LINUX

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“Fsck you!!”

~ Linus Torvalds on other operating systems

“I pity the foo' who doesn't disable "ca:12345:ctrlaltdel:/sbin/shutdown -t1 -a -r now"”

~ Mr. T on /etc/inittab

“To say that you run Linux® on your machine is pretty much like saying you are in Lancelot's home when you sit at the Round Table”

~ Richard M. Stallman on Linux®

“I worked very hard on creating a name that would appeal to the majority of people, and it certainly paid off: thousands of people are using Linus ...er, Linux® just to be able to say 'Windows? Hah. I've got Linus!' Uhm, Linux®.”

~ Linus Torvalds on Linus Linux®


Inexplicably, Linux® has stubbornly stuck with this piss poor Penguin mascot. Some critics suggest it is a thinly veiled tribute to a not-so-thin creator.

Linux® (Linux® Is Not UniX), more commonly known as DorkWare for Dweebs, is an operating system used mainly for cracking into animal hospitals and online banking sites by 12-year-old social misfits desperate to appear 1337 in front of other 12 year old social misfits. It is free as in free beer, and is the only operating system which allows one to engage in OS wars with people who use the same operating system, a feature which has revolutionized Slashdot.

It was created entirely by one amazing man, Linus Torvalds, and if you don't believe that, just ask him. He'll tell you. But only if you address him as "My Lord" or "Your Worship". And, do not make the mistake of mentioning SCO; he will kill you and bury you inside the kernel (that's what makes it so bloated).

Creation[edit]

The average Linux® user.

After his expulsion from the University of Smelstinki and before his acceptance into Harvard Clown College in Princeton, New Jersey, Linus began an effort to improve his breeding potential the wellbeing of all humankind. Given his deity status, full social calendar, and lack of free time, he decided to simply evaluate the code of some existing operating systems. He reasoned that it would be simpler to determine the straightest route to ultimate perfection by seeing just how twisted and lost the old generation of programmers really were.

To that end, he studied then dismissed the product of one of his own professors, MINUX (Minux Is Not UniX), and the illegally obtained source code of SCO Pong™. Then, between stifled guffaws of laughter, he typed what was to become the most amazingly stupendously colossally revolutionary piece of software ever created by a single individual with absolutely no help from anyone else, ever.

Creator[edit]

It is widely known that Linux® propagates doubleplusungood communistic ideals of "freedom" and "general use".

Linus® Torvalds™, the one and only creator of Linux® is often described as a notoriously obnoxious and malodorous individual. Morbidly obese and maniacally egotistical, he is pre-booked to be in tow for a future NASA© shuttle launch mission as his combined physical and mental prescience is in danger of outgrowing what can reasonably be contained on Earth—even outdoors—leaving outer space as the only option. For additional information about Linus, a more complete a less complete an alternate account of his life was published in a recent unauthorized biography (freely available under the GNU GPL).

Kernel[edit]

Linux® uses a monolithic kernel, meaning everything (probably) runs slightly slower than had it used a microkernel. However, advocates claim using a microkernel wouldn't work, suggesting Linux® is so compact it would actually have a negative size, which has been known to cause rips in the space-time continuum. Richard Stallman stepped in at the last minute, warning that the destruction of the universe, which would inevitably follow this, would in fact result in freedom for all. Critics have countered that Stallman's own girth is of sufficient width to plug any such tear in space and time, and would in fact be a better use for him than is true at the present time.

Software Features[edit]

Rejected Linux® logo
  • It isn't Windows, so it increases 1337ness exponentially.
  • It has an impressive graphical interface far superior to MS-DOS.
  • Linux® runs on everything. On an abacus. On a dead badger. Even on Windows (though why you'd want to...).
  • Provocative program names like "touch", "unzip", "finger", "mount", "fsck", "more", "eject", "unmount", "zip", and "sleep".
  • It isn't Windows.
  • You can run Linux® on it.
  • Lets you use any program, free of charge—except ones that might actually be worth paying for.
  • There are no viruses threatening Linux® (except H5N1 avian influenza).
  • When programming with Linux®, there's not just 0 and 1 (binary). Linux® enables the use of 2 (ternary). And, rumour has it there's even a 3 in development.
  • It isn't Windows.
  • Installing programs has been made much easier on Linux®, with standalone software only taking a scant twenty two hours to compile (this includes a whole host of dependency files adding even more useful functionality). And, unlike Windows software, Linux® software can be fully configured to every user's specific taste in just mere months.
  • That f**ing paperclip is replaced with a cute penguin.
  • It isn't Windows.

Hardware Requirements[edit]

A screenshot of GNU/Linux® in use, with the GNU/X-Windows GNU/Ubuntu desktop.

Linux® can be installed on a wide range of hardware. The partial list of compatible hardware includes:

  • The server which hosts Illogicopedia (w00t!)
  • A 486DX/33 with 4MB RAM and a 3.5" floppy drive
  • All 3rd generation Euroipods
  • A dead badger
  • All Blendtec blenders
  • Princes Tuna Steak in Sunflower Oil
  • Sinclair ZX Spectrum
  • Nintendo® 64
  • Speak and Spell
  • Billy Bass singing fish
  • Late-model slide rules
  • The Walita XB202 four-slice toaster (though NetBSD is a better choice)
  • The automatic portrait maker machine found in McDonalds, Park Royal. (If you live anywhere near there - just go in and turn it on and off then look at the screen outside.)

Gaming[edit]

Linux® is one of the greatest gaming platforms ever invented, with literally dozens of titles to choose from. Here's a short listing of just some of the best:

Rotating Gears, a game which comes preinstalled with Linux®. It is considered to be the best open-source game ever created, next to Russian Roulette.
Another hit, the Process Murderer. Best played as root.
  • Extreme Man Page reading
  • Mega Nmap Death Ping
  • GCC 4.3
  • cat /dev/urandom > /dev/dsp (NOTE: This works best with the volume turned all the way up).
  • Nano vs. Pico Flame War
  • Vim vs. Emacs Flame War
  • KDE vs. GNOME Flame War
  • X vs. CLI Flame War
  • Segmentation fault puzzle
  • Core Dump Bros.
  • ./configure && make && make install
  • Kernel Panic
  • Circular Dependency Madness
  • Firefox
  • sudo nano /etc/X11/xorg.conf
  • while true; do eject -T; done
  • telinit 0
  • init 6
  • dd if=/dev/zero of=/dev/hda bs=4096
  • sudo rm /lib/libc.*
  • yes "ls /usr/bin >> ~/.nothing" | /bin/sh
  • mount -o remount,ro /dev/hda1 /
  • chmod -R 777 /
  • chmod -R 000 /
  •  :() { :|: };:

But wait, there's more!

RTFM rm -rf[edit]

To try this hidden Easter Egg bonus game, try this in your terminal:

~$ cd /
/$ su -
/# rm -rf *

Make Install[edit]

Check out the tense action in this screen shot:

ubergamer@comp:~$ make install
Cannot find file please install file.
ubergamer@comp:~$ sudo apt-get install file
ubergamer@comp:~$ make install
Cannot find other file please install other file.
ubergamer@comp:~$ sudo apt-get install other file
ubergamer@comp:~$ make install
Cannot find other other file please install.
ubergamer@comp:~$ ...
bash: ...: command not found
ubergamer@comp:~$ kolf

Criticism[edit]

Critics argue that since Linux® is an open-source program, it is unstable and useless for any mission-critical activities. This has been largely proven in recent studies by wholly objective reviewers not paid off by Microsoft in any disclosed way.

Linux® has also been criticized by animal rights activists, because each Linux® machine needs a real living penguin within the machine's case (for cooling reasons). If the Linux® adoption upswing continues, the activists fear all members of the penguin species might be eradicated by 2009.

Fun Facts[edit]

Pimp Your Linux® homies.
  • Linux® is free, as long as your time has no value.
  • The more you know about Linux® the less likely girls are to talk to you.
  • The more you know about Linux® the less girls will want to know about you.
  • To cater to the large audience of harem-keepers, Linux® developer hope to come out with the EUNUCHS operating system some time in the near future.
  • The Linux® scheduler as of 2.6.23 is really fair, but not really, really fair. However, a really, really fair scheduler is currently in development.

See also[edit]