Svenna Majori

From Illogicopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Svenna Majori's 'good afternoon' pose

Svenna Majori is a model, politician, fashion editor and property developer of unknown descent or birth. She is best known for her vast estates across Eastern Europe, her looks, which are considered both stunningly attractive and horribly repulsive, and her marriage to Wallace Intrubé in 2004. She has supported a number of world charities, won the title 'Miss World' under four other names on consecutive years, and developed her own line of free-range hair care products. In her own words:

It's pretty safe to say all the things I have done are fantastic. But without a shadow of a doubt, the best thing about me is that

I'm not ginger.

Biography[edit | edit source]

What we know of Svenna Majori is fragmented and mainly biased, because most are infatuated or terrified by her looks, and this has, according to psychiatrists, coloured their opinions of her character. Svenna's birth and home life are completely unknown and are likely to remain unknown because she has a long-standing reputation for refusing interviews, and there are neither past nor present acquaintances to reveal more about her past. Therefore, general knowledge of Svenna's history can only be gathered from public information. Records of Svenna's life begins in 1995, with a brief sighting on You've been Framed.

You've Been Framed and Hagia Sophia[edit | edit source]

The earliest sighting of Svenna Majori comes from a clip of the world-wide revered TV show You've been Framed, where she is seen accidentally pushing a small child off a ledge. At the time, nobody had heard or seen Svenna. Her first public sighting came in 1996 when she famously bid for the Hagia Sophia, despite the absence of an auction, the licence to auction or the funds to match the bid. However, Svenna nonetheless now receives all revenue from visits to the Hagia Sophia and service collections. It was not until 1997 that Svenna was recognised as the woman in the You've Been Framed Clip. By this time it had also become apparent that the child had been pushed, in fact, over a cliff, and recent geo-tagging techniques have managed to reveal the location and height of the cliff - 103m tall. Still, there is much speculation over what happened to the boy. Locals insist on the death of this boy being reported in Bulgarian Newspapers the day after the clip was recorded - 4th September 1984. "I remember ev'ry newspaper arrticle these pas' ten years, an the ten befor tha', an the ten befor tha' an the fore yonder" says one villager. However, since Bulgarians famously keep no formal records, this cannot be proven. Most believe he survived, but may have been bribed or bullied into doing so (most local coroners are now either enjoying wealthy estates abroad or reside in psychological wards). Dr Frankland says: "He's obviously in another dimension."

Initial Modelling Efforts[edit | edit source]

Svenna made her first attempt at success in the fashion industry by showcasing an entire clothing line under her own label for the London Fashion Week in 1999. She chose Latvian farm girls as her models, who took most critics back as being extremely attractive and earned general praise. However, Majori's 'Not There' clothing line found mixed reception; some praising the ingenuity of clothes which looked just like skin, others condemning the whole line as 'insubstantial' and a 'con'. It drew most criticism from fashion magazine editors, one of whom quotes: "I've seen clothes, and they're not wearing them"; the rest refusing to give Svenna's line page coverage in any of their publications without essential censorship. Svenna was heard saying: "So many designers have issues over what to wear and how to wear it; I've simply gone further and removed the problem altogether. Who ought not to be singing my praises?"

Later lines included Morph Suits, Man Thongs and Animal Costumes; the last of which has found immense success every Chinese New Year since the millenium. Svenna also piloted a Biblical-inspired line of wear, but these were only popular in areas which are still in Biblical times (see Sabden, Clitheroe) where the line is referred to as 'clothes'. In 2002, she had huge success with her 'Not Fur' line in the Paris Fashion Week and received over $500 million in sales, but by 2004 it was discovered the clothes were made entirely of human children's hair, teeth and fingernails, and they were removed. Svenna was asked to produce a synthetic replacement for $2 billion but she refused.

Marriage to Wallace Intrubé[edit | edit source]

The Cathedral where Wallace and Svenna famously married

Wallace made a visit to Eastern Europe in December 2004. It is known from legal records that Svenna Majori owned vast estates across Romania, Bulgaria, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Ukraine, Greece and Hungary. She had ran for six district elections in 2003 and won four; and overturned key human rights legislation in Latvia, allowing her to set up the 'School of No Return' on the coast of the Baltic Sea, with the tagline: "You won't recognise you child once he's finished!"

Information on communication between Wallace and Svenna Majori is limited, but by the time Wallace landed in Hungary he had attracted a large media following, so it has been verified that he first made contact with Svenna on a preliminary visit to the Bulgarian National Assembly. He was observed having an Italian meal with her on the Tuesday evening afterwards, then mysteriously disappearing from the restaurant, and indeed, the entire city. Svenna was married to Wallace on Christmas Day, 2004, by cancelling the traditional Christmas Day service in Riga Cathedral, Latvia, and replacing it with their marriage service. Between this time and their divorce on 6th Januay, 2005, there are CCTV shots of them bickering, footage of Wallace appearing to be forcing Svenna to sign a contract, footage of a game of poker, and shots of both playing the 'drawing on their back' game; all under continued investigation. After the divorced, Wallace exacted 10,000 Latvian slaves, rumoured to be from the dungeons of Svenna's school, and Svenna took the seat of Chairperson of the National Assembly in Bulgaria. Common historical opinion is that the marriage was a purely political one with mutual benefits; but Madam Coyne believes firmly that it was once a happy relationship which, over time, went drastically wrong. "And the political benefits are there to cover up the mess they left themselves in," says Coyne.

2005-Present[edit | edit source]

Very little is recorded of Svenna's activities after this time. Despite international philanthropists and human rights activists describing The School of No Return as 'barbaric', 'immoral' and 'not what Frodo would have wanted', there have been no formal complaints about the school from parents, despite the fact they have not yet seen their children since it was set up, or perhaps because of it. Scientists have recently begun looking into the perpetual motion of a wind turbine situated just outside the turn, which turns despite the long-term lack of wind in the area.

Svenna launched her range of hair care products, "All's hair in love and war", in late 2006 with remarkable success. In the packaging, she describes the remarkable process which led to the winning formula: "Everyone's willing to sacrifice something for a cause. I sacrificed money, time and effort to create this incredible product. But I could not do it without the sacrifice of others. My children have willingly gone through hair loss, pigment discolouring, heart problems, face melting, death, unwanted limbs, blindness, homosexuality and marmite addiction, so that you don't have to. And I've sacrificed their lives. I hope that my selflessness may make your day better, and remember - if you experience problems such as those listed above, please, tell us, so that we may achieve the betterment of hair products overall. Your suffering is worthwhile. Enjoy this product."

Svenna also made a financial transaction with an entity only known as 'B', who experts believe may stand for 'Beyonce', 'Balafalafa', or most likely, 'Barney the Dinosaur'; but it is not known precisely when this took place - only that it did not happen before 2005. Rumours of resumed contact with Wallace have recently surfaced, with Wallace staying in unknown estates across Eastern Europe, possibly to further the struggle against the Mafia. Svenna also had a long-term spat with Karen Armstrong, and though the exact cause is uncertain, historians have theories. "It's definitely over who's sexier," says Dr Frankland, "but for me, Karen will always hold that special place in my heart."

Estates[edit | edit source]

Below is a list of Known and Rumoured Estates owned by Svenna Majori.

Known Rumoured
Valmiera, Latvia Hunyad Castle
Budapest Székesfehérvár
Thessaloniki Dracula's Castle

See Also[edit | edit source]