Daily Mail (Uncyclopedia fork)
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“I've always been a Daily Mail reader. I prefer it to a newspaper”
The Daily Mail is a hugely popular British newspaper which panders exclusively to working class racists, also harbouring a significant following among those who try to look like a part of the British middle classes by emulating the middle classes' ability to look down on the less entitled. At the time of its creation, the Daily Mail was Britain's first newspaper aimed at the emergent "lower-middle class market resulting from national mass education", and has aimed from the outset to negate the effects of that education in prompt time.
Although not as popular as The Sun, the Daily Mail indulges in similar finger-pointing and hypocrisy, and nevertheless enjoys a daily readership of over two million people. Of these, 53% are women, which single-handedly justifies the Mail's rampant misogyny, and the remainder are Nick Griffin. All of the Daily Mail's readers, however, are staunch Conservatives who share the Westboro Baptist Church's flawed understanding of their opinions' importance; in fact, the Daily Mail is dependent on its readers' sense of pride to convince them that they are too good for The Sun, although the equally right-wing Times newspaper is kept off their radar by subliminal messaging instead.
Journalistic content[edit | edit source]
A pair of rose-tinted spectacles must be worn to read articles in the Daily Mail, which are tinged with aggressive spittle and less-than-mild racist sentiments. Typically, the newspaper describes how everything was great in the 1950s before the Islamic Conquest and the introduction of drugs, fat women and brown people made daily life intolerable for the conservative middle-class mums that inhabit these sceptred isles. Otherwise, the Daily Mail goes about enforcing British pride twofold: firstly by enthusing about the Royal Family, Margaret Thatcher and young celebrities turning sixteen, and secondly, by viciously condemning anything remotely non-British, which paradoxically involves British people who are on benefits and British people who express liberal views.
The Mail's journalism is of dubious quality, often being composed entirely of fabricated stories of small bits of truth taken out of context so it looks like it was all the European Union's fault. This lack of actual news is supplemented comfortably by an excess of scapegoating which is meant to satisfy the ignorant reader: Daily Mail editors are said to picture themselves as holding a carrot in front of rabid, not-remotely-independently-thinking dogs, except the carrot is usually a teenage mother or a Pakistani. The Daily Mail's readers, being unable to take the newspaper's content with a grain of salt, fall for the paranoia-infested shit they read, hence furthering the Mail's plans for world domination.
Typical headlines[edit | edit source]
| GUARDIAN-READING FEMINIST GYPSIES CONTINUE REIGN OF TERROR |
| SHOCKING VIDEO GAME IS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD, ALSO CAUSES CANCER |
| ASYLUM SEEKING HOMOSEXUALS SWIMMING UP RIVER THAMES TO INFILTRATE PARLIAMENT AND SEND HOUSE PRICES CRASHING |
Editorial stance[edit | edit source]
Historically, the Daily Mail has typically exhibited a right-wing stance on both society and politics. During the 1930s and 1940s the newspaper openly supported the Blackshirts and Nazis, before realising that the former were excessively moderate and the latter were foreigners attempting to illegally enter Britain. Nowadays, the paper's inherently racist outlook is manifested in its strong support for the Conservative party[1], as well as its enforcement of traditionalist views: the paper is currently campaigning against internet pornography, and has in the past made arguments against drug use, offensive comedy, tolerance of immigration, abortion of heterosexual foetuses, refusal to fund concentration camps for people with AIDS, and allowing pesky foreigners to inhale British air without being put on a register of some sort.
Despite this, the Mail has also made a point of its "Pretend to Oppose Authoritarian Government Policies" policy in order to further the scope of its finger-pointing. However, in 2009 the Mail began a review of this policy as Conservative victory at the next election looked increasingly likely. Since May 2010, when a Conservative oligarchy was reinstated, it has continually pissed itself in delight applauding Authoritarian Government Policies[2], no matter how oppressive, as long as the Tories are fulfilling the Mail's wet dream of total white British control of society.
Other content[edit | edit source]
The Daily Mail's lack of trustworthy news is complemented by a variety of promotional gimmicks and features designed to attract people from as many backgrounds as possible, unless they're black. Tabloidesque observation and analysis of celebrities[3] is commonly found in the pages of the Daily Mail. Unlike other tabloids, the Mail assumes that readers are familiar with all of their right-wing comrades, and often runs stories cooing over the monarchy, also printing full-colour pictures of David Cameron's lovely children (but not that dead disabled one).
Many of the features of the Daily Mail have drawn the attention of people who otherwise read better papers. Horoscopes are prevalent in the Mail[4] and a weekly pull-out feature offers various brain teasers and a selection of comics, while at least once a week, the paper reports on a health fad or some medical scaremongering they pulled out of their anal passage, the fact that these stories frequently contradict the ones they published last week being entirely beside the point -- clinical studies have shown that neither of their readers' attention spans last that long, anyway. The Mail often makes bold claims about cancer, or rather, what can cause and prevent it, having previously asserted the following:
- Cancer is caused by
- Reading the Guardian
- Being tall at fourteen
- Cloudy apple juice
- Prince Philip
- Energy saving light bulbs
- Cancer is prevented by
- Cloudy apple juice
- Broccoli but not cauliflower
- The "energy" from crystals
- Breast milk, but only if Richard Littlejohn has written a column about the breasts in question
- Kicking immigrants out of our sanctuary of Aryanism and beating them with flaming copies of The Independent
Profit[edit | edit source]
The Daily Mail has turned out to be a surprisingly profitable business model, despite a long-standing ban on hate speech in the British media. The Daily Mail uses its funds primarily to expand its own ventures. For example, the Mail has recently launched the Mail Online website, a massively successful attempt to create easier access to the paper's content, and following the success of an Irish edition of the newspaper, 2004 saw the promise of a new Polish supplement to the Daily Mail. This never materialised, as the money drawn up was spent on materials with which the English Defence League could build car bombs, the Mail claiming this was the original intention.
Beyond this, the Mail uses its profit to fund otherwise independent projects it deems beneficial and worthy of funding. The Conservative Party received "significant" gifts from the Daily Mail in 2012, although a source commented that they were not in monetary form, and thanks to the Mail's involvement, a Hebrew language version of the book Mein Kampf was recently completed and published.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ This is often the case with the rest of the Tory party's supporters, as it happens.
- ↑ Except, of course, if the government suggest anything that affects Middle England, which has nothing to answer for and which the Daily Mail would die for before the Green Belt is covered in the piss of Polish immigrants...
- ↑ The Mail's coverage of Liv Tyler's shopping habits occasionally veers beyond observation into perverse addiction, but the Mail defends itself by running multiple stories about the inhumanity of the paparazzi who killed Diana every week.
- ↑ Ahem...
