Wallace Intrubé

Known to many of his opponents as 'El Gato Negro', Wallace Intrubé (also known as Wallace Intrubé, Wallace Intrube and Wallace Intrude) is an Italian-born drug philosopher and pro-wrestler with a history in child prostitution and the Mafia. His contemporaries refer to him as "The one that was so small, yet accomplished so much in the name of sin".

He was born on March 15th, 1993 and has since risen to power in 7 former Soviet satellite states, only to be driven out on account of excessive consumption of limited soup supplies. To this day his antics have claimed the lives of over 200,000 young children.

He is the second-to-last in line in the Intrubé dynasty, a wealthy Italian family with a somewhat controversial and bloody history. From his father Wallace has inherited his eyes, sensual God-like trombone playing, and the current Contractual Crisis, which led to the demise of Wallace's Italian grandfather, Don Criceto. Wallace has also taken responsibility for his family company but not his actions. He currently faces a total of 629 court charges, both hereditary and non-hereditary, stretching back to allegations to the kidnap of several high-profile members of Eddie Marone's Cuban Mob.

Early Life

Wallace was born the eldest of two brothers, Wallace and Lupin, on March 15th 1993, in Cambridge. When his mother described him as 'The boy who lived', the nurse replied: 'unfortunately so'. Wallace was reported to consume 4,000 calories a day. When he began primary education, the school received complaints of child starvation from Wallace's repeated consumption of his classmates' meals. Though he could decode Chaucer, he was not popular among his peers. By the age of six he had joined a county football team and used his energy to viciously abuse opposing schools, leading to repeated victories in the years 1999, 2000, 2001 and 2002. However, in 2003 it was discovered Wallace was undergoing substance abuse and was no longer fit to play.

The modern historian Karen Armstrong summed up the early years of his life with this:

While there was peace in his mind, there was war all around. Wallace stirred the old, the young, the fit, the frail, men, women, otherwise, to blind hatred or to fear. It was as though he was Reynald de Chatillon and they the Saracens.

Early Teenage Years

Further Information: Sabden Witchcraft

Wallace's parents decided to move north to Lancashire in 2004. Wallace, now 11, used his anonymity to gather a group of select friends and develop an innocent 'persona'. Not 30 miles from Sabden, Wallace's home was within driving distance, and in a fateful outing in June, he visited the house of the well known witch 'Kitty' and stole her magic. Stephen Fry claims: 'Wallace now had the physical powers to match the mental and, coupled with a truly horrifyingly evil disposition, this finally gave him the ability to begin destroying people's lives'. Recent psychiatric analyses of his actions found 'there were close correlations between the neural activity of Wallace and that of Adolf Hitler.' 'But he's not very good at serial killing, is he?', argues Mr Lamb. Following this incident, Wallace embarked upon a tour around Europe involving drug trafficking, gang rape, indecent conduct, fraud, serial monogamy, presidential elections and fishing.

Visit to Eastern Europe

Wallace's fabled mask - its substance remains uncertain

Wallace flew to Latvia in a custom-made flying suit. Though carbon testing has identified the majority of his suit as composing of iron, nickel and unobtanium, his mask was not made of any tangible material known to humanity; but instead made of a completely new element. (Something Marvel Studios and Paramount Pictures were quick to capitalise upon during the making of 'Iron Man 2'). Wallace swiftly got legal and entered a series of high profile court cases which to date (July 7th 2010) have found no resolution. However, by framing the presidents of Latvia, Lithuania, Estonia and Ukraine in a multi-billion tax evasion fraudulence, Wallace was elected to presidency in 7 former Soviet satellite states.

His insistence to the Latvians that murder proved to be statistically the fastest money earner provoked a series of political and religious backlashes, and Wallace was driven out of the country in 13 days. However, due to a recent marriage to Svenna Majori, he was able to negotiate the hand over of 10,000 Latvian slaves (mostly children) - whose exact location today remains unknown. Wallace is also facing mounting litigation from an Estonian soft drinks manufacturer for unreleased reasons. Speculation from Estonian town criers has stated that this is due to a potentially lethal combination of 'rubber ducks, Vaseline and an attempted extraction of human fluid'.

Wallace Intrube's exploits in Eastern Europe have not gone unnoticed with rumours being circulated of a Kremlin authorised contract kill on Wallace. The hitmen were noted to have failed in their attempt on Wallace's life and are now without limbs. Timothy Frankland was heard as wisely quoting: 'When you encounter Wallace, you're going to lose something.'

The 'Vienna Incident'

Authorities were called to this building, where victims had been subject to horrifying abuse at the hands of Wallace

Investigators are still struggling to come to a definite conclusion on what exactly transpired on the night of the Vienna Incident, 19th August 2004. Case No. 1 describes a mass robbery of the European Vaults, coupled with the rape and murder of several high-ranking burlesque dancers. The domain name 'www.greedisgood.eu' has also since disappeared. As all of the witnesses were either murdered, raped or tortured into madness through Wallace's infamous Biscuit Technique evidence has been difficult to piece together. However, it is thought to have escalated from Wallace's divorce from Svenna Majori and his re-marriage to a woman only known as 'The Ginger'. Svenna is suing for $1bn matrimonial fees and the estates they briefly owned in Vietnam and Morocco. However, as Wallace swiftly returned to Lancashire by 25th August, he has been unable to appear at court and prosecutors are finding it difficult to link the shy, small boy of North-West England with the raging psychopath who committed the offences in Vienna.

Secondary School 2004–2005

Wallace negotiated a place in a secondary school in the Ribble Valley by using the extortion funds from his campaigns in Latvia. Under the terms, despite being Catholic he was granted a place providing he underwent baptism. However, the Baptismal forms are believed to be forged as Wallace is known to officially worship Gluttonism (see below). Wallace's place in school was maintained only by regular extortion funds - warranting the necessity to embark upon further pillage and murder during half term holidays. On December 28th, Wallace broke into Leavesden Studios, kidnapping several actors including Emma Watson, Maggie Smith and Michael 'Corner' Gambon. They claim to have been locked in a dark room for 13 hours and forced to give bank details. To keep the crimes quiet, Wallace transferred half of the bank funds to their respective agents, and released them in Leavesden Studios the following day. On New Years' Eve he travelled to London and stole 2,000 fireworks, justifying that 'they would make no difference to the overall appearance of the show'. Wallace was granted legal immunity from this particular incident using repeated threats of rape, the Biscuit Technique and/or radiation poisoning. Scientists are now looking into the possible carbon-12 output of his much-coveted suit.

2005–2006

Wallace turned twelve on March 15th 2005, and experienced his first hormonal activity. Mrs Wetson never saw her young daughter again. His peers were wary of him, but allegedly only due to his Mafia connections (see below). In summer Wallace embarked upon another exploration of human sin, and in this period wrote his most famous work - Mein Kampf - Italian edition. Financial records show $40 billion as missing from the World Bank in direct correlation with his visit to North and South America in late July, but once again, nobody is able to prove anything.

North America

In July 2005 Wallace is reported to have visited New York City, Chicago, Salt Lake City and Los Angeles. Despite another frenzy of death and destruction which has given Wallace his New York nickname - King Kong - and the well-publicised corruption of his 'heroine' - Miley Cyrus - Wallace was well received in the States. CNET branded him an 'inspiration' and Fox News 'the next Jesus'. Wallace made a number of important contributions to scientific research and American Civil Rights (see below), as well as breaking a number of world records - including fastest pan American flight (lawyers are still trying to find a clause that outlaws a suit made of unknown substances), fastest consumption of a super-size McDonald's meal (12 seconds) and the most murders committed in a democratic city (58). He was also the first to claim victory over Judge Judy in a lawsuit. Wallace's public image was slightly marred by the kidnap of 50,000 children from a southern-state city, but as with every racist crime in New Orleans, the American Government turned a blind eye, and Wallace was given a permanent visa into the country. Wallace travelled down to South America at the beginning of August to further his political interests.

Militant Groups

Further Information: Forest Friends

In South America, Wallace is believed to have established the renegade militant group 'The Forest Friends', who are seeking to topple Latin American governments and replace them with puppet governments under the control of the one they call 'The Improper Dancer'. Wallace's militant group have so far been responsible for the kidnap, interrogation and murder of Strawberry Shortcake, who was later found in 2007 tied to a tree stump in Bolivia with numerous gunshot wounds.

It is thought that they were trying to ascertain the location of Strawberry Shortcake's vast platinum reserves and use them to fund their rebel movements in Latin America. It is also thought that Strawberry Shortcake was working for the Kremlin whom they hired after their hitsquad was forcibly 'retired'. Her prowess with knives was renown globally.

Historians are unable to come to an agreement over the main motives for Wallace's visit to America, though theories range from financial need, to leisure, to the protection of his family, or even a combination of all. Wallace says: "I'm a complicated guy."

Return to School

Children in Burnley playing the crucifixion game

In September 2005, Wallace was forced to return to Europe to protect his property in Italy against attacks from the Mafia and the Hartley family (who appear to have rekindled their war with the Snickets), and also to attend school. By now Wallace is believed to have developed a disturbing sexual appetite, despite being twelve years old, and is connected to the Great Catholic Virginity Loss of Lancashire in December of that year. His newfound fame and international reverence led to a significant distribution of Wallace-themed merchandise across South America, though experts have recently examined these so called 'toys' and found the cocaine content to be far above the legal limit for children's toys. sparking allegations that Wallace has been fuelling the Mexican drug wars in order to destabilise the government.

Over Christmas 2005 and into the spring of 2006, Wallace made appearances at his school Christmas concert, four football games (one fan describes him as a "demon") and a public speaking competition, where he is reported to have argued so fiercely and damningly that he made all the other competitors cry, and one commit suicide. In Easter, he was branded a "sickening child" when he replaced the chocolate inside the 'prize Easter egg' on the Lancashire egg hunt with the corpse of a Latvian child, covered in faeces. National Easter egg sales have declined exponentially since the event. Wallace was also reprimanded for inventing and distributing the rules of "the crucifixion game" to forty-seven Catholic secondary schools, resulting in mass crucifixion and the closure of St Wilfred's in Bury. Because of his "easterly" activities, Wallace has been charged with "disturbing the public", "indecency" and "inventing nasty games" and is expected to appear at court in 2041.

Brief Music Career and Love Interests

Historians describe summer 2006 as Wallace's "summer of love". It is during this time that he is believed to have developed relationships with "Chaz" and "El Nin" (see Sexuality), who represent the first people to exert an element of control over the troubled Italian boy. Wallace did not embark upon any criminal "tours" on foreign soil, but is believed to have visited Sabden on a number of occasions. He was also spotted having "dinner" (roasted Latvian boy) with Balafalafa in the Forest of Dean, and slipped out of public sight for a further two weeks.

Wallace's musical career began upon his return to school in September 2006, where he initially uploaded a "music video" to Youtube which is commonly described by critics as "the most disturbing thing I have ever seen", despite breaking none of Youtube's content policies. It was only once hospitals reported a surge of patients suffering from "Intrubitis" that the video was finally taken down, but every once in a while it circulates on the internet, sparking claims from mystics that "the end is nigh". Wallace made every single news channel across the world for his video, making it the most publicised news story of all time. Using this fame, Wallace spawned a number of hit singles (see Impact on Modern Culture) which were received moderately well, though psychologists suspect the songs contain a certain amount of hypnosis, creating the illusion of music. Indeed, several viewers have reported small mental difficulties after seeing the video, the most common being the inability to pronounce the word "Friday". Wallace originally planned to embark on a world tour but cancelled it on the grounds that "they should be coming to me, if they like me that much, not me to them!" Wallace can now be found performing his classics at an arbitrary pub in Lancashire.

2007: International success and fame

The VSD-HMA war took centre stage on Italy and Sicily

Experts can decipher very little about what happened to Wallace over the Christmas of 2006 and into the New Year. Mafia raids are suspiciously few and far between in this period, and it is not until February 2007 when Wallace appears in the public eye again, with a visit to London. Here Wallace is reported to have aided Svenna Majori in her success at London Fashion week, while proving unsuccessful in his own design attempts; Wallace's plans for the 2012 Olympic Tower are described as "disgusting", "phallic" and "just wrong". Wallace's visit to London is noted for his single-handed reconstruction of the London Underground and the famous 10-minute seduction of the Queen: "He's a rather short boy, isn't he?".

In the summer Wallace's wars with the Mafia and the Hartleys reached fever pitch when a high-profile naval encounter took place in the Mediterranean Sea. It is believed that priceless gems and historical artefacts owned by the Snickets and the Hartleys were sunk to the seabed floor on the 14th July, despite no evidence to support this. "But it's obviously true," says Pom Tickup, "you just have to read Ok! Magazine and all the gossip's there." Wallace's estates in Sicily suffered a stinging attack from the Mafia bosses, with some being completely robbed and destroyed. Wallace's butler, Cheeves, describes the aftermath:

The boy was furious. The very fires of hell gleamed from his eyes and it seemed that all the fury of a thousand years was unleashed from him in that day. He was inhuman. He yielded to the temptation and committed his worst act again - the biscuit technique. This time, the victim's very soul was destroyed.

The Great Heist

What followed has been frequently referred to by experts and general onlookers alike as the most decisive and successful event of Wallace's career so far. On the night of the 19th of August, 2007, Wallace and his assistants among the Snickets achieved the capture, torture and robbery of the top Mafia bosses in Sicily, utterly destroying their power base and transferring untold billions into the Intrubé vaults, an amount that appears to completely reverse the Mafia attacks of 1992. Wallace also reportedly released over half of Intrubé properties from the terms of 'The Postcard', but the item itself remains lost.

For this act, Wallace earned international praise, appearing on high-profile talk shows like Oprah Winfrey Show and Trisha. A guest appearance on the UK X Factor was turned down. Wallace gave several detailed press conferences, mostly along the lines of "Hahahaha, I win, you lose, because I win, which means you lose, therefore I win!", but also revealed many interesting facts about the history of Wallace's family (see The Intrubé Dynasty). Wallace admits he is much more open about his life and his family's past as a result of his glorious victory: "I can really start living now, know what I mean?"

2008–Present

In January 2008 Wallace began an autobiographical feature film, with the working title: This is me but in an April 2008 BBFC conference leading officials announced that the film could not be released in theatres or even multimedia stores, because it contained "extremely violent sex", "child pornography", "deeply distressing scenes of torture", "excessive gore", " frequent promotions of cannibalism", "no morals whatsoever" and "bad cooking advice". The film's rating committee unanimously resigned their posts, not out of protest but on the grounds of post-traumatic stress disorder. Wallace's autobiography, containing similar things, was instead censored and had to be stripped of disturbing content, going from a reported 2,164 pages to just 41. Wallace says: "They really ripped the heart out of my book. Reminds me of what I did to Underboss Antonio actually..."

Wallace has since opened a museum in Lancashire showcasing a number of his inventions and a larger number of the "trophies" he successfully stole from the Mafia. However, only a small number of these inventions have so far been patented by the Intrubé Dynasty, though nonetheless they are believed to draw in billions of pounds. Wallace also set up a wing of the museum to hold services under his own religion, Gluttonism (see below), though the attendance rates statistically never climb above single figures.

As of now, Wallace is a teenage boy living peacefully in the county of Lancashire, with a calm but lucrative lifestyle (see below). He periodically releases historical records in the form of competitions, where the first historian to find the records based on a clue from the previous set wins a choice, between a large sum of money and 'Sexy Time' with Wallace. In an interview with all the winning historians so far, none picked the second option.

Lifestyle

Further Information: List of Drunken Incidents Involving Wallace Intrubé

Seemingly Wallace's favourite drink, otherwise known as 'Blue Ribena'

Wallace now enjoys a quiet life in Mellor, Lancashire, restricting activities to harmless 'binges' on weekends and frequent road dashes in his car, which many believe is his suit. Some say he likes to relax in with his two dogs, Jacasta and Francine in his garden. Others say he does not pay taxes, being an illegal immigrant, and should anyone visit his door, they will be roundly repelled by the Fidelus Charm. On Wednesdays he can be found repairing electrical appliances free of charge, in the MEN Arena. Though his daily activities appear to revolve around his expanding foreign policies and his contribution to various fields of science (see below), analysts and journalists alike find the question of Wallace's sexuality far more intriguing.

Sexuality

Wallace has attracted international attention over the exact nature of his sexuality. While in press conferences he maintains he is straight and is thought to have invented the game 'tap' and the word 'clunge', evidence of his actions suggest otherwise. Hacks into his much-coveted iPhone reveals the presence of artists such as Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber and Girls Aloud, along with subscription to numerous prominent Disney shows - like Wizards of Waverly Place. Tim remarks: 'If he's not gay - then I'm your mother. And you wouldn't like that, would you?'

The truth may be far more ambiguous. Despite failed relationships with 'El Nin' and 'Chaz' in the early stages of Secondary School, it is thought Wallace has attracted the attentions of none other than 'Balafalafa' - often referred to as "The Badger". Needless to say, the fact she is female cannot yet be disputed. Wallace and Balafalafa were seen in Wilpshire on Tuesday, 29th June 2010, though whether this was a romantic outing or a discussion of business is uncertain, as it is known Balafalafa has a tight hold over properties in Yugoslavia and Transylvania, and connections with the Russian Mob.

Experts believe his affiliation with "The Ginger" was a romantic one, as she did not hold any known political power. Critics are divided over the situation. The Mysterious Mr Thompson - notorious confectionist and German Businessman, whose connections with Wallace are believed to be of a friendly nature, maintains that 'Wallace had strong feelings for "The Ginger"'. But Samalov says: "He's clearly overcompensating."

Bestiality

Wallace Intrubé has a history in legal and illegal bestiality, with a alleged preference for domesticated animals and reptiles. Several sources suggest the aim of the visit to the witch Kitty was to learn parseltongue, and Wallace held a prestigious reptile house under the care of Montgomery Montgomery until a Snicket fire burned it down on November 19th, 2006.

Wallace secured the purchase of 25% shares in the RSPCA and the handover of 2000 animals to further his biological research. Despite contradicting every policy the RSPCA stands by, repeated use of the Biscuit Technique sealed the contract, which was signed on December 12th, 2006. Wallace is now one of the senior advertising managers of the RSPCA, which distributes leaflets, television adverts and flyers across the UK. The animals purchased have not been seen since. During a visit to Thailand Wallace founded and spent two weeks running the controversial 'Forest Fun' scheme, which was claimed to be a "sect" of 'Forest Friends'.

However, in an independent BBC investigation undertaken in February 2007, it was found the society had developed a systematic Animal Abuse business, to cater to the bestial pleasures of the local area. Despite attempts to shut down the business indefinitely, Wallace pointed out that bestiality in that particular area was in fact legal, and a contract had been signed pledging immunity from all future law changes. Lawyers are planning to take Wallace to court on suspicion of political lobbying.

Theological Views

Wallace founded and is the sole voluntary worshipper of Gluttonism, a religion which prides the indulgence of the self in all situations, whether to the benefit or the detriment of others. It takes theories from Descartes and Hume, which doubt the existence of anything but 'The Self', contemplating the theory that everything we see could be an illusion or trickery. Wallace argues in his greatest work Mein Kampf - Italian edition that human endeavour to the aiding of others is based on the assumption that 'others' are in fact a reality and not illusion. Because nothing can be proven but the existence of 'The Self', Wallace states that the greatest achievement of man is to focus on only what is real and tangible - the advancement or experience of oneself. This grants permission to strive in every possible way to increase one's fortunes by any means - whether it involve simple money laundering and trading or what is forbidden in more 'established' religions such as murder, theft, and bearing false witness.

Wallace also uses the argument of Cartesian Dualism to put forward the notion that since the mind and body are separate, any physical harm done to a fellow human being may not be repeated in the mind, and therefore any actions one does upon another does not necessarily have to cause pain, harm or upset as it does to the self. Wallace supports the 'zombie theory' - that only the self has feelings and 'others' (who may not even be real) experience different sensations, or none at all. Therefore the established religious rule - do unto others as they would have unto you - is dismissed as groundless in Wallace's book.

Added to the argument that even life after death is doubtful (for the very essence of life is in doubt anyway), and Wallace presents the overarching message - humans can live to maximise their enjoyment of the world, or they can adhere to groundless religious fallacies. Wallace personally prefers the former, and advocates everything that could be classed as 'morally' unjust if it serves to ultimate better the human cause of personal enjoyment. Set out in 14 chapters, chapters 4-14 of 'Mein Kampf - Italian edition' cover advice on fraud, tax evasion, political lobbying, rape, torture (particularly the 'Biscuit Method'), prostitution, pornography, gardening, polygamy, incest and magical theft, outlining detailed examples of where it has advanced his own life.

Wallace's official supporter list totals one - himself - but he claims to slave tens of thousands of children to the religion through forced measures. The annual Government Budget advocates £3 billion to the ongoing search of these hostages.

Links with The Mafia

The unassuming home Don Criceto used as a base for his heroine dealings

Wallace's affiliation with the Mafia is shrouded in mystery and false tabloid claims, but biological testing has proven he is the grandson of a man known as 'Don Criceto'. It is believed he has extensive influence over properties in Naples and Sutri, Art Nouveau and the GCSE History Curriculum, but was forced to flee to England in 1959 to escape retaliation to his ordered kill on the wealthy seamstress, Sinyeta Silvo. All we know of Sinyeta Silvo is that she had a claim to the Intrubé estates in Lazio, which have now been passed over into the possession of The Boss. Searches of the Don's family home in Cambridge have found Silvo's eyelashes, legal papers, and $3 million worth of her famed dresses. However, these were lost in the Snicket fire of 2004, which burned down the family home and killed Don Criceto.

Historically the Intrubés and the Snickets have been partners in business and in marriage, creating an international conglomerate, VSD, which controls Coca Cola, Sky and the Polish Government, along with many private estates on the Mediterranean coast. However, Don Criceto's legal disputes with Mafia members created a suzerian situation whereby The Boss could confiscate his private equities if he broke the terms of the contract. Don Criceto faced mounting pressure to find and destroy this contract from members of the Snicket lineage, who did not want the conglomerate to collapse. Don Criceto began a heroine dealing business with most of the revenue coming from Milton Keynes and Burnley, and was able to bribe off The Boss until the Snickets, believing his death would end the contract, ordered an arson attack on Don Criceto's home. However, the agreement is reported to include a clause that requires the heir to Don Criceto to pay a 'relief' to retain his/her private equity. As Don Criceto's son is involved in matrimonial ties responsibility appears to have passed over to his son, Wallace.

Wallace's current political interest in South America are said to be the result of continuing pressure to overcome the terms of the contract - also known as 'The Postcard' - and take back legal rights to the conglomerate once more. It is still unknown as to what purpose the kidnap of thousands of children serve, but Wallace claims 'they're being treated moderately well. Who wouldn't want some love from me?'.

Impact on Modern Culture

The early life of Wallace Intrubé and his impact on Eastern Europe Government is currently studied in most EU countries (with the exception of Italy, who brand him a 'scourge to their people'). His (mis)deeds have been documented by journalists, analysts, historians and lecturers, asking the question 'How did Wallace rise to power in seven soviet states by 2005?'. Explanations range from 'The continual fundamental weakness in Eastern European government brought about by decades of corruption and laundering' to 'We don't have weapons big enough to kill him yet'. Despite causing a media furore, it has exposed the constitutional faults in many of the former Soviet Satellite states, and therefore has made Wallace somewhat of a hero to the west. Philip Pullman calls him: 'The most influential man since Michael Jackson'. His efforts in South America sparked a popular children's TV series called 'Whatchu talkin about Wallace?', and he was cast as an extra on Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, free of charge. Despite world fame, Wallace insists he does not chase it: 'I'm just a quiet man. I love a peaceful life, and my child hostages help me have that.'

Wallace also enjoys a successful music career. His singles 'Tap that', 'I would' and 'I'm just a poor Italian boy' have earned multi-platinum status, while his recent video collaboration with Lady Gaga won awards at MTV and the AMA. Lady Gaga has appeared fond of Wallace in interviews, saying: 'he's just as confused as me'. Though the summer period of 2010 will see his first World Tour, Wallace insists plans for a movie based on his life are in the pipeline. He says 'money is no object - but women are!' (See feminist views)

Horticultural Impact

Wallace has achieved world renowned for his horticultural art projects. In order to propose to his first wife, Svenna Majori, he made crop circles into the message 'Will you marry me?', painted the flowers two colours and used a wind machine to give the impression they flashed. Using his biological testing unit he also created a plant that cannot wilt and instead uses carbon fibre to hold its structure - becoming the first flower to fail to blend on the popular YouTube series 'Will it blend?'. Wallace says: 'You could place a concrete floor under the flowers and they'll still survive. Just planning ahead, you know.'

Further experimenting yielded a wifi-capable tree, self-mowing grass and a tree that can walk (but of course, Sabden had this first). He has designed gardens for Queen Elizabeth II, Robert Mugabe and Sting. Unfortunately, some of his more elaborate designs have caused epileptic fits among aeroplane passengers and the maze in Scotland shaped in the words 'Here be dragons' did nothing to improve relations.

Wallace's TV documentary about pollen: 'Sex in the back garden', is reported to have been seen by 3 million British teenagers, who are now undergoing something of a horticultural revolution. 'Gardening has become cool', says Mr Melia, 'and I've finally got a subject where I can be on the same wavelength as them now'. Currently the most popular flowers are tulips, daises, and poppies, which may be linked to the 3000% increase in opium addiction in the last decade. However, Wallace insists: 'It's all good fun'. Wallace has now been charged with a newly approved offence - 'misguiding the public'.

Scientific Impact

Wallace's own inception as an artificially-engineered human being has creates waves of revolution in the scientific world and led to modern genetic engineering. He is the first known artificial embryo and also the first parahuman. Though none of Wallace's superhuman powers have been possible to trace back to specific genetic mutations (he has never consented to scientific testing despite it being the reason for his existence), Wallace's main influence on the fields of science is the discovery that traits such as flying, superhuman strength and bioluminescence can be genetically engineered into a human being.

Lycophagus syndrome

Wallace is one of the world's most famous sufferers of the genetic disease, 'Lycophagus syndrome'. The genes responsible for the syndrome are said to have originated from a small farming community which settled on the land around Mt. Versuvius in the 14th century. Crops grown on the land had an unnaturally acidic pH and consequently the vegetation was genetically affected. Due to its remote position, the community was cut off from the outside world and years of intense inbreeding ensued. By 1657, when the first visitors from the outside world found the community, everyone was in some way related to one another and post mortems since have confirmed they all had Lycophagus syndrome.

Lycophagus syndrome effects the body in several ways. Sufferers tend to be smaller than those without the syndrome and this is indeed the case with Wallace. Sufferers also have diminished depth perception and usually have a lazy eye and so it is not uncommon for them to wear corrective eyewear. Finally, and most worryingly, Lycophagus syndrome causes immense sex drive in male sufferers. Often they are unable to keep their feelings hidden and often have lustful feelings for many females, and some males. Often these feelings do not come to fruition however they can be a cause of concern for those object to the sufferer's desires, causing heightened anxiety and paranoia.

Between 2002–2008 Wallace spent an estimated 4 billion dollars on finding a cure at his private drug facility in Detroit, Michigan. Since its conception Walldo-Wenworth pharmaceuticals made swift progress and its first cure was said to be 'the greatest advancement in the fight against genetic disease the world has ever seen.' (Pharmaceutical Journal June 2004). The company was on the brink of refining the drug, known as Intronite, for public consumption in 2008 yet it was suddenly closed on April 7th 2008. Many conspiracy theories have circulated since, yet only one seems legitimate. Walldo-Wentworth pharmaceuticals had served halal meat in its canteen since 2003 and inspectors visited the canteen on April 2nd 2008 to check it was carrying out its halal claim. One inspector got lost on his way towards the kitchens and found himself in one of the research rooms. He saw young children being tested upon, some horrifically disfigured. It later transpired that many of the kidnapped children Wallace could not be bothered to kill were sent to his research centre to be tested on. While more recent inductees had minor disabilities (such as hair loss and lisps) others were more serious (such as limb and skin loss). While Wallace is no longer actively involved in finding a cure for Lychophagus syndrome he still contributes heavily to 3rd party charities and research groups who work for the benefit of sufferers.

See also

• Sabden
• Mr Lamb
• Karen Armstrong

The Intrubé Dynasty

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