mother.
Concern arose in February 2008 when a farmer in Cornwall noticed David Cameron with his foot trapped in a sheep's anus. The farmer reported that he had a nosebleed and was wearing nothing but a leotard and kneepads. All concerns were dismissed however when the sheep turned out to actually be Margaret Thatcher.
Business[edit | edit source]
David Cameron tries to win over the right of his party by taking part in an old Conservative pastime: puppy strangling
The silver spoon industry supports a small yet vibrant community in Northern Aristocrasia. Aristocrasia has a population of about 40,000 but has unlimited access to a market of nearly 60 million commoners. Its trade has been assured over the years by giving out free silver spoons, scratching other merchants' backs with said spoons, and doing other things with the spoons not fit for publication. Cameron thinks he can run somewhere called England, but is unlikely to get past the Scottish toff-beating industry's stake there.
The unfortunately successful Quest Campaign For 10 Downing Street[edit | edit source]
At quarter-to-three in the morning of 26th December 2009, David Cameron was recorded shouting "Good gosh, it's time for Change". This was interpreted by the media as a political appeal, but was in fact a request for his butler to turn over the channel on his television.
Following a brief idea-drafting excercise on a stolen pukka pad, Cameron settled on the sentence "Erm... Um... I'm not Gordon Brown" as his sole campaigning issue.
For a reason still not quite clear, he received a minority victory in the 2010 general election. After 6 days of begging a politically desperate Liberal Democrat party to join with him, Dave managed to fulfill his lifetime goal and resume the reign of an incompetent Conservative government after an absence of 13 years.
When will he go away?[edit | edit source]
Cameron will be returning to reality after his short disastrous spell as prime minister. He has already been targeted by the 'Please Go Away, David' campaign, a group comprised solely of Gordon Brown, Mr G. Brown, and, well... Gordon Brown's reflection. They are planning to replace him with another Tory with a higher IQ, which, quite frankly, could be anyone above the age of three. In 2016, Cameron was overthrown by some Eurosceptic 'bastards', and was replaced swiftly by Theresa May.
Cameron's destiny[edit | edit source]
Cameron will most likely end up in a care home for retired politicians. He will eventually pass on his spoon business to another graduate from the Eton School of Middle-Class excess. Should he ever become Prime Minister, he will be knifed in the back and his blood used to resurrect Margaret Thatcher. The ritual shall begin at 04.15pm outside of Portcullis House. Deacons Michael Howard and Oswald Moseley shall be conducting the services, and there shall be refreshments available afterwards. If you would like to make a booking in advance then please send a letter to the Conservative Party Headquarters at Little Avon-Hampington (it's just outside of Reigate). Please attach a cheque for 15,000 guineas and make it payable to Dr. Spurzheim Esq., Second Marquis of Lady Barkstone and the Surrounding Areas. Please note that we do not accept applications from blacks, atheists, gays, Jews, Muslims, Marxists, scientists, sociologists, vegetarians, hippies, vegans, your mother, and/or Michael Gove or Boris Johnson.
Pathetic Blair Clone[edit | edit source]
Pathetically led by focus groups (consisting entirely of Daily Mail readers), Cameron has worked furiously on his image. What has emerged is a middle-class, middle-brow non-entity, whose mind has never been sullied by a free thought. Like Blair, he attempts to give the electorate the impression of a family man, who nevertheless might - in the right circumstances - take it up the shitter.
David's face[edit | edit source]
It has been noted that David Cameron's face is a polished egg of gold and more slippery than a greased non-stick frying pan. It has also been discovered that light shines out of his anus.
| The 2010 British General Erection |
| An Illogicopedian guide to one of the biggest general elections since the last one. |
| Gordon Brown (Nu Liebour) • David Cameron (Concerninglyposh Party) Nick Clegg (Liberal Aristocrats) • Nick 'Twelve Points From' Griffindor (British Nazinal Party) |
| Result: Parliament was hung |
| The 2015 British General Erection |
| An Illogicopedian guide to one of the biggest general elections since the last one. |
| Ed "One Nation" Millipede (Lwabwaur Pwarty) • David "Suave" Camel-tron (Concerninglyposh Party) Nock Clogg (Liberal Failurecrats) • Nigel "The Barage" Farage (United Kingdom Independence Party) • Nicola "Nick" Sturgeon (Scottish National Party) • Thomas Standing-Shinjelly of the Coastal Routes Anti-Colonoscopy Party |
| Result:A majority for the Nasty Party... |