Thane Athos Bible

Creation of the universe

In the beginning Dog created heavy metal. He moshed for a while but got bored and banned moshing. He then created planet Earth, the largest moshpit imaginable. Obviously, it was formless, dark and empty due to no one being allowed to mosh let alone any metalheads being created yet. Dog stopped for a while to take a leak and thus were created the oceans, seas, rivers and lakes. He descended from the clouds with his parachute to drink some water. But alas, the water was cursed, for whoever drank from it shall suffer from a daily thirst and eventually die. Dog realized this immediately and He thought to himself: “Water sucks. Let the dirty peasants drink their water once they're created. I prefer scotch myself.”

Then Dog said to himself, because he had been alone for an eternity. “Darkness sucks, so let there be un-darkness.” Thus there was no darkness anymore. But Dog couldn't sleep now. “Uh... let there be darkness!” He said again. This repeated for a while until Dog proclaimed: “This sucks. I can't just repeat the same two sentences every twelve hours. It's boring.” And thus Dog created a table clock and connected it to a tape recorder, which would time and time again repeat the two sentences at the right times. “I'm such a smart guy”, He thought. And from that point onward became intelligent design the ultimate truth of mankind. Dog called darkness dark, obviously, and un-darkness was named knight. “Nananananananana nananananananana batmaaaaan!” Dog hummed to himself. Then he separated un-darkness from darkness because he thought to himself: “I'm racist, so why not?”

“Before I create any Earth dwellers to eat, poop and eat poop, they need something to fuel that poop with”, thought the dog as wise as ever. And he snapped his fingers although he didn't have any because he could, and Earth grew a green beard. “Let them eat the beard”, He said, but no one was created yet. An error box popped up like a pimple on Dog's face manifesting Error 404. He left the error message there for a while and turned some lights on in the sky. It took a while, but after a day he was done. Dog set the lights to turn on while the darkness came and off when it left. He called them His night lights. One light of his shone brighter than the others and Dog named it Moon. Unlike the other lights, it didn't go away when darkness did. It just shone brighter. “Sun, you disappoint me”, frowned Dog.

Dog closed Minecraft and started playing Spore instead. He made the strangest creatures dwell the Earth and kill each other. After a while He got bored and just created fish to populate the waters, birds to populate the skies and the rest to populate the land. Among them spared Dog one place for his masterpiece which was the man and not the woman, because it was immoral and dangerous for women to be naked in public. First He created him in His image, but he became just another stupid dog and started chasing his own tail and humping the legs of elephants. Therefore He had to create a human man for at least one of his creations to make at least a small bit of sense. But the man started humping elephants just like the dog and so Dog asked him: “Why are you humping elephants?” “Because I don't have a wife, you idiot!” shouted the man at Dog. Dog sighed and created a human woman for the man.

“Now”, said Dog, “I don't care what you do, as long as you have babies and lead this land. I'm outta here.” And Dog ascended back to the clouds. “Oh yeah”, He remembered, “Just don't eat that tree.” He pointed at the apple tree. “Why?” asked the first people of the Earth. “It's mine.” answered Dog. But one animal among everyone else was somehow so well educated that it could talk. It was the cat, Dog's mortal arch-nemesis. “Eat the tree now that that bone-chewing moron has left!” tempted the cat. “But what if he bites our uncles?” asked the people in fear. “Who cares about your smelly old uncles? You're just scared of him, is all.” insulted the cat, and so the woman engulfed the tree as a whole.

Dog got word of this and so he cursed anyone eating cellulose to poop for longer times and more painfully than those eating normal food. “Poor vegans and toilet bowls. However, this had to be done due to the woman's perversions. Never should have created the thing for the man.” frowned Dog. “I must find them before they do any dumber things than this.” And so He set off again with his trustworthy parachute down to the land, but the people were hidden. Dog saw them however, and told them to come out of a berry bush. The cat thought this to be the best time to skedaddle but Dog caught it and shot it into a black hole. the world is all a hoax... Run while you can because once you read this, it will be too late.. :)