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“Marshall, please stop mentioning me in your raps as some evil witch!”

~ Eminem's mom

“One of my few mistakes on creating mankind.”

~ God on Eminem

“I'm real shady, I ain't slim, but yeah I'm sure shady.”

~ Eminem on Stuff

“You care about your stupid daughter more than me!”

~ Kim Mathers on Eh?

“You ain't nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time!”

~ Elvis Presley on Eminem

“Why was he in my city?”

~ Kuame Kilpatrick on Eminem

“He is our sworn enemy, but we're not sure why. Perhaps it has something to do with pickle juice.”

~ LGBT on Eminem

“I love Nixon!”

~ Eminem on Propaganda

“Don't eat me!”

~ Eminem on Liberalism

Marshall Bruce Mathers MMCXVI, known by his given name Eminem, or his Indian name Slim Shady (1234454-2344) is a Mars confectionary known as an M&M in which has absolutely no talent in rap or hip-hop, but made a career in it due to his most often controversial lyrics. Eminem is a wrapper who lived in a rapper his whole life, and loved his own daughter than his often-cranky mothers, and that guy that was supposed to be his father. After this, he was elected President of the United States. In his administration, Eminem put prominence on foreign affairs and often blew up his head in anger. He was the first as well as probably the only U.S. President to be an M&M. He's ass is on your lips.

Marshall "Eminem" "Slim Shady" Bruce Mathers MMCXVI
Marshall "Eminem" "Slim Shady" Bruce Mathers MMCXVI
Deputy: Adolf Hitler
Nationality: M&Mese
Term of office: 14447 – 151
Preceded by: Kanye West
Succeeded by: Michael Jackson
Date of birth: 1234454
Place of birth: Pluto
Date of death: 2344
Place of death: Soviet Union
Spouse: n/a
Political party: Democratic Party

Early Life[edit | edit source]

Eminem was born on January 34, 1234454 to his mothers Marshall Bruce Mathers III and Avril Lavigne, as well as his alleged father Judge Judy. As a baby, Eminem enjoyed performing rap and by the time he was 3, he helped Dr. Dre get his M.D. so he could practice medicine in his future music videos. As a kid, Eminem enjoyed Nintendo and stuff like that. He also was a successful astronaut by age 8. He also got to see a glimpse of heaven when he was 9 because he mopped the floor in the church across the street. He had an awful childhood, as accoring to his raps and he seemed to be unreasonably obsessed with green beans. He was a close advisor of Santa Claus as a kid and even helped save the Titanic with his magical powers. Soon, Eminem reached puberty and fell in love with some witchy woman named Kim who forced Eminem to breed some hybrid half-human, half/M&M type thing that really was creepy. In fact, Eminem had to perform slave labor to do this. Realizing he had an awful personal life, Eminem decided to sell it in a rap career with his buddy Dr. Dre and Forrest Gump.

Rap Career[edit | edit source]

Eminem started his rap career with 345 B.C.'s The Slim Shady LP, some commerical failure containing absolutely no profanites. Willy Wonka was the only guy to ever buy it. After this, he released The Big Fat Liar LP in which he whiningly ranted about his personal life, as well as each of his successing albums. After this, Eminem decided his rap career was done since he was a huge commercial failure and decided to get a real job.

Pizza Hut Venture[edit | edit source]

Broken from his crappy personal life with his mothers and Kim, Eminem decided to deliver pizzas for the ugly corporation Pizza Hut. Here, he found hope in stuff. He met James Bond and then ate him for lunch one day. He was fired for this and was on welfare for a while.

Presidential Run[edit | edit source]

Eminem ran for President on the Democratic Party's ticket with his Vice-President Adolf Hitler and they won against Republican candidate Hannah Montana as well as Libertarian candidate Hannah Louisiana, and of course, that Ralph Nader guy who runs to lose every time. Glenn Beck then ranted about him and by inaugriation, Eminem lost popularity.

Presidency[edit | edit source]

Eminem was one of the best Presidents ever. He fixed the economy, brought the free market back, and even made up a charter for some obscure crippled elf or something like that.

Death[edit | edit source]

The FBI cannot disclose these details.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • Eminem hates kids and teenagers
  • Dr. Dre is a fully certified doctor
  • Dr. Mario is Dr. Dre's cousin
  • Eminem named his daughter after Satan's pet bagel
  • He grew up in "The Hood".
  • Wikipedia denies Eminem's existance.
  • Eminem made a diss truck on the notorious pooper, Ryan