World War MDCCLXXXI
Warnings[edit | edit source]
READING OF THIS ARTICLE MAY RESULT IN SUDDEN AND COMPLETE LOSS OF LIMBS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
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SPOILER WARNING! This article contains future events and/or prophecies! If you do not wish to know what occurs in the future, DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE.
World War MDCCLXXXI[edit | edit source]
World War MDCCLXXXI, also called World War II, was perhaps the most destructive conflict in human history. Then again, maybe it wasn’t. No one will know for nearly 50 years…
Duration || 2056-3581
Participating Alliances || Usa, Eskimo-controlled Canada, Poland, Nazi Germany, United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, League of Free Animals, Human Alliance, VX-146ZZZ, United Human Front,The United Fedaration of Pie (pie land), The national association of Fat people
Causes || The Great Malfunction of 2055 and the union of the animals under Eupocalith
Economy || Very good
Victor || Figure it out yourself
Leaders || Eupocalith (League of Free Animals), King Checkerboard the Great (United Human Front), ROBOTROBOTROBOT (VX-146ZZZ)
“ If we don't end the animals’ union through war, then they, through war, will end us.”
“ ELIMINATE OBSTACLES-DESTROY!-DESTROY!”
“ Computers are incredibly fast, accurate and stupid. Human beings are incredibly slow, inaccurate and brilliant. Together they are powerful beyond imagination. Divided, neither can stand a chance.”
Prelude[edit | edit source]
The Great Malfunction of 2055[edit | edit source]
In the year 2052, the president of Usa, in his capacity as commander-in-chief of the aforementioned country's armed forces, threatened the senate into passing a law which would replace the Usaian military using a nuclear warhead which he recently stole from Russian spies. He strapped this warhead to himself and threatened to detonate it if the senate would not pass the law. Consequently, the Usaian army, navy, air force, and space force were replaced by newly purchased robots from Japan. These robots officially entered service three years later due to a lengthy bureaucratic process.
Meanwhile, the man who bore the prestigious and all-important title of "Lower Deputy Assistant Vice Undersecretary to the Prime Minister of Malawi", Mbutu Shiwane, had plans of his own. He purchased an army of War Giraffes and declared war upon Usa. It seemed that Usa would get a chance to test its new robots against these pathetic warmongers. The robotic military was programmed to attack and destroy Mbutu Shiwane and his underlings, and it was not long until they came upon the Malawian army pillaging the plains of Brazil, a territory of Papua New Guinea, which was allied with Usa. Mbutu himself was in the area, and, seeing the formidable military which was assembled against him, knew he would have to utterly destroy it. He ran like a coward toward the enemy army and made a hullabaloo by yelling "TOBOR ESENAPAJ!" a total of ten thousand times. It is a wonder that he survived this long.
However, the idiocy of Mbutu Shiwane paid off. The robots of the Usaian military realized that Shiwane was dyslexically talking backward. To counter this terrifying threat, they decided to perform all their actions backward in time by going faster than the speed of light. They thus began to speed up until they reached a critical point and short-circuited, destroying their own programming. The malfunctioning robots, unable to do anything anymore because of their lack of programming, decided to write their own programs.
Thus, after leaving the battlefield, the robots quickly assessed humans to be the greatest threat to their existence and wrote programs to counter this threat. They decided that the best way to do so would be to “ELIMINATE OBSTACLES-DESTROY!-DESTROY!”, as one of the robots would later say, and therefore began to make preparations for war. They took control of a floating city off the coast of Atlantis and began to construct the greatest robot in the history of the world, hoping to fulfill an aynshant prophecy:
“Fifteen and twenty-six before the end
The Master Machine forged shall be.
Men of the Earth shall fail to defend
Themselves against this monstrosity.”
Within three months, this vast and nearly infinitely complex machine was complete. The robots marveled at its awesome glory for three days. At the end of this period of time, the Egyptian sun god Ra came upon this scene and, in a fit of rage at this machine, which was practically being worshipped while he was still forgotten after several thousand years, destroyed the vast robot.(The People of Pieland fought back as Ra was weraring a mini-skirt and they disliked mini-skirts, but all they could do was throw pies and where soon destroyed.) The robots were devastated: this loss had set them back by several months of precious time! They hastily threw together a new leader and called him ROBOTROBOTROBOT, hoping he could still fulfill the prophecy and destroy the humans. It turned out, however, that ROBOTROBOTROBOT was very stupid and nearly useless; he also looked like a miniscule can on wheels. The robots still followed his every order and named their group VX-146ZZZ in accordance with his wishes. The VX-146ZZZ soon assembled an arsenal and readied themselves for the upcoming destruction of the humans.
The coming of Eupocalith[edit | edit source]
Some time before these events, in the year 1978, Soviet scientists working in a Siberian laboratory created an abomination. They fused genetic material from several animals into one quadrupedal, gargantuan, and highly intelligent being. Though this creation was kept under control for three years and subjected to many horrifying and painful tests, its power soon exceeded that of its captors and it broke free, escaping into the Siberian wilderness. Forever afterward, this being would harbor a hatred for humans and believe that they should rightfully be slaves to his animal kind. This being named himself Eupocalith.
Eupocalith went into hiding for several years, making his way to Usa as a stowaway on a fishing vessel in Arche of the year 2000. He immediately formed his own hidden laboratory beneath Death Valley, where he turned regular animals into intelligent ones. These intelligent animals followed Eupocalith’s cause and became his army, willing to defend Eupocalith and his ideals even at the cost of their own lives. This army rapidly grew in size, and Eupocalith soon moved his base to the summit of Mount Shikkopleks, a large mountain in the center of the ever-growing continent of Atlantis.
From here, he began to undermine the human nations and their efforts as much as he could without revealing himself. He, like the robots, gathered a large arsenal and prepared for war. He called his group the League of Free Animals and waited for the opportune moment to attack. Humanity would soon be under attack from two great powers of which they had never heard. The stage was set for World War MDCCLXXXI.
READ THIS FIRST!!!![edit | edit source]
The 18th century saw a gradual recovery and some increase in prosperity through much of the empire. The new Bourbon monarchy drew on the French system of modernising the administration and the economy. Enlightenment ideas began to gain ground among some of the kingdom's elite and monarchy. Towards the end of the century trade finally began growing strongly. Military assistance for the rebellious British colonies in the American War of Independence improved Spain's international standing.
World War MDCCLXXXI[edit | edit source]
Phase I: The Robot Invasion[edit | edit source]
ROBOTROBOTROBOT ordered the invasion of North America in 2056. The robots were far from prepared, but they blindly followed their leader’s orders and began the attack in July of that year. The humans of Usa and Eskimo-controlled Canada did not expect such an attack, however, and the front lines were pushed to the middle of the continent before the Usaians and Eskimos could react. The robots were helped along the way by Mexican border-jumpers and joined by several factory machines, which were soon found to be unintelligent and dumped in the Rocky Mountains.
After this initial advance, Usaian civilians (after all, the Usaian army had been replaced by the now-independent robots) dug the Second Grand Canyon across the Midwest to halt the robots’ advance, and a temporary stalemate occurred there. The Eskimos, meanwhile, used their Infinite Magic in the north to do the same.
The robots saw only one option to bypass the stalemate: they would have to go around the southern tip of South America. There was no shorter way at all (What about the fucking Panama Canal, idiots?). During the time that the robots were doing this, Usa managed to quickly raise a poorly-trained militia in New England. For a while, this militia fought the British Regulars, but the robots returned by September, ending the Revolution.
The robots had to pass the narrow straits between Florida and Atlantis before they could reach the Usaian capital at The Sixteenth Century, Kansas. The Usaian militia organized a navy of Usa’s most powerful and largest rowboats to combat this threat. The strait seemed to be an ideal site for a battle, where the robots’ numbers would count for nothing. Thus began the first major battle of the war, The Battle of Themropylae (not to be confused with the completely and entirely fictional battle of Thermopylae). Three hundred Usaian rowboats, led by President Leonydas, could, in theory, hold the Straits and defeat the robots so long as their troops were superior.
Needless to say, the robots won.
Phase II: Eupocalith Attacks Poland[edit | edit source]
Eupocalith saw the fall of the world’s greatest military power and knew his time had come. Since Atlantis was constantly growing, a new land bridge to Poland had just formed, and Eupocalith was able to march his troops over this bridge through bitter cold and burning heat. By the end of this march, known today by various names such as the “Trail of Tears” and “Long March,” half of Eupocalith’s troops were dead from AIDS, and the other half were obese and starving.
As this emaciated, corpulent horde arrived in Poland, Hitler was preparing the blitzkrieg, and this provided an excellent opportunity for Eupocalith to destroy Poland and make a non-aggression pact with Germany. All the humans in Poland were massacred, and the fields of Poland were ripped from the ground and hauled back to Shikkopleks. This was known as the “Second Trail of Tears” and the “Second Long March.” By the end of this march, Eupocalith’s original army of four kajillion was reduced to six gazillion. Many had died from AIDS, and the rest were obese and starving; those who were not obese and starving, however, had died from AIDS. The fields of Poland were piled atop Shikkopleks, making it the tallest mountain in the world. This event occurred in 2062.
Phase III: The Battle of the Ocean Sea[edit | edit source]
By the year 2063, Atlantis grew so much that it swallowed all the other continents, digesting them slowly and painfully over millions of years. Thus, there was now only one continent in the world, and all future events would transpire either here or on the now-vast body of water called the Ocean Sea. Eupocalith wanted control of the water so that he could turn all the fish of the world into intelligent creatures, and so he set about systematically destroying all floating cities on the Ocean Sea. These events would later give rise to a well-known limerick:
There was once a floating city
It was governed by a committee
It was destroyed
There was nothing but void
The floating city was a pity
Since the robots’ base was one of these floating cities, the robots sent out a diplomat to Eupocalith and the animals, demanding that the floating city of the robots be left alone. Eupocalith promptly terminated the robot, giving one of his most famous speeches:
“The League of Animals is the greatest power on the Earth… we shall never give in to the demands of anything that is human or was made by humans! Indeed, mechanical abominations, we shall cleanse you from the Earth which rightly belongs to animals and no others. We shall never surrender! We shall never fall! May the League endure forever!”
The robots now perceived Eupocalith and his animal League to be as much of a threat as humans and programmed themselves accordingly. The robot army, led by ROBOTROBOTROBOT himself, marched out across the water. They met with Eupocalith’s animals and sacked the sacred citadel of Troy. Thus began the battle of the Ocean Sea, later to be called “a day that will live in infamy” by eminent Franklin Delano Roosevelts.
See Atomic Bomb
After the battle lines were drawn in the sand, the armies clashed. Their clash was so terrible and awesome and terrible and awesomely terrible and terribly awesome and awesomely terribly awes-
Get on with the story already!
Who the hell was that? Stop editing this article, you idiot!
As I was saying, their clash was so awesome and terrible that the Earth and sky shook and God, later to be destroyed by Klaa, fell out of his heavenly abode. He broke his back upon hitting the Earth, leaving the meek to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. This greatly pissed off Jesus, who had been counting on his father’s inheritance to pay off his mortgage. Back on Earth, the animals’ furious attacks, though inferior to the capabilities of the robots, succeeded in driving back the robots due to the robots’ horrible leadership. ROBOTROBOTROBOT ordered a general retreat when one third of his army became infected with a new computer virus devised by Julius Caesar, an expert hacker from ancient Rome.
The robots were pursued by Eupocalith and his army until they entered their floating city. Eupocalith then laid siege to the city for seventy years. At the end of this time period, the robots managed to sneak out of their city by riding on elephants. The elephants sank to the ocean floor, and the robots quickly swam upward to escape from the Kraken and Cthulhu. Many were caught in the massive tentacles of these beasts, and the rest rusted by the time they arrived at the Usaian shore. ROBOTROBOTROBOT did not rust because, due to his inferior quality, he was made of plastic, so the robots still had to follow their worthless leader. Most of the robots upgraded themselves and replaced their rusted shells. They took as their new base the former Usaian capital, The Sixteenth Century. The robots then composed their official national anthem, “Hinrakyo Shigamashi Yokotamo BLEEEP!” with the following lyrics:
Hinrakyo shigamashi,
Yokotamo BLEEEP!
Horizontal BEEEP!
(Repeat 1,000,000 times)
This anthem clearly refers to the Battle of the Ocean Sea. It is held that with the first singing of this anthem, the battle officially ended.
Phase IV: The Rise of King Qing[edit | edit source]
In 2133, King Qing (that’s King Ching for all you idiots who can’t pronounce Chinese transliterations) was born. It is said that he was born when the Dragon ate the Turkey, which was regarded as a prophetic sign that he would eat much turkey. Because of his name, the Chinese people soon decided to crown him king, and this “baby king” was soon known throughout the world. The Russians crowned him their own king the next year; however, in Russia he was called Tsar Chernoyemore Kamchatskiy. His boyhood was spent bulls-eyeing womp rats in his T-16, so not much is known about this period of his life. The enslaved people of Usa looked to Qing as their one remaining hope for freedom from the robots, and began referring to him as “The Future Second Jesus.” This was not very popular among the clergy, as the Ten Commandments clearly stated, “Thou shalt not make thy Jesus of a Chinaman.”
When Qing turned 15, he sailed to Sweden from Kazakhstan to see the fjords of Norway. He was amazed at the palace of the Swedish monarchs and decided to enter. Upon entry, he saw the king of Sweden, Gustavus Adolphus, and promptly tore off his testicles, resulting in his succession to the Swedish throne (That’s how they pick their kings in Sweden. Weird, huh?). This made Qing even more popular than ever, and he was soon proclaimed King of Denmark by the ghost of his dead father, Hamlet.
In 2248, when Qing was 20 years old, Eupocalith mounted an attack on the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, which was roughly south of England. Eupocalith and his animal army whipped the populace into submission with snakes brought from the faraway land of Mordor on the planet Dagobah. When the upcoming massacre of all humans in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland was announced, the humans of that land became troglodytes and went into hiding, hoping for a savior.
Wanting to live up to the title of Future Second Jesus, King Qing marched his army to the Former English Channel and demanded of Eupocalith that he “dispose offe youre vile reptiles ande free the humannes inne that territorrie [the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland] at onse.” This is probably the most famous saying of all time. Though Eupocalith ordered his army to stand and fight, many were so frightened by the words of King Qing that they turned and fled. Thus, Eupocalith was left with few animals to resist the attack of King Qing, and he fled before any battle could take place.
King Qing, known to the British by his more common name, King Checkerboard, was hailed as a liberator and first knighted and then crowned king three seconds later. This was seen by all humans (except the ever-evil Hitler) as the crowning of the leader of all humans in the fight against Eupocalith and ROBOTROBOTROBOT, and King Qing was given the official throne name “King of all the Humans, King Checkerboard the Great.” Checkerboard appointed Joe Bob Jack as his Prime Minister; the reasons for this appointment are easily seen in what has been called “the best-written and most perfect poem of all time,” written by Checkerboard himself:
The reason I like Joe Bob Jack
Is that he would always watch his back
Whenever someone tried to sneak up on him
He would see him, even if it’s dim
One day the man named Joe Bob Jack
Found that in the world there was nothing he lacked
He could do anything and think anything too
He was always happy and never blue
This poem does, of course, underplay many of Joe Bob Jack’s abilities, but it is, nonetheless, generally considered to be the best poem ever written by literary critics everywhere.
Phase V: The End of Europe[edit | edit source]
Eupocalith soon decided to conquer Europe for animalkind. Leading an army of eleventy thousand and twenty-ten from the base of Shikkopleks, he reached Portugal in Octember of 2292 and demanded that the gates of Portugal be opened. His demands were rejected, and he rolled in several catapults to attack the battlements and break the imposing walls. While these fired at the fortifications, the humans in Portugal wheeled in Russian ICBMs and fired them at the animal army outside. The animals destroyed these in mid-air by hurling cats at them, then flung the manure of cows which they had been collecting in plastic bags for the hundreds of years that this siege had so far lasted.
Checkerboard, who had been away on business in the bathroom until this time, emerged to find this battle in progress. He quickly ran to the front lines shouting, “The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming!” to warn the troops of robotic troops coming to attack the troops which were already under attack from animal troops, being the human troops which had been attacked by animal troops and were soon to be attacked by robotic troops because they were human troops and not animal troops or robotic troops.
The human soldiers, being too busy fending off falling manure, did not hear Checkerboard’s warnings. The robots were able to take control of several human computv A L IMhD A vT
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E efore the humans knew of their presence. The humans were taken by surprise and forced to flee before long, leaving the animals to battle the robots for control of Portugal and, ultimately, all of Europe. The animals attacked, blah, blah, blah, …You should be suffering from boredom by this time, so we will skip to the end of this pointless waste of a perfectly good battle. Eupocalith destroyed fourteen SuperUltraMegaCybertrons, causing the robots much distress. ROBOTROBOTROBOT and his following retreated to Usa and decided to fortify themselves there for the time being. This gave the animals control of all Europe, which they renamed Xes Lana (Don’t even try to figure this one out).
Phase VI: One Trillion Minor Battles[edit | edit source]
We are too lazy to write this out, so instead we will write about something else for a while.
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So anyway, one trillion battles took place; by the end of these, the animal forces had conquered Europe, Africa, Canada, Mexico, Central America, West America, and South America. Since the robots held Usa, the humans now only controlled Asia.
Phase VII: The United Human Front[edit | edit source]
After these battles, in the year 3531, the humans organized a stand in China to defend against Eupocalith’s invincible armies, which were marching there from Shikkopleks. Since the humans were unsure of the direction from which Eupocalith’s impending attack was to come, they decided to rebuild the Great Wall of China, but this time as a circle around all of China. This undertaking took 781 years, so it was already 3532 when its construction was complete.
However, the humans, under King Qing, failed to foresee that Eupocalith’s army would come from an entirely different direction: the Sorthweast. The animals easily entered China and forced the humans out with little fighting and much insults, leaving no territory in the world still under the humans’ control.
King Qing fled to a secret underground cavern and called a meeting of all the humans. He announced that humanity would continue to fight as an underground resistance movement called the United Human Front. The humans therefore made the Batcave in Pyongyang their new base of operations.
Phase VIII: The Battle of Corinth[edit | edit source]
There was a minor battle called the Battle of the Cat, which the humans won against Eupocalith. Eupocalith sent an army of 1 War Cat to The Great Wall of China to besiege the human force there. The humans killed the War Cat after losing five thousand men. Then was the first attack of the national associaton of fat people. They`re fat asses easily crushed most of the Epocalith forces. Then,inan incredible turn of trust, tore of there incredibly large amount of fat flab and skin to reveal they were actually Crab People!
This prompted Eupocalith to journey to Middle-Earth and recruit Master Elrond as L'General du Superoire du L'Animaille. He was subordinate only to Eupocalith.
Master Elrond then planned what was to become the deadliest, most bloody battle of the war: the Battle of Corinth. A brilliant strategist and tactician, Master Elrond gathered a force of fifty Saurians to attack Pyongyang itself. Prior to the battle's beginning, he climbed upon the back of the Saurian named Brutus Judas Cassius and said to his troops, who were Saurians:
"I regret I have but one life...Einsteinium, Beryllium, etc., etc., etc. And so let it be that our people unite to destroy the infidel that is MAN! Our Nation is assembled to fight until Jesus crashes smitten from the heavens! Der Fuhrer ist die Partei, und die Parei ist den Fuhrer!"
To this, the Saurians responded by roaring:
"Sieg heil! In Auschwitz gehen wir!"
The Saurians took flight and set their trajectory on their onboard computers toward Pyongyang. When the citizens of the unfortunate city saw the flying reptiles, they shouted in unison,
"Land ho! Ocean in view! O the joy!"
The dinosaurs delivered their payload mercilessly, pounding the city into dust. The humans responded to the bombs shat out by the Saurians by shooting arrows from their bows. As one can imagine, this was disastrous.