War: Fight Because of... I forget
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Warning: this article contains exactly 24 offensive words in it so reader's discretion is advised. But read it anyway.
Forward[edit | edit source]
The War. I forget which one. I'm very forgetful as you can tell with that remark and the title. It was between... uh... the... um... how about I make something up... the Yaggis and the Yoogos. The... uh... Yaggis were the good guys... ish... I don't know.
The War[edit | edit source]
- Commander Lewis: We are soldiers! And we are meant to fight!
- Army: Huzzah!
- Commander Lewis: So let's go out there and show those Yoogos who's boss!
Late at the privates' camp. Around a camp fire
- Private Meyers: Do you really think it's worth it?
- Private McMarshall: Duh. Have you played Call of Duty? This is gonna be fuckin' sick!
- Private Meyers: I don't know....
- Private Worth: Ha! Pussy!
- Private Meyers: I'm not a pussy. I just don't want to risk my life for something I know nothing about.
- Private Worth: So what? You're just nervous.
The next day at the battlefield which was conveniently a playground
- Commander Lewis: Down! Men! Down!
- Corporal Palmer: Shit! I'm shot!
- Medic Daniels: Don't worry I'll fix you up. Take this; it's called a Band-Aid. It should help.
- Private Meyers: Is this like Call of Duty?
- Private McMarshall: Fuck no. In Call of Duty you have to capture a flag or something. This is shit. I've gotta say something.
- Private Meyers: McMarshall! Don't walk into the middle of the battlefield.
- Private McMarshall: I propose we make this some sort of objective. You know? Set up some flags or.. Ow! That was my pelvis.
- Private Meyers: Fuck! Get down McMarshall you shit!
On the Yoogos side...
- Private Sloslavika: Boom! Headshot!
Back to the Yaggis
- Private Meyers: Fuck! He got headshotted.
- Private Worth: Damn, man, that sniper guy is gonna have fuckin' red tiger by the time this fight it over!
- Private Meyers: You fucking imbecile! This is not fucking Call of Duty! This is real life!
- Private Worth: I wonder if we could make this war a game of Sabotage.
- Private Meyers: Fuck it. I'm leaving. This is god damn bullshit.
- Private Worth: Don't leave now! You'll miss out on the bonus experience!
Private Meyers goes back to camp
- Lieutenant Patrick: Soldier! Why are you at base camp?
- Private Meyers: Because all of the privates think that the war is Call of Duty.
- Lieutenant Patrick: It isn't?
- Private Meyers: Mother fucking god dammit! This is bullshit! I signed up to the army to fight! Not to hear shit about a fucking videogame!
- Lieutenant Patrick: What is that? They're not playing Domination like I told them to! They're playing what? They're playing fucking Search and Destroy!
- Private Meyers: Fuck this.
Private Meyers "takes the easy way out"
Afterword[edit | edit source]
Wait! That wasn't it! Shit. The one I was thinking of was the War of 1812... Nevermind. I guess I need a new career.
Wars of Teh Universe
