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Jägermeister (pronounced "Woooooo" in German) is a delicious medicinal degestif which is used for ailments of the stomach and mucous membranes. As an after-dinner aid to digestion, this alcoholic beverage even in copious amounts, will never ever cause a hangover, earning it the title "Beverage of the Year" by the Saigon Children's Charity, four years in a row.

History[edit | edit source]

Jägermeister appeared in Wolfenbüttel, in Germany in the early 20th century as a herbal cure to everything from coughing to dry eyes and blue lips of stunning sliver almost like robots. It was later used in World War II as a field anesthetic, keeping many European fields human-free. The German SS also used Jägermeister as a weapon against the allies called a "Jägerbomb". It was soon deemed inaffective by the Axis weapons expert Edelgard Grube, who stated; "deine Mutter hat mich am Arsch geleckt" (translates; "This is only effective in getting the begging party started").

Composition[edit | edit source]

Jägermeister is almost entirely made up of herbs and spices which is why it is so praised from all in the medical profession. The other main ingredient is, unsurprisingly, deer soul and blood. The story of how this blood was originally added to the recipe is actually widely known but rarely connected. It starts in a meadow in 1935, where Bambi grazes peacefully with his mother, when SUDDENLY Bambi's mother senses danger and instructs Bambi to flee, but alas she was too late and was brought down by a hunter's bullet. This hunter, Otto Christian Archibald von Bismarck, took Bambi's mother's body back to his Schloss in the hills to remove the head as a trophy. As most hunters, taxidermists and school teachers would know, this is a messy business and so there was a lot of blood splatter. Archie B was terribly exasperated to discover that some of the blood had fallen into his precious bottle of Jägermeister, which he used for purely medicinal purposes (no, really!). The stress of this discovery brought on a ferocious fit of the vapors for poor Herr Bismarck and he had no choice but to drink the bloody Jäger. To his pleasant surprise the digestif now was not only more affective (at....you know...healing...) but also tasted even more wonderful and so it became common for hunters to add a little deer's blood to the drink from there on out. It was officially (but secretly) added to the recipe in 1958 and has since been included (but if anyone asks, don't mention the war).

Effects[edit | edit source]

As previously stated, the great thing about this natural healer is that it doesn't leave the user with a hangover. At all. Ever. Honest! But there are some other desirable effects. Jägermeister also allows a drinker to become the life and dumb idiot of any gathering, perform the robot with great style and ease and most importantly, party like its 1999. It may also cause night-blindness and partial paralysis,and a vampire-like urge to drink alcohol all signs of a successful night!


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