Fat Hippo

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“Damn, those hippos are fat!”

~ André Breton on Fat Hippos

Holy crap, that thing is huge!

Fat Hippos are hippos that are fat. They are often mistaken for galaxies, and often the moon. But they are Hippos. Obviously. Fat Hippos are larger than normal hippos, including African Hippos, Fat Albert, and you. These hippos are larger than anything else that can swim, even Blue Whales. It doesn't matter what they look like, they are Hippos, and they are big. Even the smallest hippo is huge, and it is bigger than the United States. Fat hippos are huge! They are the size of that tree times ten. They are the biggest thing ever, except for Jabba the Hutt. That guy is huge. But so are Fat Hippos.

But lots of people think that these massive hippos are legends. No. Wrong. They are real. People think the oceans are rising because of global warming, but no. It's from these hippos taking a step in thwe water. The fat hippos are, like the name says, fat. They are the biggest thing you will ever see.

How Big are the Hippos?

You want to see big? These fucking hippos are bigger than the universe plus an Imperial Star Cruiser! These hippos must weigh almost twenty billion trillion pounds. They are so big that they could block out the sun from all of the planets in the Solar System for twenty years. They must be planets shaped like hippos or something. I mean, when they are in the ocean and in rivers, they water level rises 2000 feet and floods all of the cities below 2000 feet in altitude. I mean, these things are bigger than Jupiter! And Jupiter could fit in my room. As well as Neptune. And these hippos would take 12,000 of my rooms to fit in!

What do you think is big? Your ego? It is nothing compared to Michael Jackson's ego. And his ego is one- twenty-billionth of the size of these hippos. They are so big that when they take a breath, it takes all of the oxygen on the planet just to fill one of their lungs. Then they spit out all of that Carbon Dioxide, and kill everyone because there is no oxygen left to breath. And, when they take a step, the whole world cracks, and there are 19.6 earthquakes everywhere, especially China. Not to mention even Yoda and Darth Vader can't even pick them up with the force they are so big, even if "size matters not". Fucking Yoda.

Habitat and Lifestyles

Dude, that's a big hippo!

The Hippos obviously live in the water, otherwise they would be some weird elephant. But since they are not elephants, they are Hippos, They live in the water. And like I said before, when these guys hit the water, everyone drowns. Just one step and the planet Earth splits in two, fly in separate directions, and your house gets split in half. Yeah. They're that big. When they eat, they eat every head of lettuce and every vegetable on Earth in two bites. So when they run out of veggies, Oh Noes! They become meat eaters and start chowing down on dead humans who drowned and are floating in the ocean, and they also eat live running screaming people because it is fun having your meals running and scared.

Also, like normal whales they do that cute ear flappy thing. Oooooh! Mommy! Looks at those ears! They is flappy and cute! And they also stick their heads out of the water with lily pads on their head and that is so cute that I just want to shoot the whale and cut off its head so I could put it on a plaque the size of Texas and try to fit it in my mansion so I could look at its cute face all the time!

Human Interactions

Humans and Fat Hippos have had a bad history. When they first one got massive, the Iraqi military started shooting at it with AK-47's, but it didn't work. So then South Korea wanted to finally launch some nukes and fire like 300,000 of them at the Fat whale, but since the whale had such thick skin and so much blubber, some bombs bounced off and blew up in Korea, and the ones that did explode the whale didn't even feel. So the hippos got off on the wrong foot with people.

Then, some unlucky sailors ran into them at sea in their cool submarine packed with torpedoes. So they thought all of that meat would last them the trip across the ocean and went "hippo hunting". They launched twenty torpedoes at the hippo, but it didn't move. It didn't feel it. It just swam over and ate the submarine like we would lick the ground to eat a single crumb of food. So these hippos are fat and big.

How the Hippos Got Fat

No one really knows how these hippos got really fucking fat. Several theories lead to possible ways these creatures grew to their amazing size.

• The God Theory One theory points the finger at God, the self proclaimed creator of the Universe and Illogicopedia. The pope scientists says that God is responsible for all things on Earth, and since the Hippos are on earth (even though they are bigger than the planet), God had made them. Either that or Steven Spielberg. The Hippos were going to be the stars of is latest movie, Hippos on the run.
• The Diet Theory Some scientists believe that the whales got soooo big due to dietary problems. The think the whales spent all of their time in McDonald's and Corner bars drinking up and getting beer bellies. It's just that they got too out of control, and started eating ice cream. Then they started getting so fat that they couldn't fit into the corner bar any more, and ate it. SO then they grew about 453 feet and fled to the watery depths of hell, only to be rejected. Then they decided to hide in the oceans.

Instead of legs, imagine that it's the planet. That's how fucking big they are, if you didn’t already know.

• The Bee Allergy Theory It is believed by over half of the scientists who believe something about the origins of the Fat Hippos' size that the hippos got sooo big due to an allergic reaction to a bumble bee sting. They think that one regular whale got stung and swelled up to the size of Russia. Then another one did, they got it on, and they had some kids. Then, more and more were getting produced and were big. Then they became known as the world's biggest whales and were the largest animal on Earth. They were not the most populated, though. Those were humans.
• The Sailors' Theory Sailors believe that these hippos are the descendants of the famed Loch Ness Monster, which is also called a legend by many. These sailors say they saw Nessie, but then again, sailors are drunk all the time. So it is hard to believe their bullshit whether you would like to or not. The sailors believe the hippos were made to sit on Los Angeles so the entire city would be crushed, including Hollywood. The Sober sailors, however, think that these hippos were given steroids as a test. But there are only two sober sailors, and they have been institutionalized for mental problems.

Fat Hippos and the Destruction of the Planet

Despite popular belief, hippos are actually big killers. Regular hippos like to eat humans, maybe the flesh tastes like ice cream or it is just fun. And now, with these fat hippos, they can destroy the whole planet, not just a couple of lives.

Because these hippos are so big, they can destroy the planet in an instant. They could breath, walk, and swim, not to mention eat and sit. The most basic tasks of any other species can destroy the planet we call home. Taking a step would crack the planet in two, destroy the atmosphere and let the world collapse due to unstable core activity. Fun. Breathing uses all of the oxygen, so everyone dies. Yay. And they can drink the whole Indian Ocean in two sips, and all of the other oceans in ten. Then we all die.

So these hippos could accidentally destroy the planet, therefore committing suicide.

Conclusion

So now you should know all of the cool stuff about Fat Hippos. Hopefully they don't take a step so the planet gets destroyed and you can keep cruising around this stupid wiki for the rest of your pathetic life. Hopefully, though, if the world does split in two you still have your computer and internet connection.

Magnificent Madness This article was one of the Top Ten articles of 2008.