James Bond

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“Bond, don't wreck my crappy gadgets again. I found that laser gun at a garage sale and would appreciate it if you don't wreck it. It is effective -33455% of the time, you know?”

~ Q on James Bond

“A complete waste of budding.”

~ Ian Fleming on something

“Hey, what am I doing here? I ain't got a martini and a fat guy smoking a cigar is sitting on me? What in the [expletive deleted] is that?”

~ James Bond on Richard Nixon

“Bond is not a primitive creature, so can someone get him out of my city?”

~ Mayor of Jurassic Park on James Bond

“Bond, it is up to you to stop the evil maniac known as Finger of Gold. Here is what you do:I dunno.”

~ M on giving Bond mission orders

“I love racoon meat!”

~ Tom Nook on Cannibalism

“It appears that there are too many Bond quotes on this page.”

~ Captain Obvious on Stuff

James Bond, also known as 007, Bond, James Bond, Shaken, not stirred, and Ugly Nasty Hungry Man Dinner (1776-2012) is a famous Australian spy working for Her Majesty's Secret Service, otherwise known as MI7[1] or something to the extent of that. Bond was born in 1776, right after the Declaration of Independence was signed by evil minions. Bond was unpopular during the Hot War, as he scrubbed toilets and old mens' teeth. Soon, he was promoted to secret agent and eventually morbidly obese spy.

Bond in various reincarnations.

Some wonder why Bond is known by so many names, including a code name a 2 year old girl could come up with off the top of her head. Many theorize that Bond is a cool cat from Lincoln's day.[2] Therefore, Bond is a weird guy. Right? Or is he a raging Republican? Not sure on that one. Just ponder that one a bit.

Well, I can't think of anything else for this pithy introduction, so just go along to the article.[3]

For those who like Satire, the so-called funny people at Uncyclopedia have an article about James Bond.

Early Life[edit | edit source]

Bond was born to Ian Fleming, thanks to the new revolution of reproduction by budding in humans mastered in the late 18th Century. As a child, Bond wrecklessly drove cars, drunkened himself on martinis, and such. Many think he is an ageless man, staying at 37 years of age, but that is simply not true. The real truth, before the Cold War, Bond was young, then stopped aging at the beginning of the Cold War. Bond was kicked out at the age of 18 in 1901, and was forced to live in Jurassic Park, some place where evolution never occured and was amazingly not eaten by a Tyrannasaurus.[4] After moving out of Jurassic Park, Bond was forced to live in an apartment with Dr. Doolittle, Bill Cosby, and Clark Kent. Instead of martinis, Bond sucked his thumb to get high. Soon, after this, Mr. Monopoly gave him a job as an accountant.

Into MI7[edit | edit source]

Main Article: Michigan Intellegence 7Australia

Soon after watching the new episode of iCarly, Bond was employed as a janitor for the MI7, a secret agent organization that really has no purpose. During the Hot War, Bond really didn't do anything per se. He worked a minimum wage job. FDR hated Bond, but that's beyond the scope of this article. His best friend was a coworker named Barney, who was a dinosaur that also took residence in Jurassic Park, and moved out right before Bond came, due to public displays of affection. After quitting due to political reasons, Barney moved to South Park and was shot by a fat kid. Bob Saget then came from Hell as a devilish man named Danny Tanner and attempted to assassinate Bond, due to some forseen vision of him saving the world. Saget was unsuccessful and then went back to his rightful place. Here, Bond met Moneypenny and were rumored to have an affair, but it was the New York Times that came up with that one.[5] Soon, Glenn Beck came from his evil dimension and decided to get in on Bond's free martini binge. Beck was unsuccessful and was forced to eat from the garbage and dance the Flamenco.[6] Nearing the end of the Hot War, Bond was forced to eat Baconators at Wendy's and even had them on speed dial on his cell phone.

Q in different hours of the day.

Cold War[edit | edit source]

Main Article:Cold War

After WWIII, in 1956, Bond had reached his eternal riping of 37 years of age, and then was appointed to a fledging MI7 to become a secret agent. Bond (who will from now on be referred as Banana Pudding due to budget cuts and a rising U.S. national debt) worked on his first mission titled Casino Royale. However, later in the article will the missions be described. Bond had to fight the war to rid the world of freezing temperatures. Soon, Bond faked his death to get out of secret agent duty and then Buddha came and made Bond go back to work. Moses then parted the Green Sea and that really has nothing to do with this article, does it? Billy Ray Cyrus, along with some midget called Oddjob came along and killed Bond with some magical hat and Bond went to Hell. Then, Saget again tried to kill Bond, though he was dead. Bond had severe eye smelling problems and was forced to go back to work.

Missions[edit | edit source]

Main Article:Missions of James Bond

This portion of the article will describe the missions that Bond was forced to partake in. If you have any objections, please take it up with this frog.

Royal Casino[edit | edit source]

Bond's first mission. Billy Ray Cyrus decided to go to a casino to talk to Dr. Phil, who had the secret ingredient that he needed to complete the mission SPECTRE (Sissies Pouting Excitingly & Collectively To Raise Elevation) had assigned him of making banana pudding with his buttocks make every child in America to stop listening to heavy metal and listen to country instead. Cyrus, a hillbilly, ironically hired a gangsta citizen named Oddjob to help him. Bond was trapped in a casino locker room and an attractive woman helped him out. Bond and this woman then made out and after this, Bond killed Cyrus and Oddjob killed the woman with his magical hat. Bond then sucked his big toe and Oddjob killed himself with the hat due to extreme boredom. George Lopez then came and escorted Bond back to Australia so he could watch Jerry Springer.

Finger of Gold[edit | edit source]

In this mission, Bond had an urge to go to White Castle for some mouthwatering sliders. Q then instructed him to instead go to McDonald's to assassinate Ronald McDonald, a SPECTRE agent intent on stealing 354 pints of O- blood. Meanwhile, a man named Finger of Gold decided to bomb Fort Knox for no particular reason. While Bond was sneaking over to White Castle, M and Moneypenny were arguing about whether Yahoo or Google was the better search engine. McDonald was successful in stealing the blood and was forced to return it due to Sean Penn forced him to. Bond was still eating sliders, and Finger of Gold got the nukes ready to blow up Fort Knox. He did, and then Buddha brought it back with magical water and Finger of Gold was then eaten by Super Mario and Elvis Presley for a midnight snack while they were watching Forrest Gump. This is the only misson where Bond neither accomplished the mission himself, nor had contact with women or martinis.

You Only Live 4545354 Times[edit | edit source]

In this mission, Bond was forced to eat turkey while being killed and reincarnated over and over again to help stop SPECTRE from blowing up MI7. That's it.

Octopussian[edit | edit source]

Well, in this mission, Bond had to help catch octopi to ink Dr. Yes. Wikipedia describes it as nonexistant. Bond then inked Dr. Yes and that became the end of this mission. Oh, and he got drunk from martinis and kissed Hannah Montana to throw up it. After this, Bond shot Montana with his banana laser and danced like a maniac. Soon, Moneypenny was promoted to Dollarnickel. Nixon is impeached resigns. She is demoted to Poorcrab. She eats at Waffle House. She gets her old title back. The Rapture occurs. Bond gets ready for his next mission.

For Your Own Feet Only[edit | edit source]

In this mission, Her Majesty was going to do the tedious task of holding a briefcase. Bond had to protect her from murderers and dumb people. SPECTRE agent Big Bird had a plan to kill Her Majesty and use Bond for testing shampoo instead of rats. Big Bird then was given the bird flu for his actions and and Her Majesty completed her job. Oh, and he shook up some martinis and did stuff.

Her Majesty of M17 who owns the darn joint hoping Big Bird will not strike. I wanna taco!

Eye of Gold[edit | edit source]

In this mission, Bond converted himself into the world of the Nintendo 64 and had to stop some satellite controlled by a traitor named 006, Alec Baldwin, and John Doe. Along the way, Bond had to stomp Goombas and Koopas and defeat Bowser fireballs and abnormal jumping abilities. He then went to medical school[7] and operated on a lizard. He then lost his martini money in a malpractice suit. He destroyed the eye of gold, and the satellite and pushed off Baldwin saying "For Australia, James?" and Bond famously replying "No, for me!" and pushed Balwin into a fishing store. He then escaped the N64 cartridge right before it exploded.

Bond inside of a Nintendo 64.

Live Another Day[edit | edit source]

Boond blew up an abortion mill for no reason. This mission was inspired by Spongebob since he loved doing stuff. SPECTRE is the main proponent of the mills, so that would make sense. Here, M advises Bond to use his potato launcher to blow it up, but he used his watermelon launcher instead, since Q had to make budget cuts. And he had to drink whiskey instead of martinis, which Bond did not particually care for. The election of George Washington in 2004 didn't help either. Anyway, the mill was blown up and SPECTRE miserably failed again, thanks to Bond and his rubbish gadgets Q buys at pawn shops and garage sales.

Royal Casino[edit | edit source]

The same as the original, but more blackjack. Oh, and perhaps Poker. Not sure on that one.

Quantam of SoulShip[edit | edit source]

In this mission, Q tells M they need more tartar sauce, but the market is closed. So, they send Ond to get it. They soon realize that they needed more ketchup as well, so they try to contact Bond. He had one too many martinis and thought Herman Cain was calling him. So, M goes down to the market to see what was going on. At this time, Yeti came crashing through the door and a drunken Bond was trying to kill it. Soon, M takes the gun out of Bond's hand and she killed Yeti herself. Bond then gets thrown into the wringer and screws the maid.

Peanut Butter Caper[edit | edit source]

Bond was told to blow up SPECTRE and everything relating to it. M advised Bond to use his apple pie nuclear gernades. Q instead gave him a peanut butter exploding shoe. Bond then threw the shoe into the Atrantic Ocean. Moneypenny was extremely busy filling prescriptions without a legal pharmuceutical license, and Q was busy watching soccer on television, otherwise known in his country as "football" or "No hands ball". M was watching "Days of Our Lives" or some stupid crap like that. Bond was nowhere to be found, so M sent 003 on the mission instead and got the last peanut butter exploding shoe. SPECTRE had no idea that this plot was coming and they were too busy posting trivial information on Twitter. 003 then came and set the shoe off. SPECTRE was then blown off the map. Q then found Bond in some undisclosed location. Instead of actually accomplishing his mission he was originally assigned, he was building a shrine to the reincarnation of Her Majesty featured in "For Your Own Feet Only" for some unapparent reason. Bond then was fired and sent to live in the Wapublic Galaxy for 5346 years.

Kill Austin Powers[edit | edit source]

Some cheesy Bond imitator named Austin Powers was actually SPECTRE's only remaining agent after the explosion in "Peanut Butter Caper". He was a morbidly obese cow. 003 was assigned to assassinate him. Bond, still on Wapublic Galaxy, was building a sculpture made out of jelly clay found in the ocean. 003 then is killed by a 3-year-old Chinese panda and was never seen again. Realizing Bond was MI7's best assassin, Q uses his flying ability to go to Bond's planet. Bond refuses to take his job back. Q is sucked in a black hole. M and Moneypenny are wondering what happened to Q. The black hole did not like the taste of Q's old man juice, so it spits him up on Antarctica. 005 is then forced to go on the mission. He fails. MI7 has no hope. Soon, Q forces Bond to work again, though he skipped his "Peanut Butter Caper" mission. He is successful in killing Austin Powers and retires.

What Are We Gonna Do, Q?[edit | edit source]

This isn't really a mission. M, Q, and Moneypenny decide to find a new agent to replace the retired Bond. Her Majesty appoints Jon Stewart and is given the codename 0007. He was so bad, that he actually was a Triple-0 agent. Nothing happens. 44 years later, Stewart is fired for immorality and Bond is forced to come out of retirement. Nothing else has happened again that is defined as "bad" since SPECTRE is gone, so Bond gets a free ride.

Bond and Cheese[edit | edit source]

Bond loves cheese. On a mission, he stopped to Winscosin to eat a big load of cheddar. He also carries pepper jack on missions. He even eats martini flavored cheese, stirred, not shaken. Or is it the other way around? '

Ugly Bond[edit | edit source]

James Bond was copied by a guy named Daniel Craig, who is very ugly, thus named Ugly Bond. He is NOT an official reincarnation, despite what this guy says.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • Bond was never elected President of the United States.
  • He is also a Wikipedia admin.
  • Bond was a duck in his former life.
  • Moneypenny is an advocate for Sudoku rights and Bond thinks she's quackers.
  • Donald Duck was Bond's friend in high school.
  • While in Jurassic Park, Bond became a college professor.
  • Q hates Bond since he breaks gadgets.
  • Bond will die in 2012 since people will hate him then.
  • In his lifetime, Bond will drink 36356656464612433.563434 marinis
  • Eh?
  • You mocking me?
  • You better not be!
  • Back on topic.
  • Jim Davis loved Bond since he loved his cat Garfield.
  • Daffy Duck never had anything to do with Bond.
  • George Bush and Ronald Reagan supported Bond.
  • Barack Obama, Tomfoolery Wilson, and Regis Philbin were the only Presidents not to.
  • A cup of green tea has more Vitamin C than an orange.
  • Eh?
  • There is an unusually large trivia section in this article.
  • Bond hates beer.
  • Jackson 5 singer Jermaine decided to name Bond ugliest man of the year in 1856.
  • I am John Kerry and I don't approve this message!
  • By 3545, robots will run the Earth.
  • Bond loves the little ones, though he shoots them with his P2K.
  • Bond loves cheeze
  • Bond will eat cheeze
  • 007 is Killer in Latin

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. We may have been a number or two off. Our bad.
  2. Not Abe Lincoln, Lincoln Logs!
  3. Or not
  4. Or however you spell it.
  5. No, it was FOX News!
  7. Not really.