Something Stupid This Way Cometh
Made in November of 2003, Something Stupid This Way Cometh was a traditional family board game by Hilton Dudley. It featured eight small characters that would move across the board to find stupid things, do stupid things, and generally be stupid.
You are one of eight characters, Timmy, Tyler, Tommy, Trevor, Theodore, Tailor, Toby, and Jack. Each have their own personal backgrounds, but all of them have come to the exact same point: the Stupid Quest. All of these morons have to pass the stupid challenges in order to survive. They go in a series of places across the board, where stupid people await them with stupid challenges. Some will make it, others will not, and the ones who do will win in the stupidest fashion. The grand prize winner receives a hardy smack in the head with a sledge hammer so that they can become even stupider than they already are. When this happens, they become so proud of themselves, but they are so stupid that they usually get shipped off to a mental hospital.
- Timmy: Timmy has probably the most happy history of all the characters. Before being forced into the realms of the game, Timmy was a jolly child who spent every day of his life doing fun and enjoyable things. He liked to play jump rope, hop scotch, baseball, and anything else that is fun, besides ping pong because he got his eye hit once. However, one day he decided to go on a happy walk to some place happy, and instead ended up in the game.
- Tyler: Tyler was once a daring and exciting man, until he lost all of his limbs. He lost them in an accident with a lawnmower and several machetes. However, since then he had his arms replaced with lead appendages, therefore lowering his IQ rapidly. He came following an ice cream truck.
- Tommy: Tommy was warped from a different galaxy.
- Trevor: Trevor was an outcast in his society, mainly because he smelled really bad. He was also dumb, resulting in several years of the fifth grade. He saw an advertisement for the game, and decided to enter as a contestant. He won.
- Theodore: Teddy was a normal child. He enjoyed summer, hated school, and did everything regular, until he discovered Uncyclopedia. Then his brains began to rot, and he became stupid. He was submitted by his parents to be part of the game.
- Tailor: Tailor was a homeless child, an urchin essentially. He grew up with the same people as Oliver Twist, and was an excellent pick pocketer. However, he was too stupid for the rest of the group, and booted out.
- Toby: Toby was Hillbilly.
- Jack: Jack was a 4.0 College student with a Ph.D.
- The Cometh Guy: The Cometh Guy is like the weird bald guy of Monopoly for Something Stupid This Way Cometh. He has a mustache, but in this game he has no intelligence. As dumb as the contestants themselves, the Cometh Guy runs around giving people obscure things like ducks, TNT, and applesauce. His favorite phrase is "When you're too smart to think, Go down the hall and give the toilet a good flush." When he is not in the game, he is strapped up in a straitjacket, for safety purposes.
Object & Gampelay
The object of the game is to be the most stoopid player. You are given many difficult things, and you are supposed to handle these things, whether they be objects, challenges, or ideas, in the most stupid manner humanly possible. The top player becomes the stupidest the quickest. There are many ways you can lose general knowledge, such as head beatings, lead exposure and blunt IQ loss. The players travel around the board looking for ways to lose their smartness. The most stupid person at the end gains the title of "World's Bigger Dumbest Retardo Head number Too".
You can win the game with many techniques. The most common technique is lowering of your own IQ. This can achieved in many ways, however, the most common is physical blows to the head. Pounding the head with a mallet, jack hammer and brick are the quickest ways to lose intelligence and sometimes even consciousness. Also, many successful players have intentionally exposed themselves to lead to lower their IQ at a higher rate. Some players pay extra cash to get surgery that removes vital parts of their brain and disposes of them. This drives them into a braindead state and costs a fortune, but almost ensures victory.
Another way to win is to increase the knowledge of your opponents. Players can achieve this by forcing their opponents to go to school and smashing their faces into dictionaries. Doing this increases the knowledge of opponents, therefore lowering their stupidity levels and chances to win. However, several players use this tactic, so you must whack your head constantly to at least keep some sort of increase in stupidity.
The easiest way to win is by cheating, or by playing by yourself, though.
To use these techniques, you roll dice to move across the board. Depending on the space you land on, you can gain or lose certain things. Places such as "Free Stupidity" give you free IQ reductions. Also, squares like Nonsense Drive give you things like hammers to whack yourself with. Every time you pass "Illogical Beginnings", you automatically lose two IQ. However, some squares force you to read books or increase your IQ. Squares like "dunce" can either have positive effects or negative effects on your mental status, depending on what kind of card you draw. The game sort of follows a Monopoly feel, but it is completely different in every aspect. People said it seems like Monopoly because, in reality, the game board is a Monopoly board with pieces of paper glued over the old Monopoly names with names for Something Stupid This Way Cometh.
Since the players of the game are so stupid, the game makers were able to get by with some fatal flaws:
- The box advertises challenges given by stupid people, but there are none.
- It is played on a Monopoly board with pieces of paper glued on over the old names.
- There is no price on the box, allowing people to just take it from the stores paying however much they wanted.
- The name on the boxes is spelled "Sumthing Stupid This Waye Cometh".
- The box doesn't have any equipment for the game in it.
Promotion and Reception
Something Stupid This Way Cometh was advertised with catchy phrases such as "For kids who don't feel like being smart" and "Hate school? This game is for you!" and "Beat yourself with a mallet. You know you want to!". Also, George W Bush was paid to do several commercials supporting the game. Advertisers found this appropriate because Bush himself was an idiot and a perfect model of what the game makes you end up like. This convinced many people to buy it because they believed playing the game could allow you to become the president of the United States. They were wrong.
However, despite exciting advertisements and great sales, the game didn't have great reviews. Many critics gave it 1/10 possible points, as well as comments like "Wait, people actually want to play this?" and "If you want your child to succeed and pay for your retirement, do not buy them this game." After these critics made these statements, sales plummeted and the business went completely bankrupt. However, before the filed for bankruptcy, they released to other games, including Pork in the Attic and Washing Bibs.
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