Mr Lamb

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Mr Lamb is an outspoken history teacher and popular culture critic, who lives in Lancashire. Despite humbly working as a teacher, he has earned international acclaim for his corduroy evening wear and paralysing one-liners. He has also earned a place in the hypothetical 'House of Goddesses' in Hogwarts.

Life[edit]

It is not known when or where Mr Lamb was born, or where he lives, though some say with much conviction - 'The Sky'. However, he has been teaching in Lancashire for at least eight years following an undoubtably successful childhood and early adult life. Born a demi-god, he has not been approached in marriage nor in partnership. However, he does have a colourful history with 'fancypants' Jonathan Philips and the dreaded 'Vampyra' (who has been likened in some ways to 'Balafalafa'). He takes a keen interest in serial killers and the Eurovision Song Contest.

Quotes[edit]

Below are a list of his many award-winning one liners, which have been faithfully recorded by a History class in their fully preserved form.


"Now, imagine you're walking down a very dark alley. Then SUDDENLY an old man comes out at you, with a knife - he grabs you, turns you around, and pressing the knife to your ear, says: 'Did personnel or systems change in the government of England in the years 1066 to 1087?' "

"We're not in GCSE year anymore, where I saw a particular colour and I JUST DID THIS!"

"Oh those invisible files are cool, WHERE DID YOU GET THEM??"

"Dear Harold, give me back my kingdom, you PERJURED USURPER! Lots of love, William"

"Ohh, some people like the Church..."

'Yeah that's right, we're teenagers and we're cool - we get work and we just don't do it! WE Are The LEADERS Of Society!!'

"The germans had another wave of antisemetic violence, because, you know, that's the way they do it"

"But that's today's serial killer, children!"

"They were from the west, and were obviously a bunch of ITV viewers"

"I've done my A-level medieval history back in the 1800's"

"You better keep these results up, or im going to kill you"

"It's not the Anglo Saxons turned around, so the Normans destroying their churches, and said: 'Ooo what an excellent regeneration programme!'"

"But think about when you're 100 and you say: 'Oh for the days when I was young and I could get off this chair!' "

"Not that i have anything against snails, but theyre just, what do they do? and all they leave all that weird stuff behind them!"

"What did you think of jonathon phillips? pft, open shirt and that bit where he hadnt had a shave. i might start doing that..

"I'm glad none of you came out with embarrassing revision techniques, like: 'I like to go into a shed with a weasel...' "

(On the Baltic States) "They always win eurovision because they don't really have much to do apart from go inside and sing songs. Apart from when the nazi's come along and they help them persecute minorities... but anyway that's all in the past."

"This pen's making a funny noise...sounds like poking a hamster... not that I've ever poked a hamster before"

(On the dead Adhemar Le Puy) "And the crusaders started seeing the ghost of Adhemar, saying things like: 'Don't worry lads, you're gonna win. I know - I'm from the other side!' "

"Now before we begin, let's do a quick survey - put your hand up if you DON'T have an exam on May 26th? *Puts hand up* Oh? Just me then!'

"My washing machine evil. Sometimes it'll do everything you ask of it perfectly and at the right time, other times it'll do have to work and finished it late! Sometimes it refuses to give me back my washing, so I'm just stood there going: 'It's MY stuff!' "

"That comes under the category of I don't think that's ANY of your business!!"

"People who draw on plastic bottles don't get in to university"

"Don't go knocking on the doors of universities saying give me some work experience as a historian!"

Research[edit]

Mr Lamb is on the panel of researchers currently investigating several serious issues. The full set of topics are shown below.