Virgin Mobile

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“Are phones that vibrate ever virgin?”

~ Paris Hilton on Virgin Mobile

Virgin Mobile is an exotic goods import/export service specializing in unblemished maidens, commonly known as virgins. Founded by Fred Rogers, the company's mission is "to provide connoisseurs of virgin sacrifice with an easy and inexpensive method of acquiring virgins in today's modern, politically correct society." Although sometimes criticized due to its oft-abused Quality Assurance program, Virgin Mobile's reputation for prompt delivery and excellent product support remains untarnished.

The Cuban-based company specializes in the selling of young virgins, bred and raised specifically for the fine tastes and full flavor required for a five-star virgin sacrifice. The finest young maidens are purchased from various locales throughout the world and are raised under constant pampering and the finest of care. They undergo rigorous exercise programs and bathe each other daily in giant steam baths. These bathing procedures are usually closed to the public; however, if one desires to purchase and raise their own virgin, one may upon receiving a special license to view the procedures as part of the Virgin Care Instructional Program. While not officially sanctioned by Virgin Mobile, company employees have occasionally sold instructional videos to those willing to pay for them. In recent months some of these videos have reportedly been downloaded from the underground website raisedfordeathvirgins.com.

When a virgin is certified for five-star consumption, it will be custom packaged and sold for anywhere from ฿500 to ฿10,000 and above depending on overall demand, time of year (mid-autumn sees peak virgin demand in the northern hemisphere) and growing region (maidens originating in the United Arab Emirates are the most valued; Thai virgins are the least expensive. Shipping is standard to all countries and planets except the southeastern United States, also known as the Bible Belt.

History

In 1946 Fred Rogers, having completed a tour of duty during the Australian occupation of Uzbekistan following World War II, entered a local eatery whereupon, according to eighth-hand accounts, he sampled a dish known as Virgin Sacrifice. Rogers was so enamoured with the dish that he stayed in Australia to start a company called Frederick Rogers' Unblemished Maidenhood Furnishment and Delivery Company. Amid much local fanfare, the first processing center was opened on February 30, 1947. Within 6 months, demand for Rogers' products grew exponentially, such that by 1948 the company was forced to import virgins from Japan despite the potential for radiation poisoning.

The Unblemished Maidenhoods Radiation Scandal

In June of 1948 Unblemished Maidenhoods, or U.M. as the company had come to be called, began receiving reports of radioactive contamination of customers who had purchased wholesale Grade D virgins. These virgins were imported from Japan and offered to consumers at great discounts. The company hoped that by providing a "quick fix", i.e. the ability to prepare a dish in under 10 minutes, it would start to recoup its sales and also be able to replenish its badly depleted, higher-quality stock. Unfortunately, many of the virgins were contaminated with high levels of radiation. As Quality Assurance in any form did not exist then, Unblemished Maidenhoods shipped approximately 250,000 Japanese Grade D virgins worldwide. The number of deaths resulting from this oversight has never been precisely determined, though estimates are anywhere from 1.5 to 3 million people over the following 2 years.

By 1949, the company had entered into receivership. By this time, other virgin-cultivation services began to emerge; their initial advertisement campaigns focused primarily on their superior quality virgins and U.M.'s lack thereof. Notable competitors' slogans at the time included "We Don't Carry Killer Kunts!" (Virgin Vittles™) and "Our Food Ain't Fried Before It's Fried!" (Queensland Fried Virgins™) Queensland Fried Virgins was the first company to offer ready-made, virgin-based meals and was the forerunner to today's fast-food services). These scathing advertisements, combined with severe public backlash, forced Unblemished Maidenhoods to implement massive corporate restructuring initiatives, resulting in the loss of some 25,000 jobs worldwide.

The Soviet Years

In 1950, Unblemished Maidenhoods was bankrupt. Chairman Fred Rogers, who by that time had ceased overseeing the day-to-day operations of the company, tried desperately to sell the company. Eventually he found a willing buyer, Soviet premier Josef Stalin. Like Rogers, Stalin was a devout consumer of virgin sacrifice and wanted a virgin company of his own. Stalin agreed to pay Rogers 1.5 million Rubles for all rights to U.M. and its products. Unfortunately, since Russian Rubles were worthless outside the Soviet Union, Rogers soon afterward died penniless in a New York apartment in 1951. Stalin, meanwhile, had completely renovated Unblemished Maidenhoods from the ground up and rechristened the company Красны Девственносты (simply, "Red Virgins"). Throughout the 1950's, Red Virgins' GDP steadily increased; by 1960 it was once again the dominant player in the virgin market and would remain so to the present day.

Advertising

Virgin Mobile's first televised "jingle", which it still uses today, is as follows:

"Do-do-do-doooooo, oo-waaaahhhh!"

"It doesn't matter who comes,"

"Fresh is better than rank"

"With virgins, sluts or filthy skanks!"

"Nothin' gets to you"

"More than smellin' like poo,"

"So Virgin Mobile's just for you!"

"Fresh is better!"

"Virgin Mobile!"

"Fresh is better"

"With Virgin Mobile in your life!"