The Snickets

The Snickets are an American criminal family with a multi-billion dollar fortune and significant shares in Coca Cola, Sky and the Polish Government. Over 19th and 20th centuries they have made vast contributions to the world of Science, Modern Art and Architecture. They have used their considerable influence to acquire funding for their biological testing units, and have held back other organisations like the Mafia and the Taliban, preventing both from international penetration into Government.

There are at least twenty surviving members of the family. Though the Snickets have no history of intermarriage, daughters who marry outside the family only do so on the condition she and the children can retain the name 'Snicket'. Instances where this prevented a marriage include Marjorie Snicket (1921-present), a spinster, and Joan Snicket (1965-present), widow to Henry (1966-1992) who has not remarried.

The Snickets' criminal ties are believed to have originated from their rapidly expanding family feud with The Hartley Family, who made startlingly similar contributions to the Literary and Art world in the 19th century. Since then, the Snickets have become internationally renowned for their highly effective arson attacks, which leave no trace of the perpetrator behind, and almost always destroy the target.

History

The Snicket's early 19th century family business

The history of the Snicket family can be divided into three eras - 1800-1900, 1901-1950 and 1951-present. It is in these periods that the Snickets began their illustrious feud with the Hartleys and built up the international conglomerate known in the present day as VSD. Historical records show the Snickets as a working-class family running a book-binding business in the late 18th century, but nothing of their activities before this time remain in historical accounts.

1800-1900

Records show the beginnings of a feud around the year 1805. Letters were retrieved from the old Snicket Manor before it was burned down, showing a fierce argument between the Snickets and rival book-binders, the Hartleys. Evidence includes this notable exchange:

'It is with discretion that we remind you, Mr Joseph Snicket, that given our exclusive rights to provision Freud & Leed's with quality books, it would seem legally impossible that you could claim any share in the terms of the contract, and we request your termination of the exchange immediately.'

'On the contrary - knowing that our family is in close connection with 'Balafalafa', it would be wise for you to withhold such requests for the present, which involves shutting up and going away.'

'May your house have no windows, Mr Snicket'

"May your wife ever be barren, Mr Hartley!'

'Fornicator!'

Both families began to forge ties with important figures. Though the Snickets were in correspondence with Balafalafa at the time, the Baudelaires signed trade agreements with the Bloomsbury Group in 1842, and the Snickets retaliated by enlisting the help of their most important ally, the Intrubé family, in 1846. Karen Armstrong says: 'What began as a small disagreement turned into a bitch fight of which Whilelmina Slater would be proud'. Pressure to gather wealth led to the infamous kidnap of 7,000 Russian children, who were allegedly brought to the Intrubé estate in Naples and forced to work. After the Great Exhibition in 1851 the Snickets turned their attention to the field of science, and pioneered a biological testing unit in alliance with the Museum of Natural History. It received considerable support from the Intrubé family, who were looking into the causes of their increased sexual drive.

1871 - 1900

With the Snicket's fame and fortune now growing owing to the discovery of genetic code and of paracetamol, the Hartleys needed economic backing to protect against the possibility of a paid assassination, and began to make contact with Cuban Mob members. Evidence of their correspondence includes early photographs of Frank Hartley attending an Amendment of the US Constitution with the ruthless Eddie Marone, who was at the time thought to be a respected professor and free-thinker, until his international Marijuana business was exposed to the public.

In 1875, while The Snicket Unit underwent experiments to find the 'Penis Length' gene ('purely for the interests of science' quoted William Snicket), the Hartley family carried out the largest heist ever successfully completed without proof of action. Of course, the lack of evidence may be owing to the burning down of the Chicago Trade Centre immediately after it was robbed, but the Hartleys made no secret of their sudden fortune. Immediate purchase of the Library of Congress, much to the envy of the Snickets, incensed the feud, with a violent outburst on the shores of Florida culminating in an horrific trampling of children's sandcastles.

In 1886, France 'gave' America the Statue of Liberty. Rumours circulated that the Snickets used considerable influence and funds to have the daughter of the household - Grace - adorned on the statue, and while dismissed as an urban myth at the turn of the 20th century, recent face-mapping technology has proved this to be true. Many critics regarded it as a statement of the Snicket's superior influence in the States, as it showed they were now the face of the nation. 'We are now the face of the nation,' William Snicket said in a press conference.

The Shell of the Old Baudelaire Mansion; it was eventually knocked down in 1902

Georgina Snicket was filed as 'missing' in February 1899 after a solitary holiday to California. Her body has never been found, but local tourists in Napa photographed a man in a black suit watching what appears to be Ms Snicket from the other side of the lake. Further photographs provided more details of appearance, and although Snicket family members suspected he was a hitman working under Eddie Marone, the county judge dismissed the case, citing a lack of evidence. In April of that year, Peter Snicket reportedly enlisted the help of the Intrubé family to capture and torture members of Marone's gang in Ghana. A US legal representative was present to witness the abuse, which apparently included use of the Biscuit Technique. As torture was not illegal in Ghana at the time, the Snickets were able to present the resulting confessions before a federal judge, who prosecuted the gang members of account of murdering Georgina Snicket. What followed was a frenzied arson attack on The Hartley Estate, which was re-built in Michigan. However, many of their greatest works, such as the sequel to Karl Marx's Communist Manifesto, were lost in the fire. The Hartleys are still suing for property damages.

1901-1950

A New Century - 1901-1905

With a new century came new opportunities for both the Snicket and Hartley families. With the untimely death of Joseph Snicket in 1901, who choked on his Spaghetti Carbonara, there was possibility for a reunion at last. Dwayne Hartley was willing to reconcile with Philip Snicket, who had taken his father's place as at the company, and start afresh. Philip had other ideas, however, and obtained photographs of Dwayne exiting a house of not much repute and exposed them to the press. This is what caused the estrangement of Dwayne and Victoria Hartley. Victoria herself died in November 1902 from Cholera and Dwayne was confined to an asylum due to a breakdown arising out of the stresses of his divorce.

Magnus Hartley, famed for his fierce temper and ruthless attitude, was only 18 when he replaced his father as CEO. He quickly cemented his place at the helm of the company with the disappearances of several high-ranking Board Directors and also set about the downfall of his opponent. Although no links can be made it is thought that Magnus Hartley orchestrated the murder of Philip Snicket on the night of 14th April 1903 at 11:45pm. It was at the restaurant where Philip was having a meal with close associates, and also enjoying a Spaghetti Carbonara like his father, where he was taken outside under the guise of 'a few police officers wanting to question him' (as one witness put it) and shot three times in the stomach.

The Snicket family instantly blamed Magnus for the murder and set about a smear campaign, through the media corporations they silently owned, which lasted two years from 1903-1905. Magnus claimed libel, but his claim was thrown out of court in July 1095 due to undisclosed reasons.

See Also

• Wallace Intrubé
• The Intrubé Dynasty
• The Hartley Family
• VSD
• Balafalafa

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