Mousepad

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Mousepads are one of Mankind's Greatest inventions. They are little fluffy pads that have a smooth surface, and you put your mouse on it and it doesn't go nuts when you try to move it like it normally does. It was first invented by Gregor Vladivostok during the Great Mousepad War, but the design was stolen by Robert Oppenheimer while he was studying his theories of particle physics.

Origins[edit]

Life before the mousepad was cruel and unusual. Computer nerds everywhere were outraged because they couldn't move their mouse to click on World of Warcraft. Their dirty tables were too rough and their mouses' were getting scratched up and not working. There was turmoil everywhere, such as the Great Mousepad War of 1960, which had the USA and Soviet Union pitted against each other in a battle of wills. This event is also referred to as the Cold War, and is usually perceived to be about the race to build nuclear warheads, but this is actually false, for much of the conflict of the Cold War was about finding usable technologies to make a mousepad.

The Early Battles[edit]

The earliest recorded battle of the Great Mousepad War was between two native tribes in North Africa. Chief "xxxkikassawesomeguyxxx" was a leader of a tribe that was living in an area that was hard hit after WWII. He and Chief "ipwnurface" had a history of violence between each other. Most of this conflict stemmed from splitting up the rewards after the two tribes had successfully raided a Lvl +60 Dungeon and defeated the boss of the cave. While they were willing to work together to accomplish quests and defeat bosses, they failed to resolve a way to split up the money, glory, and who would receive the "Nerd of Glory Award". Both Chief "xxxkikassawesomeguyxxx" and Chief "ipwnurface" are believed to have come up with the earliest traceable design of the what could barely be considered a mousepad. Both of their methods involved tying a bunch of sticks together with weed grass. Both Chiefs had their fellow party members convinced that it was superior to what they had used before, which was a dead mule, which served as a table.

On one day in World of Warcraft the two tribal leaders met. They raided a dungeon, killed a boss, saved a princess, and completed other things that are cliche things in video games. Chief "ipwnurface" was bragging about his new mousepad (called at the time "click clock clu mic tik took"), and Chief xxxkikassawesomeguyxxx wasn't going to take his crap. He revealed his own mousepad (also called "click clock clu mic tik took") and the two challenged each other to a fight to the death, no mercy. The battle in ended with Chief "ipwnurface" accusing Chief "xxxkikassawesomeguyxxx" of being a uber-hax0r with no skill, and Chief "xxxkikassawesomeguyxxx" violently destroyed him with a sledgehammer.

The Invention[edit]

The Soviet Union Mousepad[edit]

At first it seemed like the Soviet scientist were ahead in the making of the mousepad. They had tested the mouse's reaction to several surfaces including, ice, fire, and bologna. Despite the fact that none of these materials were suitable for the mousepad, progress was still progress, and the Soviets were confident that they would succeed soon. Gregor Vladivostok was one of the leading scientist in this effort. His theory of Quantum mechanics predicted two things: (1) that the mousepad would have to be square, and (2), that it would be very thin. The full theory is displayed here:

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The formula was confusing, mainly because it violated the three main rules of Complex Square Theory, mainly because the result of the formula depicted a square with curved corners. This was met with monumental opposition, because scientists believed that it wasn't a square anymore because of its curved corners, and while this is true, the formula specifically came out with a value (Failed to parse (MathML with SVG or PNG fallback (recommended for modern browsers and accessibility tools): Invalid response ("Math extension cannot connect to Restbase.") from server "https://wikimedia.org/api/rest_v1/":): {\displaystyle D<F} ) that is attached to basic squares in Complex Square Theory. This then lead to the interpretation of the shape being a square, but several values indicated curved corners. Because of the fact that the two values were logically impossible (due to the straight-curved line postulate), many scientist dismissed Vladivostok's theories and equations as complete and total rubbish.

Despite this inconvenience, Vladivostok continued to work on his theory. Helping him was Andrusk Polosaki, another physicist working in the same department. He believed that it was possible for a square to have curved edges, and still remain a square, as long as the curve didn't contradict with the angle of the intersection. What this means is that the curve could meet up with the two lines and the figure could still be considered a square. This received opposition from several scientists, all of which had more experience in the field of Complex Square Theory than Polosaki did. But in the end, Polosaki's proof was so well thought out and formulated that no other scientist could deny it logically (see Polosaki Square Proof).

The Capitalist Bastards Americans[edit]

Meanwhile, American nuclear physicist Robert Oppenheimer had general ignored the Mousepad, and was focus on discovering what could be called a prototype for quantum mechanics. Should it have been completed, it arguably would have been one of the greatest sciences of the time, and would've earned Oppenheimer World wide fame. But alas, Oppenheimer was contacted by the US Government, and he was immediately given $300,000 to figure out how to make a working Mousepad.

To Robert's advantage, the CIA and the FBI had managed to come into possession of the work of Vladivostok and Polosaki. He studied their theorems intensely, and was greatly interested in the Vladivostok Mousepad, as well as the Polosaki Square. While at first Oppenheimer thought Vladivostok's theories was rubbish, he slowly realized that Vladivostok's equations were correct and didn't actually violate any of the laws of Complex Square Theory. He came to this conclusion, because he determined (using Complex Square Theory) that the shape predicted by the equation was not a square, and because of that Complex Square Theory did not apply to it. He determined that Failed to parse (MathML with SVG or PNG fallback (recommended for modern browsers and accessibility tools): Invalid response ("Math extension cannot connect to Restbase.") from server "https://wikimedia.org/api/rest_v1/":): {\displaystyle D} , whose appearance in the formula puzzled scientists, was equal to 187, and not 57. And Failed to parse (MathML with SVG or PNG fallback (recommended for modern browsers and accessibility tools): Invalid response ("Math extension cannot connect to Restbase.") from server "https://wikimedia.org/api/rest_v1/":): {\displaystyle D} is ALWAYS equal to 57. So, using Albert Einstein's theory of General Relativity, he was able to use Vladivostok equation to achieve all other properties of the Mousepad, including it's mass, length, and color, which was green. It was only possible for a Mousepad to be green according to Vladivostok's equations, but Oppenheimer developed his own equation, which allowed the mousepad to be any color.

So the USA started full production of the Mousepad, and they defeated the Soviet Union in the cold war. The Soviet Union became to manufacture it's own mousepads, but they were only green mousepads, while the USA had yellow and blue ones too.

The Actual War[edit]

While the scientist were hard at doing science things, a full blown war had broken out across Europe. The rise of Rudolph Hitler had caused violent warfare to occur frequently, and also triggered the Angry Mexican Rebellion of 1965. For a ten year period, the world was soaked in the blood of innocent soldiers.

Cuban Missile Crisis[edit]

Believe it or not, the Cuban Missile Crisis had something to do with the Mousepad. Adolf Hitler had shipped a bunch of Nazi Bears with plasma rifles over to Cuba, in exchange for allowing Fidel Castro to lose his virginity. With Fidel satisfied, Hitler was now free to slowly corrupt the Cuban Political System. JFK was aware of Hitler's presence, and was afraid that Hitler would launch the Nazi Bears into Florida. He feared this because the Nazi bears would kill all the old people, and JFK knew that the old people were essential if the economy was to remain stable, because they would always forget that they had already bought things.

Hitler wanted to attack America directly, because of he knew of Robert Oppenheimer's work on the Mousepad. He wanted to figure out the Vladivostok equation, and since Vladivostok was in hiding, he had no choice but to kill Oppenheimer. In addition to this, Hitler had several other plans while in Cuba, such as inventing the Hot Pocket. He also plan to set up a secret space launch pad so that he could set up a base on the moon. he wanted to do this to build the GINAT FCUKING CANNON OF DOOM RUN FOR YOU LIFES so he could cause destruction anywhere in the touch of a button.

The Crisis ended with the eventual withdrawal of Hitler from Cuba. Hitler and JFK had talked with each other several times over the phone. Hitler had threatened to launch one of his Nazi Bears into Florida, but JFK said that if he did that he would personally see to it that Chuck Norris would destroy Hitler and all of his unborn babies, so Hitler backed down. But before that he did launch one of his bears over, and Chuck Norris turned into a light wave and punched the Nazi Bear in the face. Conspiracy theorists deny that Chuck Norris killed the Nazi Bear, and instead believe that it was this same Bear that Assassinated JFK in the Olympics. However this is considered to be total rubbish.

Angry Mexican Rebellion[edit]

Hitler called up Sir Enrico Gonzales Guadalupe Francisco and told him that he would give him one million dollars if he convinced his people to rise up and kill America. Sir Enrico Gonzales Guadalupe Francisco could not resist such an offer and agreed to the deal. What Hitler did not tell Sir Enrico Gonzales Guadalupe Francisco was that he was going to give him the money seven hundred years from now, because if Hitler won the war, he would be immortal, which was a deal he struck with the Cheesecake of Doom.

Sir Enrico Gonzales Guadalupe Francisco convinced his people that America was evil because they rednecks were always breaking the lawnmowers, and that they were not getting paid enough. The Mexicans under Sir Enrico Gonzales Guadalupe Francisco's rule were not very smart, and had no idea that they were actually getting paid lots of money, and that Sir Enrico Gonzales Guadalupe Francisco was sapping their money through outrageous taxes.

The Angry Mexicans first attacked George Bush's ranch in Texas, where they violently murdered the future president of America. However Dick Cheney revived him using a stolen Nazi Revival Machine and erased the incident from Bush's memory. This also erased half of his brain cells. Bush's sacrifice was not in vain, for his dog Barney managed to significantly damage the Angry Mexican army by starting up a lawn mower. The Mexicans heard the sound and immediately started their Great Lawnmower worship ritual. Being so entranced by lawn mower, Barney was able to run half of them over with a Ford Pickup Truck, but eventually the lawnmower turned off and the angry Mexicans mauled Barney.

The Angry Mexican Rebellion was stopped by Chuck Norris and Master Chief, with effort from Godzilla. Chuck and the Chief jumped into a warthog, with Chief driving, and Chuck Norris operating the turret, like he always does. Chief drove the warthog off a cliff and onto Godzilla's back, who created a fire beam for them to drive on. Chuck fired as much as he could at the Angry Mexicans, but as soon as the warthog touch the fire beam it exploded, significantly damaging both Godzilla and Master Chief. Chuck Norris was surrounded by Mexicans, so he merged his soul with Master Chief's and Godzilla's souls, and became Master Chuckzilla, and then destroyed all the Angry Mexicans by going into the Spirit Realm and personally kicking the Great Lawnmower in the nut, which killed it. All the souls of the Angry Mexicans vanished into thin air, because they had no one to except them upon their deaths.