Alexander Cyclonefence

Alexander "Alexander"² Cyclonefence (1400 - 1945) was an inventor. Over the course of his unusually long career, he produced many magnificent and/or brilliant inventions using no resources but the planet he was born on. Some of the inventions were even useful.

His career was jump-started by the beginning of the Italian Renaissance, which, coincidentally, he had also invented. One of Alexander's other inventions in his "Italian period" (and now the most famous) was toast, which continues to shock and amaze people even today.³ Despite the obvious staying power of toast, it was disregarded by the Italians, who were unwilling to convert from their ancestral diet of bone marrow, tree sap and pasta. Distraught, Alexander left Italy for France, where for some reason he thought he might be appreciated.

Alexander arrived in France in the midst of the Hundred Years War, which he found, to his dismay, to be in its 101st year. Inspired to rectum-fy this error, Alexander hastily invented Joan of Arc, which instantly solved the problem. Despite this accomplishment, Alexander Cyclonefence still went unnoticed; the stupid French had recognized Joan of Arc as a person rather than a cleverly constructed mechanical automaton. Dumbasses.

Now doubly distraught, Alexander did the only sensible thing - he left Europe for "America", aka the New World (which was all just one place back then). Unfortunately for Alexander, America was not yet invented in the 1400s, and as a result he couldn't find a motel to stay at. He tried his best to invent America based on his own ideas of utopia⁴, but came up with the Inca Empire instead. For the next hundred years, Alexander served as the court inventor/jester to the Emperor. Alexander fell out of favor with the Emperor about every two years, which happened to be how often the Emperor actually saw him. In 1528 Alexander was finally exiled for inventing duct tape, which many Incas had become badly addicted to. He then fled to Malawi, (then called Nyasaland) mainly because it was really fun to say.

The rest is boring.

So instead of boring you some more, I'll regale you with a few brief and hopefully puzzling anecdotes about Alexander Cyclonefence (that one inventor guy).

Alexander Cyclonefence is known in literary circles for his groundbreaking novel Guide to Electric Toothbrush Operation, which is the story of a prospector's quest to find his lost nephew, told as if it was a technical manual having nothing to do with that.

Alexander Cyclonefence invented the longest-lived political party in the United States, the American Socialite Party, which elected three Congressmen in 1920 due to a typo on the ballots.

Alexander Cyclonefence also invented bad movies, which were lauded at the time because they gave critics something to do.

Contrary to popular belief, Alexander Cyclonefence did not invent the cyclone fence, but did assault its true inventor Thomas Edison, stole his original fence and promptly kicked him in the penis, which disabled Edison for the next year. He had it coming.

Alexander Cyclonefence was also not a major opponent of Freemasonry, adding to the potential conspiracy there.

Other Inventions

• Frogs
• Normality
• The country of Turkey
• The telegrammophone
• Maple syrup
• Justification
• Paper made out of grass and a key
• The context of the word "offensive"
• Trees made out of rubber that are not "rubber trees" per se
• The stop sign
• The "alligator crossing" sign
• Some kind of life-prolonging ointment
• Air
• Maps
• Light

Fun Fact

• All inventors are named Alexander in some way or another.
  • Really.

Footnotes

2 - Over the centuries, Alexander had many nicknames, only one ("Alexander") of which he actually preferred to be addressed by.

3 - The original toast is currently on display at the Museum of Modern Art.

4 - It includes motels, obviously.