The Complete Anthology of Apologies for All Crimes Committed Since the Dawn of Time, Volume One
An apology follows, but first, the admissions of guilt:
- Clarification: But some other jerk removed all of the adult content I added. What gives?
- I put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp,
- I put the ram in the rama lama ding dong,
- I put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop?
- I put the dip in the dip da dip da dip?
- Clarification: I didn't do it to make your baby fall in love with you. That was a completely unintentional side effect. I suppose I'm happy for you, but keep your grubby hand to yourself. Thanks.
- I suggested to John Lennon that he was more popular than Jesus.
- I showed Jimmy Page how to make a fish taco.
- I discovered Vanilla Ice.
- I signed Milli Vanilli.
- I bought another round for George Jones.
- I sold crack to Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown and Amy Winehouse.
- I loaned my belt to Michael Hutchence.
- I provided dating tips to Michael Jackson, Jerry Lee Lewis, George Michael, R. Kelly and Akon.
- And speaking of Jacksons: I designed Janet Jackson's wardrobe.
- I told Sinead O'Connor it would be funny to tear up a picture of The Pope on TV.
- I tutored Phil Spector with his target practice.
- I referred Mystikal to my hair stylist.
- I wrote: "Macarena", "Who Let The Dogs Out", and "Life Is A Highway". Later, after sacrificing a live virgin to Almightly Satan, I penned "Achy Breaky Heart".
- I discovered Gary Coleman, Emmanuel Lewis, and Jaleel White.
- In fairness (or perhaps to spread the misery around), I also discovered Jim J. Bullock, Dustin Diamond, and Dave Coulier.
- I greenlighted AfterMASH, Cop Rock, Homeboys in Outer Space, and Cavemen (with the latter only after a hefty bribe from GEICO).
- I cancelled Star Trek, the original series.
- I shot JR Ewing.
- I was the sound engineer for the Watergate tapes.
- I told Strom Thurmond to give interracial dating a try.
- I left my half-finished Coke on Clarence Thomas's desk.
- I convinced Gary Condit that lawyers were too expensive, and to take matters into his own hands.
- I enouraged Mark Foley, Jim McGreevey and Larry Craig to get out and meet new people.
- I was Elliot Spitzer's accountant.
In Products and Inventions
- I created New Coke, but also suggested Crystal Pepsi to their competitors just to keep the playing field even.
- I didn't create HeadOn, but I did create the advertisements.
- I developed Teflon, knowing full well you'd buy it on those non-stick frying pans, and knowing even more fully well that it would eventually flake-off in nice carcinogenic bits.
And Now... An Apology
Sorry about that. Really. And sorry for not apologizing for each of those things individually. The aim here was to conserve space. Honestly. And apologies as well for some of those terribly rude clarifications up there.
Additionally, it was somewhat misleading, and by "misleading" I mean to say an outright lie to call this an Anthology of Apologies when it is, in fact, an Anthology of Crimes. Kindly consider us sorry for that as well.
So... we're good?
(In retrospect, this single, all-encompassing apology was really the way to go.)