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The true history and knowledge of Sabden is one that to this day is still disputed among the worlds great modern historians. Even the globes of vast intellect known only as ForestFriendsProductions stand in dispute with each other as to the real events which go on within the dark depths of the timeless cavern known as Sabden. This has led to two sets of history, obviously the first one is actually right, but for legal reasons, you must be informed that the second account is "just as possible" in the sort of way that David Cameron is actually an alien who steals children and has the perfect cover up because no-one will suspect the nations leader, but its "just as possible" that he's just really crap at his job and isn't actually doing it on purpose.

Sabden during an ice age.

Races[edit | edit source]

There are three semi-dominant species within Sabden. All of them claim to have absolute dominance but none have ever had the ability to actually enforce it.

Treacleminers[edit | edit source]

These small but highly advanced creatures have been described as "a cross between a dwarf and a small tree stump." by Kitty the oppressor, a witch and today's president of the United Species of Sabden (USS). They live in a vast and complicated network of tunnels underneath sabden and its surrounding area and live mostly off "the great sticky sticky" which is supplied to them by the mighty god Simon Cowell. Their claim to dominance comes from two major arguaments, these being the "we were here first" arguament, and the more frequently used "lets face it, sabdenites are pretty thick" arguament.

Sabdenites[edit | edit source]

In the year 55 AC the land above the Stickii of Sabdino was inhabited by what was then a group of homosapiensapiens, however over time many alliances and marriages in the interest of peace meant that the standard genetics of the modern sabdenite is now 48% human, 23% treacleminer, 19%sheep and 8% rare fungus. Their claim to dominance is arguably the weakest and comes from a basic "the pope said so" point of view.

Sheep[edit | edit source]

These are the latest inhabitants having settled after a series of raids on the small kingdom. They are vicious warriors and, despite appearances, are the single most feared creature in Sabden. Their claim to dominance comes from an old contract with the treacleminers, when Sheepacnut the Leading Follower of the sheep won a great victory over the treacleminers and a share of power commenced. In the words of Sheepacnut "BAAA!"

The founding of Sabden and the rise of the three species[edit | edit source]

The year that the sabdino was set up cannot be set to an absolutely exact date. Some historians claim it to be some time around 356BC on the 15th of december at 20:45 and 20.352 seconds. Others argue stating it was probably actually closer to ten to. We will never know.

The First Crusade of Sabden[edit | edit source]

The Build Up[edit | edit source]

In the year 1825 the queen of Sabden, Rose Wayne recieved a message from a close ally the duke of clitheroe after he'd suffered a crushing defeat to the Dingles at Mt Pendle this lead to the rallying of the greatest army that has ever been produced by the Sabdenite race. (The Treacleminers were asked to join but it was nearly bonfire night and business was booming. No-one dared ask the sheep though because they're frickin' scary.)

Plan[edit | edit source]

The plan was fairly basic, to resecure the lands of Clitheroe and re-capture the castle: A sacred place in the eyes of the locals. They also intended to push into some of the lands of Burnley to secure a buffer zone around the sacred land. "GO!GO!GO!" (The premature crusade) "GO!GO!GO!": These were the words of Peter and his trusted friend Phil as they launched a premature prelude of the first crusade on the 23rd October 1825. This was a disasterous failure. 5 miles down the line both Peter and Phil had grown sick of the whining of their lovechild, and 2 miles later Phil realised he'd forgotten his handbag. The premature crusade had to be abandoned.

The Actual Thing[edit | edit source]

Launched on the 1st of November by Rose herself. The whole army was well equipped, everyone had their packed lunches, and Rose even remembered her toothbrush. There was absolutely nothing that could go wrong. The savage defeat of Peter's crusade was already a myth in the eyes of many.

The Second Crusade of Sabden[edit | edit source]

Though the first crusade was an enormous success, and Clitheroe had been secured, Sabden now faced a new enemy - Clitheroe itself. This time Balafalafa had ruthlessly corrupted the citizens (removing the age of consent and rewriting Catholic laws to encourage bestiality), and, supposedly, had forced them into opposition against Sabden (possibly through use of the Biscuit technique). Sabden, which had now grown to encompass Pendle Hill and the 'Old Forest' (see the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring for an accurate description), was now seen as a 'blaspheming hell hole' (which, to be fair, is true), and an essential target for Clitheroe's expansionist policy. With the multiplicity of half human-half beast creatures under Balafalafa's cruel policies, Clitheroe was in dire need of Lebensraum - and Sabden was a supposedly easy target.

The Build Up[edit | edit source]

The Wise Council of Clitheroe deemed that the only thing keeping Sabden from anarchy and self-destruction was the practice of 'Kitty chasing' - for now the witch Kitty had fallen through the social classes and become a subject of abuse and entertainment. Without this scapegoat, the council predicted Sabden would turn in on itself and eventually place itself under the protection of Clitheroe, for its own good. On one fateful evening, not twelve days after Christmas Day (two days after, in fact), Kitty was snatched from her Sabden dwelling (a broom cupboard) and taken to Clitheroe castle - the notorious stronghold of Lancashire.

Sabden rose quickly in revolt. Expected to fall into ruin, the town's inhabitants actually rallied under Magician Tunnok and proclaimed the second crusade. With one shout the population cried: 'Deus le volt!'

The Actual Thing[edit | edit source]

This time the crusade gathered support from Fence, Higham, and the Ocolulu tribe (a primitive tribe situated somewhere near the summit of Pendle hill). Even treacle-mining was put on hold *collective gasp*. Also, for the first time, the remainder of the Pendle Witches (thought to have been burned at the stake) emerged from the shadows and joined the fray. The crusade swept through Whalley and Billington, killing everything in its path, before realising it had taken the wrong direction and needed to go North-East. As the chronicler Orderic Vitalis put it: ' It was a terrible sight. The awful shrieking, the mutated heads of the Sabdenites, the groaning from the spread of AIDS and the crude weapons they carried - bones of children to be used as clubs or vampire teeth sellotaped to a stake - created a sense that all the hell's evils were pouring out of Sabden and into Clitheroe. ' Naturally, the crusaders were overwhelming and quickly swept through the town, reaching the castle. Only Queen Rose could brave its halls and eventually found the captive witch Kitty - practicing indecent charms upon the Duke of Clitheroe.

Karen Armstrong: ' It appears Kitty herself had corrupted the minds of the council of Clitheroe so that the duke would imprison her....and fall to her charms. Sabden knew she had betrayed them, and the inhabitants went home, unwilling to welcome Kitty again until the Duke had died and she had herself gone on a pilgrimage to Wilpshire in order to recieve penance. '

The second crusade was over. Nothing was achieved.

Aftermath[edit | edit source]

After this striking defeat, everyone went home. Following a violent session of town-wide inbreeding to sooth their sorrows the town went back to their abnormal lives. The world was safe once more. For a short time. Because the Sabdenites felt betrayed by the clitheronians for their actions. It would be a while before another crusade was called.

Inhabitants[edit | edit source]

There are three major species that all claim to have rights of dominance over the kingdom/ stickii/ flock which is commonly known as sabden among the human community. These being the Sabdenites, the Treacleminers, and the Sheep.

Second account[edit | edit source]

“The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it.”

~ Mr Wootton on Sabden, during the Snowstorms of 2010

Sabden is a place located in the UK. It's a place where inbreeding and bestiality is A-Okay, or at least the locals (all twelve of them) believe this.

Sabden is an isolated settlement deep within the Pendle Hill Foothills, well known for its failed Textile industry, widespread reports of inbreeding, and numerous secret Cthulhuic cults. While official censuses report the popluation to be 1,371, it is suspected there is a further population of deformed mutants (estimated to be around 5,000) that dwell in the catacombs beneath the village. Its main exports today are overpriced cleaners and sterilising liquids.'

History[edit | edit source]

Pre Henrician History[edit | edit source]

Though there is much dispute over the exact date of first habitation, it is thought the site where Sabden is presently was colonised by Sumerian explorers approximately 5000 BC, as a trading post with the settlement at Padiham at the time. However at sometime during the 41st Century BC, it is thought Mt Pendle erupted covering the Sumerian settlement and reducing the once great metropolis to a handle of survivors, which slowly developed into the 'Treacleminer' species. The ferocity of these tribes prevented any further contact until the 1st Century AD, where the Romans founded the settlement of 'Sabdino'. This settlement further increased in importance in the 9th century AD, where King Nugent of Dingleshire comissioned an abbey dedicated to the exorcism of these 'ghosts' and the proliferation of Christianity in the area.

Reformation, Repopulation and Retardation[edit | edit source]

During the Reformation, it was found that the Abbey Crypt had led into the ruins of the sumerian ruins, and that the monks and local population had been corrupted by the 'ancient and baleful magicks of the dead', where it was reported the inhabitants preformed acts of witchcraft and buggery (mostly on sheep) to honour the ancient gods. The Abbey was earmarked for dissolution, however it reacted by becoming a key command post for the extreme wing of the Pilgramage of Grace. In retaliation, the entire population of the Abbey was burnt at the stake, and King Henry began an early example of the transportation usally associated with later colonies such as Australia by sending the Tower of London's excess rapists and murders to live in 'that forlone land'. Henry, now in possession of the lands in Sabden, then added this area to the fief of the disgraced "Wayne" family, who initially refused the honour. After a 13 month imprisonment in the Clitheroe Castle dungeons, however, the Waynes reluctantly agreed to hold the Sabden fief.

The following period saw the new subspecies of 'Sabdenites' develop, as the Wayne dynasty attempted to achieve internal unity by mingling and eventually interbreeding with the native Treacleminer and Sheep populations. This long period of consolidation was known as 'The-more-boring-than-usual-ic' Period, with a long tedium broken by the Sixty-Eight and a half Years War.

See Also[edit | edit source]

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