Internet Wars

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This is a take on an old Uncyclopedia article. Does that count on being sporked??

Artist's impression of what the internet wars where like. The only thing that actually mattered in modern Internet history.

When the Internet reached the height of its international popularity in the summer of 2005, an influx of new users came sprawling in. This was when poor people who where unable to afford pornographic magazines and 13 year-old boys who could not legally buy porn began to notice something. That all the porn sites where slowly being kicked off one-by-one. When users started complaining, that was when the new users heard of the king of the internet. Though older users knew full-well that it was a good thing to have him in charge, there was an outrage by fags who kept vandalising and shutting down servers owned by official companies. There was a rebellion going on against the university snobs, led by young teenagers and the overly credulous.

Those who thought that it'd just be a flash mob, where quickly proven wrong. The intranet servers of the MIT, Yale and many others suffered distributed denial-of-service attacks. When people like Al Gore and Ronald Reagan got involved, that was when "it" began. The large scale Internet Wars broke out between hundreds of thousands of rebellious newfags and the big-guns who had been using the internet since the late 80's, all over Bob Dole's legislating against the trade of erotica and other visual stimuli outside of usenet and file transfer protocol, which the newfags had not realised existed.

Early battles[edit]

It began on August 10th, 2005. After internet service providers such as verizon and talktalk not only dropped their price, but also allowed for .BIN file transfer. This led to crap-loads of young and horny teenagers scouring the net, looking for any pornographic material they could provide, now they where able to display and print-off anything they wanted. When they discovered the hierarchical system of the internet, they where "butthurt" at their prohibition of pornographic binary files.

So, they attacked the servers of hundreds of universities, colleges, workplaces and even governments in an attempt to turn the internet into a rule-less, anarchical place. When the intahnet system was set-up in the best possible time, they had to attempt to defend off the attackers. Several people working at ITT tech. brought together person(s) who where in the "top-tier", in an attempt to combat the problem. With many people attempting to gain the copyright of the intahnet software itself, the top-tier fell apart all together. With the "newfags" now DDoSing and flooding the whole WWW, the former leaders struggled to get back to power as quickly as possible, before their beautiful creation was left to rubble.

Ascension (n00b r0xx0r)[edit]

Main Article: n00b r0xx0r

The whole fate of the internet relied on the oldfags to stop arguing. However, they didn't until late 2006. For over 17 months, the whole internet was in absolute chaos. People tried to get these idiots to stop, but none would listen. The internet was, for a small period of time, nothing but a rule-less, virus-filled, leet-speak only, linguistic-ambiguous porn-distributing stinker that desperately needed some form of law and order.

The internet in 2006; you're probably crying if you know what's going on. This is what happens without the hierarchical system of the internet.

There was some attempt to combat it though. In June 2006, Cyberia restricted .BIN access to usenet and bitnet. A short while later, Comcast dropped binary-step functionality all-together. Some ISPs such as COVAD and BT didn't remove binary access, but charged double the price for it to be displayed. Most notoriously, AT&T and BellSouth required admins to make binary-step a functionality, and a password (the password was XMVOIDHELP and BUSHIDFAC, though it was never mentioned deliberately) to allow the display of JPEGs and GIFs. The last one worked better than expected, with all the kids going "OMG OMG WTF I CANT FIND MAH BINS HOW DO I FIND MAH BINS NIGER NIGGER". You may think this was a dick-move on the customer's behalf, but it was actually a convenience to the serious user, as they knew that anyone over the age of 14 would just fileshare it. Therefore, it was to catch the kids out. Most of the blocks where dropped after late 2006, when it stopped being really bad.

Decline and fail (The LOL_WAR and the pwnzj00 genocide)[edit]

When the top-tier did come back, it was seen as a time of celebration. A group of geeks came together and called themselves the h4Xx0rz. Growing hostility against the newfag resentment caused the faction to come under widespread condemnation was what caused the motivation for the group, who started out as lugnet.groups.haxx as an underground structure. A group who previously operated in the then underground and obscure LUGNET formed, who joined the h4Xx0rz as a subdivision, known as the Intellect. As the internet was riddled with raidfags and sage-bombers, they grouped together in the linux IRC3 logging system known as the "Outernet". A wordfilter was put into place that automatically replaced the word "Internet" with "n00bsnet", which to this very day is a term used by the Sneakernet community.

IRC3 was a complex system that required a password (the password was XMVOIDHELP, in tribute to the admin binary-filter formerly imposed by AT&T) and a registered acount to log in. However, when one of the newfags discovered IRC3 by pure accident, he somehow managed to log in. This was because the security system was half-arsedly built in 30 minutes. IRC3 was invaded by a massive flood of n00bs, all of which where using the "smurf libbing" tactic of quack-attacks. They somehow managed to send 32,429,302,442,402,348,024,234,232,348,034,999,783,237,825,379,000 kilobytes worth of information to the outernet. This impressive feat cultimated with the h4Xx0rz seemingly about to lose the battle.

A screenshot of IRC3's final moments.

However, they came back stronger. A second linux-based logging system was created only two days later, that was so secret that the only information available on it was through SMGs. This was much more secure than the previous version, but the group needed more than a simple chatroom to keep in contact. This was when TOR was invented. This was a global network of computers that allows internet users to obscure their identity. Tor client software routes Internet traffic through a worldwide volunteer network of servers in order to conceal a user's location or usage from someone conducting network surveillance or traffic analysis. Now it was time to put their plan into action. The Intellect contacted the top-tier from the then cabal-esque TOR network. A user called phyr3 proposed plans on a firewall that would put china in a state of shock. It would log-off anyone connected to the apache webserver, and then block all IPs that ran the "n00bsnet" filesharing network. Though initially reluctant to do so, the top-tier had no choice but to try it out.

The Intellect were the skilled creators of the best firewall technology, but construction of a firewall would most certainly alert the surfbots to their location; the surfbots would then be able to destroy the firewall before it was activated. The h4Xx0rz could create an EMP virus that would infect the apache mainframe and shut all n00bs offline temporarily. In exchange for the firewall technology, the h4Xx0rz promised to time the detonation of the EMP virus with the construction of firewalls around the h4Xx0r and Intellect strongholds. Though not all n00bsnet users ran under Apache, it would take off more than enough needed for them to be un-able to co-ordinate an attack. On the 16th December, 2007, all "n00bsnet" users where flat-out banned from using the internet. All intahnets ran by work-places, schools and other places of actual importance where completely un-affected, which is why the arrival of the Intahnet was a good thing, even though it split up the top-tier in the first place. After two hours, all user-run webservers where automatically brought back online, in the confidence that the people who ran websevers where not stupid enough to be newfags. Though the majority of the internet's users had now been reformed after the affects of the EMP virus, it still flourished in the way of webservers....

The final battle (pwn war and the Linux Revolution)[edit]

The internet was in a new-dawn of being ran only by intelligent users, with a paradise without AOL-speak or newfags actually being a reality. For three glorious months, the internet was exactly how Tim Berners-Lee wanted it to be; an actual form of telecommunications which united people together, and also a place to have long philosophical conversations. But on the cold morning of Febuary 3rd, 2008, an extremely clever 12 year-old called was able to remove the apache bans and allow access past the firewall to all computers. The h4Xx0rz' numbers were growing smaller by the day, as more and more were cast into the outernet daily by newfags. Then, it was discovered the true reason why the whole war was occuring. It shook the top-tier, the h4Xx0rz and everyone in between....

....There was a traitor in the h4Xx0rz ranks all along. One of the first people to rebel way back in 2005, a fifteen year old from North Dakota called XxXx1337snipesl3gitxXxX. This user was one of the, if not the, first people to start the internet wars. He had started the initial riots, which led to the war starting in the first place. He was friends with Ub3r1337d00d, one of the founding fathers of the h4Xx0rz. He pretended to be a member of their group, but secretly kept leaking their plans via AIM. After hearing this, the top-tier was outraged by this stupid little pretentious kid who had caused all this destruction for nothing. Bob Dole himself gave the kid the internet death penalty, meaning he may no-longer connect to the internet, or use the network in any way, shape or form. The user was humiliated, as the h4Xx0rz clapped and laughed as he was permenantly expelled from the internet.

ITT tech., where the top-tier run their server. During the internet wars, it became a virtual hiding place.

However, there was still the newfag problem to deal with. And they battled them. For over two years, though it was no-where near as bad as it was in 2005 - 2006, the battle to fight off the newfag menace lasted for over twenty-four painful months and more. Then, in October 2010, the intellect realised they'd be there forever, so they decided to end it all. Without the permission of the top-tier, the h4Xx0rz and the intellect produced a virus known as "pure win". Making it was one thing, getting the thing to execute was another matter.

They sent the program off to the Verizon and AOL servers. The plan was to start a riot, crashing the newfag's computers to put them in their place. The program "pure_win.exe", was left as a backdoor santa onto the verizon server. The operation was posted to alt.religion.emacs, but they wrote it in a way that implied the internet rioters where trying to nuke the h4Xx0rz, rather than the other way round. This was to make the other side look stupid both if they succeed or fail. After it was detected, the h4Xx0rzs made a run for it and hid under a TOR. As the Pure Win virus executed, it destroyed all computer's internet connections that ran under the server "emospace", "towernet", "beateh4x" and "Prezdnt", which was secretly used by most of the rioters while displaying an ASCII graphic of a nuclear explosion. When it exploded, it let off the power of four nukers, completely cutting off the computers from the internet. However, though they had won the internet war, the userbase was so devistated by the fact they nuked their own leader (ph4373) by accident, they split up....


This is the person we have to thank for saving us from the n00b r0xx0r. He was the one who formed h4Xx0rz, and he created both IRC4 and TOR. If it wasn't for him, we'd still be completely stuck in a never-ending version of 2006's immense faggotry. But towards the end of the Pwn War, he was connected to the Prezdnt server when setting it off, meaning that he accidentally bricked his own computer from accessing the internet.

It took over two months to get the problem fixed, but he has earned a large fanbase for his work. He was even indicted into the "Hall of Fame" on ArchLinux's "fame" program, for christs' sake. When seen on IRC, be respectfull at all times. He currently owns the newsgroups alt.religion.adm3a and

King of the Internet[edit]

Bob Dole has since then held a tight grip onto his rightful status as King of the Internet. All further conflict over the future of the internet was put down by Bob, who rules to this day with an iron fist. Bob has become one with the Internet, and now has the power to destroy the universe. He doesn’t, because he spends all his time with virtual girls.

Thankfully, all hope was not lost. A hero appeared on the scene, ready to spring into action. Known only as "The Lurker", he was clad in absolute obfuscation. His costume's fabric was made entirely out of Fox News political spin, ensuring complete protection from detection of Liberals, Muslims, and allowing him to blend in perfectly amongst everyone else. The Lurker claimed that he had a plan. He knew of a legendary robot who ran off of "penis power." This robot, he claimed, would be able to survive each and every thrust of R-Dole's poking device, and he postulated that the robot's lust for R-Dole's penis would overpower the maniacal robot, destroying R-Dole once and for all. The Lurker then set out on a quest to find the robot, named Keef.gif. He was successful-- in a fit of irony, the same collegiate southern boy who created R-Dole also had helped create Keef.gif.

See Also[edit]

  • n00b r0xx0r - the notorious time in which the newfags reigned supreme. Enter at your own risk.
  • Obnosis