Chewbacca
| Chewbacca | |
|---|---|
| |
| Residence | Kashyyyk |
| Affiliations | The Grand Army of Walking Carpets |
| Birth | Spawned from nothing at the beginning of Time |
| Species | Wookiee (Walking Carpet) |
| Occupation | Big Hairy Awesome Machine |
| Death | A moon crushed him when it collided with a planet. |
Chewbacca, or "Chewie" as his friends called him, was the mightiest Wookiee who ever lived. He was randomly spawned from nothing at the very beginning of Time. Chewie was really really tall, almost eight feet high.
After he was born, Chewbacca created the planet Kashyyk, a place for all Wookiees, walking carpets, could live in harmony. Chewbacca released the infamous Chewbacca Virus in order to make clones of himself. As you should know, a virus directs a living cell's nucleus to make copies of the virus. The virus, eventually formed another Chewbacca, and another, and another, and many more. Of course, Chewbacca made sure his clones were slightly different from him, as there can only be one true Chewbacca.
Throughout his early years, Chewbacca killed Chuck Norris at least twice a day. To keep the other Wookiees in line, Chewie hired a dictator named Han Solo. Chewbacca made Solo his slave, and together they ruled all of Kashyyyk. Han Solo gathered many Wookiees to build his big flying mabob, called the Millenium Falcon. Solo planned to use the falcon to overpower Chewbacca. But, little did Solo know that Chewbacca possed mind reading powers! Chewbacca found out about Solo's plan and melted him with his laser vision. Now that he had total control over his subjects, Chewie formed the Grand Army of Walking Carpets. Each able bodied Wookiee was shipped off to Kashyyk's millitary colony, on the planet Dagobah. Each warrior was equipped with a Mark IV Bowcaster Rifle, and a trusty hairball grenade. While exloring Dagobah looking for dinosaurs to kill, Chewbacca came across a funny little green elf thing. It called itself Yoda.
The green elf thing talked like a retard. He talked like: "Crap your pants, you shall!" or "Begun, the Fart Wars have." Chewbacca, who was so fed up with the green thing's rants, proceeded to eat him alive. Now, there was urgent matters to attend to. Chewbacca was going to attack the stupid Empire People. He knew that their cowardly Death Ball thing was no match for the Wookiees. And so, the Empire fell underneath Chewbacca, cowering like a little peanut girl. Many people had grudges against Chewbacca. Several people tried to assassinate him, but they returned only to have a bowcaster protruding from their chest.
When Chewbacca was at least 200 years old, a group of Chewie haters came together. They planned to finally get rid of the fleabag. So, a Wookiee traitor told Chewbacca that there was a super bowcaster on the planet only fifty miles away from Kashyyyk. Chewie arrived at this planet, searching for the weapon, when the Chewie haters shot the planet's moon at Chewbacca. Chewie howled into the night, as he was crushed to death by the moon. Thus, it was true that only a moon could kill Chewbacca. And that was the end of Chewbacca's life.