Forum:I'm sorry.
A fancier title would of deferred everything.
Some of you people may know me from the stuff I did in 2006, the stuff that I did in 2007 and the stuff that I did in 2008, all of those things being bad. After 2008 I just left both places, never to return again. Even though it was odd for me, the thoughts kept running through my head, tormenting me at occasions... Okay not really I do feel really bad about the stuff that I've done and the people that I've hurt. I was afraid to post this apology because people would think "is this guy really telling the truth, is he really sorry for the stuff he did to AE and the various sockpuppets that he created to evade his ban and the users he tried to force off the site" and because the people wouldn't see my apology as honest and I'd get the same kind of stuff I'd get from Uncyclopedia, a riotfest. Hopefully it doesn't come down to this.
Let's get this out of the way first. If anybody has personal contact with AE; I would like that someone to tell him user to user that I am sorry for the way I treated him, the stalking that I did and the words that I said to him. In a more specific way, I honestly have no idea why I beefed with the user, looking at him from a older perspective; he seemed like a nice guy who would be fun to hang out with in real life and his articles had promise that would of rang true had he hung around. If I had gone off the face of the earth and let AE do his thing then who knows how things would of turned out, hell he would of had a Featured Article on the front page but my 2007 self let a personal thing get in the way and made me interpret AE as some sort of user who I knew to be this person who I hated; I really shouldn't of seen him like that, I shouldn't of been hard on him and I shouldn't of gotten involved with that Mr. Winkler issue. I understand why people think of it as funny but the actual conflict involving the user who wanted the article deleted seemed stupid, so did those Mr. Winkler impersonators; I know that I can never make my apology as true as possible but I do want him to know that I'm sorry, I'm not expecting acceptance or anything, I just want to let him know to get this stuff off of my mind and move on with my life. AE was a user with potential, someone who seemed like a nice guy but I guess I couldn't see that at the time.
As for Mordillo; I now understand what he did and why he did it. I was acting like a dick and I didn't see his attempts to resolve the issue until it was too late; he seemed to be involved in the issue, he really wanted to help out but instead I treated him indifferently, focused on AE, did those stupid things which I don't even find funny anymore (don't know why I did) and screwed myself. Again, I understand what he did and the reaction to whatever the fuck I was doing at the time, through various warning I kept on going, and I was pretty affected when they took my awards and audio files because I was hooked and obsessed on the site in a deluded manner; I didn't know who the fuck I was and listening to a couple of audio files in the past, I seemed like an entirely different person. I was personally shocked myself when I listened about getting revenge on Uncyclopedia or something, what was I thinking. Mordillo is right, I am deluded and insane but I'm not going to hold anything against him, he's a great moderator and when he did try to help he did it well, I just wish I would of payed attention at the time or even matured the fuck up and gotten a life like he said. (Side note on that: I'm still cooped up in my house barely going anywhere so I don't have the type of life Mordillo wants but I've stop vandalizing, trying to evade bans and I've gone outside a couple of times, so it is an improvement from what I had before. Still...) I'm not expecting forgiveness or even an acceptance of the apology, I just want to let you know how I feel about the issue now to show how truly bad I feel about doing this today. Even though the text may not mean anything, I've taken a brief look into the past, I've realized my misdeeds and I am fully sorry even though what has happened can't easily be glossed over or forgiven.
Regarding Uncyclopedia. I have no plans to come back because one, I realize what I have done and I now fully respect the ban they put on me. two, even if I was allowed back (which would be super, super rare) I don't think I can come up with or create anything inspired; I've had a couple of ideas, even written a few articles but nothing seems to really pan out and I don't feel like I'll ever find my muse when it comes to those people; three, coming back there reminds me of a very, very bad time that I want to forget. Most of you people may know me from a site which I refuse to name where I spoke a lot live, I got into shit with a person from Memphis, there was back and forwarth, tons of yelling and even death threats all due to a bad joke that got turned into a personal issue. It got to the point where everybody on the site hated me, even when I tried to figure out how this could happen, how to emphasize and apologize and what I thought of the issue. I used Uncyclopedia as an escape, all of those UnNews articles, all of those article readings, all of those songs, I used them as an escape from the situation I had during that site. It even translated to real life where I was freaking violent, was thinking about murder and I couldn't manage myself anymore; I took the hatrid that I saw in the guy from Memphis and I put it into AE for some reason which I forgot. I honestly don't know what caused me to put all of my hate into him, what caused me to stalk him and threaten him; he wasn't like the guy from Memphis at all but I somehow saw him as that guy, and all of my anger, all of my rage got put into him. I wasn't thinking of myself as a hero or a voice of the people, hell I never thought of myself as a hero, I was just the guy who was freaking angry and diluted from a situation from that site and translated that to my Uncyclopedia behavior. There are times where I think back to the initial incident in mid-2007 and wonder how things had happened differently, would my life be different, would I not be where I am today? I do think about that sometimes.
Some of you people may think otherwise but I'm just going to admit it right now; listening back to my own work in 2007-2008, all of my audio files sucked. They had me speaking confused, I was somewhat annoying on them and I don't know what people found in them that made me win two awards that I'm glad got stripped from me. I did do some good with the funny accents and voices but most of it sucked, most of it was just a person trying to escape, foolishly thinking that his work is good when in actuality it's trash; all of it. I didn't have the presence, I didn't have the flow and I didn't have the freaking skill; all I had was an annoying voice and a misunderstanding of what was funny. If Mordillo has deleted all of my audio files then I'd like to thank them because if they still existed then I wouldn't of learned a lesson and I would of had to deal with people associating me with that work; I couldn't voice for shit, especially the terrible songs with unfunny lyrics and terrible singing. I used it as an escape for my own needs; even the people on other forums thought my voice was crap, My voice is better then what it was before but I release anything; anything! then I fear it's going to be linked back to this crap. Same with the things that I did, I made a terrible reputation for myself on Uncyclopedia to the point where one of the Worst Of lists featured three of me and my name got put up in various places as an example; there is nothing anybody can do to erase that and while I've learned to live with it; I fear that if people research me then they will associate me with the bad things rather then the good things, especially the things I did in 2007. Creating sockpuppets and doing stupid stuff in IRC is regrettable, really regrettable; so much so that I fear I will not get anywhere with the public record that I have, even if I apologized 10x over, it still wouldn't erase the stuff that I did and the stuff that happened because of it. I may seem a bit dickish saying it but it's one of the fear I have when exposing anything about the past; I don't want people to see me as the stupid vandal who drives users away from Uncyclopedia and does that as his life, I want to be seen as a person, an average person.
I'm honestly still somewhat of a dick; while I can try, I don't think I can ever truly get rid of the combative behavior (I am not doing it towards other users recently.) or the overly wordy and confrontational opinions to even be a decent member here. I understand what people see me as here for but I don't think I can truly fit in with the bunch of guys on this site (hence the reason I've retired.) nor would I want to be known as the person who's associated with this site for personal reasons. I've created a bunch of other stuff and explored other forums under various usernames which I'm afraid to reveal due to the connection they would make; what happens if I post my work on other sites, would a user use it to create a case against me? would they signify that I haven't changed at all, would they mock it to no end. I know it sounds stupid but it's a real fear that I have, something I can't get past yet but there will be the time where I'll have to reveal what usernames I've been posting under and well, I guess I'll have to learn to face the music like I did with Uncyclopedia. But back to the point, my life had made this a bigger issue for me then other people would assume; I know it's fucking weird, I know it's fucking stupid but everytime I hear "Guess What?", I'm reminded about the moment with Mordillo. Holding stuff back can cause anger and remorse for a person, for one to move forward they'd have to let go of something; I don't know if any of this will work or if any of this will be taken as the honest me who's realized his mistakes but hopefully this will help me to move forward.
I don't want to relive 2007-2008 again, I don't want to have to think about that site and all of the people and all of the anger that I had to endured, the crazy phone calls that I made, the stupid stuff that I did and the various things that I did that I don't think could ever be taken back. What I did in 2007-2008 was the worst point of my life, something that I want to forget and something that I want to move past from. I still have two other things to resolve but I don't think I'll ever be able to garner up the courage to resolve those issues nor would I expect the people in those cliques to listen to what I have to say and take it honestly and move past it; the stuff I did at both places alienated people but one to the point where everybody sees me as this way and their incorrect opinion of me will never change to the point that they will spread it around and I will be powerless to fight against it (one of the reasons I'm afraid.) and another where it just leaves me paranoid, there are people who like me but there are people who dislike my personality and I fear that even though the number of people who like me are greater, I'm paranoid that they've barred me from ever trying to speak or even try to apologize. I know, I'm only a coward if I don't try but this paranoid feeling is too great and I'm afraid to even try due to fears they might blacklist me further. Again, I hope this helps me to move forward on one issue in my life. I'm not looking to return to Uncyclopedia or Illogicopedia; I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
--TaylorKarras (talk) 10:33, 2 Yoon 2012 (UTC)
- I'm sure people (on this wiki anyway) will be completely understanding, we all do things that we look back and cringe on. Besides, 4 years is a long time for a wiki, and the majority of the people here won't have been around in 2007-08. I understand this is not what you are looking at doing at the minute, but you're most certainly welcome to return here, should that be your wish.--Ben Blade 13:19, 2 Yoon 2012 (UTC)
- I have no idea what you were ranting about, or why you put it here, but as a formerly MIA admin, I recommend that you start pumping out articles and knock the rust off of this decrepit wiki. But seriously though, I didn't read that. Does someone want to give me a tl;dr?
- Also, I'm not going to ban you (That wall of text had something to do with banning, right? I hope so.) unless you try to sell me wooden sex toys. I'm usually a sucker but I've learned my lesson after having to get the splinters surgically removed from my sac last time. —rms talk 21:24, 3 Yoon 2012 (UTC)
- As a relative noob to all this, I have no idea what's going on, but I would like to state for the record that I love you guys. -— Athyria
01:41, 21 Ergust 2012 (UTC)
- As a relative noob to all this, I have no idea what's going on, but I would like to state for the record that I love you guys. -— Athyria
- "I fear that if people research me then they will associate me with the bad things rather then the good things…I fear I will not get anywhere with the public record that I have…I may seem a bit dickish saying it but it's one of the fear I have when exposing anything about the past…"
- That’s a universal fear. No one wants their past Internet stupidity coming back to haunt them. Mars Cadbury (talk) 02:54, 23 Ergust 2012 (UTC)
What the crap is this? --Nerd42 (talk) 03:40, 23 Ergust 2012 (UTC)
- I suffer from blinkered, Philistine pig-ignorance. Do any of y'all have any high-fructose corn syrup?
15:47, 23 Ergust 2012 (UTC)
- I actually read all that when it first got posted. I feel bad for him, even though I really don't understand a lot of it. --Mars Cadbury (talk) 06:52, 4 Yoon 2014 (UTC)
