Jack Michaelson

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Jack Michaelson was an American musician, songwriter and controversial media copyright-aversion technique. An eighth child, he initially found fame as part of sibling sextet The Michaelson Six before carving out a highly successful solo media-baiting career. Often referred to as the "Prince of Pop", he is best known for leeching off the success -- and in some many cases the controversies -- of a more prominent musician whose name bears a striking resemblance to Michaelson's.

Four of his studio albums, Off The Concrete Barricade (1979), Not Very Good (1987), Ever-So-Slightly Hazardous (1991) and Hysterectomy (1995) achieved great commercial success off the back of his Spoonerist namesake's album sales, each hitting number one in the Antarctican music charts. His greatest hits compilation, Leech: The Story of Jack Michaelson remained at the top of said charts for seven years after its 1998 release, beating off stiff competition from Whalesong for Lonely Eskimos and Do You Think Polar Bears Eat Penguins? by Bjork in its record 360-week reign.

Mental breakdown[edit]

Why not just tell people I'm an alien from Mars. Tell them I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight. They'll believe anything you say, because you're a reporter. But if I, Michael Jac... I mean, Jack Michaelson, were to say, 'I'm an alien from Mars and I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight,' people would say, 'Oh, man, that Jack Michaelson is nuts. He's cracked up. You can't believe a damn word that comes out of his mouth.'[1]

—Jack Michaelson

As Michaelson became more popular, close friends commented that he was starting to lose his grip on reality. He became delusional and would spend his days watching endless repeats of the movie Toy Story at his Helen Kellerland ranch. It was around this time he developed a strong attachment to Mr. Potato Head: whenever his favourite character appeared on screen, Michaelson would shriek like a schoolgirl and utter unintelligible gibberish whilst grinning in a mentally unstable (and unfashionable) fashion.

Concerned with his master's well being, Babbles, Michaelson's pet hyena, got in touch with a local doctor. Due to the lack of Nationalised Healthcare in the United States, however, the best he could afford was a traveller with a fake Doctorate from Bovine University, MA.

There's no doubt that Jack's activities are slightly weird and most likely the result of an abusive childhood, but as far as I'm concerned, he is perfectly fine. Therefore, we can assume that Mr. Michealson is completely healthy and has no underlying mental health issues whatsoever, because there is no such thing.

Satisfied by the surprisingly coherent diagnosis of a homeless drunk, nobody gave the issue a second though. That was, until Michaelson started making regular trips to back alley facial sculpturing surgeons in an attempt to become more like his potato-faced hero.

Death and resurgence of popularity[edit]

A Jackson, erm, sorry, Michaelson fan lays a wreath at a shrine dedicated to the star.

On June 25th 2009, Michaelson was found collapsed in his Tucson home having suffered a cardiac arrest [2]. Paramedics could not resuscitate him, yet he was fit and well to attend a press conference the following day to confirm the successful staging of his death. As a result of the media stunt, his record sales skyrocketed; just 24 hours after the news had filtered through, fourteen of his albums occupied the top twenty of the Amazon music charts [3].

Michaelson immediately announced his return to the music industry with a fifty-show tour of London scheduled to take place the following month, set to net the star over $50 million in poker tokens and book vouchers. The money, he excitedly exclaimed, would go "a long way towards repaying the debt" he owes on his Helen KellerLand ranch in California.

He'll have a tough time paying off his debts with those. He'd be better off hiring Derren Brown to show him how to play poker, or open a book exchange website. Still, it's certainly worth it for the back-breaking tour dates and lifespan-shortening abuse of the vocal chords.

—Anonymous member of the press

References[edit]

  1. Taraborrelli, p. vii
  2. Jack Michaelson dead at 50: Retro Yakking
  3. Michael Jackson isn't really dead: Retro Yakking