HowTo:Look after your sibling
It does not take a professional to handle certain familial responsibilities. Such duties can be made significantly harder, though, if you're practically blind and have the tendency to more often than not operate heavy machinery. Just be thankful that you were never put on the bus that crashed, never to return again, simply because people thought your name was too fancy for three-year-olds to properly comprehend.
For sometimes on the bus there may be perils, such as ants and inappropriate drivers. Even if the ants are your pets there's every potential for them to end up inhabiting disastrous individuals, or perhaps seeking vengeance on the bus driver, who is currently rolling around on the floor scratching himself in gargalesthesial agony. If you can get into these perils on your own, who knows what things might befall your sibling if you just so happen to have been aligned with a terrible occupation on that particular Tuesday?
For the following assignment you will need:
- Fifty metres of bandages
- Any and every electronic device within the vicinity
- Your last scrap of dignity
- Bulldozers, cranes, helicopters, etc.
- A friend or acquaintance who likely possesses a fear of flying but inexplicably takes the plane anyway, conveniently sacrificing his own eyeglasses to provide for your partial blindness
What not to do
Any pair of siblings will occasionally fall into rivalry. Whether the rivalry is intentional or not makes no difference - often siblings can be severely harmed in factories or on farms during harvest season simply due to a lack of proper caretaking.
The association of completely not helpful guides strongly warns against these practices:
- Do not drop your sibling from an aeroplane whilst teaching them how to skydive. This can lead to pain, death, and possibly title sequences.
- Do not use the remote to to play with their electric bedding whilst they are in intensive care (most likely from that skydiving incident). Though bedding isn't necessarily firm enough for crushing internal organs, it can cause suffocation and a slightly-too-good night's sleep.
- Do not try and give your sibling glasses. Whilst it might make you feel validated, they may run into a wall and end up comatose.
- Do not build the walls of your house from particularly strong brick, as they are likely to run into a wall anyway. Instead opt for a glorious pillow fort where you can host pizza parties and throw socks at Germans.
Slightly better procedures
If one wishes to travel by heavy machinery or a similar means of transportation, the following precautions should be taken:
- Be sure to keep your sibling bandaged at all times, even during the absence of severe head trauma. The more bandages you apply, the more professional you will appear.
- Always remain Welsh, as terrible news in a stereotypical Welsh accent sounds a lot more lighthearted.
- If you plan on jet-skiing, ensure that your sibling is properly equipped with a licence to do so. Failure to provide such a licence may result in paying a liver sausage fine of 500 seagulls.
- Always bring a spare pair of glasses in case yours get damaged or broken in the caretaking process. Borrowing glasses from the nearby potato is not recommended as they will not be adjusted to your eyes and may cause anxiety.
Your sibling will be probably be rather maimed, as per usual, or likely die.
Good luck having to deal with that on set. Heh heh... heh... heh...