The Intrubé Dynasty

From Illogicopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The Intrubé Coat of Arms

The Intrubé Dynasty is an Italian family line with a history of political influence in the government and religion of Italy. They are the descendants of the even older Romero line, who had significant ties with the papace in the High and Late Middle Ages. Though the Intrubés have long held offices of power in Italian Government, legal disputes with the rising Mafia eventually pushed them out of government, and of the country. They still hold vast estates in Italy and Sicily and are currently attempting to reclaim power through the second youngest in the family, Wallace Intrubé.

History[edit | edit source]

The Intrubé line first enters formal records with the marriage of Adriana Romero to Sergio Intrubé. The story around the marriage is famous - and involves the last years of the Romero line.

From the 13th to the 17th century the Romero line had been a powerful family with influence in the Vatican. Three of the family became Pope and others held high offices in the Magisterium, and the success the Catholic Church had under their influence was internationally renowned, despite the rapidly-growing protestant movement. The Romero line had been reserved seats in high office because the Church was beginning to view them as a divinely inspired family, but power was only given providing the family continued to produce male heirs. Females were, of course, considered at the time to be demonic and anti-Catholic. As members of the Church were forbidden to have wives, the family was expected to produce two sons for each generation, so that a minister would be the nephew of the previous one. However, in 1747 Julius Romero died, leaving a daughter and just one son. The son, Pietro, chose to leave his seat in the ministry vacant and try to maintain the line through his children, but despite a record nine wives (eight of which were formally annulled from marriage by the Catholic Church), Pietro failed to produce any heirs and the line was broken.

Julius' daughter, Adriana, contested that any heirs of hers would have half of the divine 'power' vested in the Romero family, and ought to be granted offices. However, the Catholic Church maintained that the line was broken, but after considering the public support the Romero line now had, offered Adriana a significant sum of money and land to leave the Vatican, which Adriana accepted.

Adriana moved to Palermo in Sicily with a significant fortune and additional estates in Sutri, Campania and Lazio. It is there that, legend tells it, she met a poor stable boy called Sergio, whose family were blacksmiths. Whether the marriage was one born of undivided love or of the Intrubés' famous Biscuit Technique is still open to debate - but the origins of the established Intrubé dynasty come from this marriage.

Origins in Politics - 1752-1801[edit | edit source]

This period involves the birth and life of Pedro Intrubé, who campaigned for influence in Italian government, and it ends with the monumental signing of the Concordat in 1801. Adriana and Sergio raised Pedro with stories of the past Romero power and the belief that he still withheld the 'Divine Inspiration' his ancestors had been acclaimed for. His contemporaries describe him as a 'highly religious person' with 'profound moral values, and good taste in wine' (H E Meyer). Pedro made it his goal to reclaim power for the family line and sold some of his estates in Sutri to launder a place in Italian government. After the French Revolution in 1789 Pedro began to push for greater powers to be granted to the Church in education and in authority over government, modelling his philosophy on the Investiture Contest of the High Middle Ages. Five years and $20 million later, his policies were put into action.

Pedro enjoyed a number of political and public successes, with the Vatican vowing never to let the rest of Europe fall to religious ruin. 'My greatest wish is that Europe looked just like me', the disabled Pope of 82 was quoted as saying. By the end of the 18th century the Intrubé family had been granted huge funds from the Vatican in gratitude, and to use in political lobbying. Though Pedro, in his indulgence, used some of the funds to hold a monthly concert in his estate in Lazio (including without fail, the classic club anthem, 'Vivaldi's Four Seasons'), the money was especially useful in reversing the damage to infrastructure inflicted by Napoleon during his Invasion of Italy in 1799. Despite a number of public spats, two bookshop scuffles and a dead bird, Napoleon and Pedro finally reached a diplomatic agreement in 1801 - the Concordat. Some say the agreement foreshadows Nick Clegg in a purely political sense because in order to promote Pedro's own sons (Julius and Marcus) permanently into government, he agreed to sacrifice all of the Church lands in France (which had already been confiscated in 1790). However, unlike Nick Clegg, Pedro had a spine and unlike Nick Clegg, Pedro had a good reason for his actions - he needed to ensure there was a legacy that outlasted that of Napoleon.

The Intrubé Golden Age - 1801-1860[edit | edit source]

The Golden Age covers the careers of Pedro's three children - Adriana, Julius II and Marcus, and that of Julius' sons, Filius and Lucas, until the mob scandal of 1860 in which Lucas was involved.

In this period, the Intrubés were firmly established as legitimate members in government, from their father's success, the terms of the Concordat and the continued insistence on their hereditary privileges. The political talents of Julius helped cement this, with many commenting that he was an even better politician than his father. Without international worries, Julius and his brother Marcus were able to campaign for more conservative laws in ecclesiastical matters, including compulsory Catholic education for all Italians and the prohibiting of divorce. A steady stream of money helped keep support for the Intrubé cause, but surprisingly, so did the presence of the youngest child and only daughter - Adriana. Despite being viewed a disappointment for being a woman, she became a leading woman in politics, through the marriage to three different leading politicians. 'Each was the love of my life' writes Adriana in her memoirs. The 'alliances' forged (though tenuous at best - see 'The Inkpot Row') helped the brothers avoid near misses (see 'The Nearest Miss' and 'The Even Nearer Miss').

Marcus' memoirs went on to sell millions of copies and, a century later, earned a prestigious place in J.K.Rowling's book collection. The two brothers were succeeded by Julius' sons - Filius and Lucas. Historians argue to this very day over the exact cause of their vast differences, but the majority agree on the differences in parenting, for Julius and his wife were two diverse characters. Karen Armstrong says: 'If Filius was black, Lucas was white. If Filius was white, Lucas was black. Their parents caused racism.' Filius is recorded in written history as the conservative, God fearing brother, intent on preserving the pure Catholic laws in the face of overwhelming evil. Lucas, as his memoirs suggest, dismissed such 'nonsense' or, to quote: 'utter unequivocal usurping utilitarianism understandably underrepresented unless unionism uses us unfairly'.

Filius' attempts at preserving Church laws came under heavy criticism towards the end of the Golden Era as new views on atheism and theology began to grip the now 'enlightened' continent. Meanwhile, support from his brother was non-existent, who was using the family funds to lobby laws allowing increased drug trafficking and looser trading restrictions. While it vastly increased the Intrubé fortune, these actions were to eventually cause a political scandal, especially when the memoirs of Lucas were released. The era ends with the public sacking of Lucas, the demotion of Filius and the fight between both brothers' sons for the now-restricted seats in government.

Decline and Disgrace - 1860-1901[edit | edit source]

In the latter parts of the 19th century, the Intrubé Dynasty went through dramatic changes in policy, losing most of its prestige (and family members), and creating the dark glamour that has been associated with it ever since. By the beginning of the 1900s, there was only one member left to claim the Intrubé fortune and salvage back its power - Antonio.

Though Lucas was publicly humiliated in 1860, this did not stop his children following his lead. Memoirs show his strong willingness to teach any descendants how to make as much money as possible for the family. It is believed Arthur Hugh Clough used the following excerpt from the memoirs as a verse in 'There is No God, the Wicked Sayeth'

"There is no God, or if there is,

The tradesman thinks, "'twere funny

If He should take it ill in me

To make a little money."

Niko, Giovani, Ignacio and Marco were still offered places in government providing they pledged support for the new Governmental Transparency Bill, where officials 'would be forced to show their financial books each year and be subject to random inspections'. This appeared to work, and the five Intrubé family members (Filius included) continued to display balanced books. However, in 1880 Filius died, and the possession of the estate was open to question. At the time the will of Julius Intrubé was displayed in court to 'prove' he wished the inheritance to go through his second son's line, and therefore through Lucas' sons, 'thereafter to be decided between them'. The sons apportioned the estates between themselves and Alessandro, and Marco left Italy in rage. It is here that it is thought he made contact with the Snickets, insisting he was the rightful heir. However, nothing could be done until 1895, when delegates believed to be employed by the Vatican stormed the Intrubé mansion and found their 'real' financial records - exposing the corruption of the body which was set up to enforce the Governmental Transparency Bill. A series of political, personal and financial scandals were gradually uncovered by an increasingly angry public, leading to the eventual deaths of all four of Lucas' children.

The period ends with a visit to Italy by Antonio Intrubé (son of the dying Marco Intrubé), who began a legal case to claim his fortune - and the Intrubé title.

Finding the Middle Ground - 1901-1959[edit | edit source]

This period involves the recovery of the Intrubé fortune, slow recovery of political power, rising threats from the Mafia and the events which triggered 'The Contractual Crisis'.

Antonio eventually recovered the 'real' will of Julius, which passed the fortune on to the current eldest male heir (which would have been Marco, but he died before the court made a decision). Antonio was given the entire Intrubé fortune and a seat in government, but now only one Intrubé was allowed a place at any one time. Increased scepticism towards the Intrubé dynasty's role in politics led to Antonio being given fewer powers than his predecessors, and he now had to deal with the rising corruption that had settled in Italy. In his letters to his daughter, Rose, Antonio writes:

'There is too much evil at work in the state. Our role of Church protectors appears to have ended, for there is no-one with an interest in conserving their laws in a period of increasing nationalism. Interests have moved on, from the religion to the individual, and though our ancestors meant well, I think they were fighting for a dying cause' "

Antonio entrusted the education of his son, Julio, to his wife, Adela. His priorities in government centred around keeping the country (and therefore his own possessions) secure from invasion and crime, and the fair treatment of the population. Corruption was extensive under the rule of Giovanni Giolitti, whose mastering of 'trasformismo' significantly skewed the voting regime. Though Antonio's business interests were being perfectly catered for, he still made attempts to improve conditions in southern Italy, having spent a year in exile there before finally securing the Intrubé fortune. His success was limited, as opposition to governmental rule conflicted with Giovanni's political interests, but his diplomatic demeanour ensured the Intrubé dynasty was respected as a family in government.

The impact of the First World War, rising nationalism and the establishment of a Fascist regime greatly reduced the Intrubés' scope for power. While most educational history books describe him as 'despairing' at the state of Italy, only Karen Armstrong's book writes the quote: 'It's gone down the s**t hole, hasn't it?'. From this point on, the Intrubés turned their attention to the endeavours of the Snicket family, and established the now multi-billion conglomerate VSD. It is believed to have numerous purposes other than the distribution of Coca Cola, Sky and Polish Governmental Power.

After Antonio's death in 1935, influence grew slightly under his son, Julio, who used expanding Italian foreign interests to further his own economic interests and so provide funding to 'The Cause' (as he describes it in his diary). Rose protected the family estates and brought up Pedro II but was forced to deal with rising organised criminal activity originating in Sicily - the Mafia. By Julio's death and the promotion of Pedro II in 1955, the Mafia were already blackmailing the Intrubés into funding their schemes in government, putting a halt to their profits. Pedro pursued a policy of appeasement until 1959 when the Mafia demanded the handover of his wife, Elena, as a 'deposit'. Though he refused, the subsequent kidnap of Elena led to the signing of 'The Postcard' to secure her release. An attempt to find and destroy 'The Postcard' involved the failed murder of Sinyeta Silvo, and the subsequent death of Pedro at the hand of Mafia hitmen. His son, Carlo Intrubé (known as Don Criceto internationally to protect his identity), fled to England with the legal papers to his estates in Italy. The need to recover 'The Sugar Bowl' has been commonly named by historians 'The Contractual Crisis'.

Contractual Crisis - 1959-Present[edit | edit source]

From 1959 the Intrubé dynasty has been, in person, based in England, but in property, mainly in Italy. Carlo continued his mission to find and destroy 'The Postcard', and increase his political power enough to overthrow the Mafia, from his country home in Cambridge. Known to his English peers as 'Don Criceto', he faced mounting pressure to find and destroy this contract from members of the Snicket lineage, who did not want the conglomerate to collapse. Don Criceto began a heroine dealing business with most of the revenue coming from Milton Keynes and Burnley, and was able to bribe off The Boss for a time. During his stay in Cambridge he had a son, Michael, who married a local woman called Zoe. Michael was not required to aid his father n the Contractual Crisis and focused on family matters, with the birth of two sons - Wallace in 1993 and Lupin in 1995. However, mystery surrounds the birth of Wallace with rumours that he was conceived in one of the Snickets' biological testing units for the purposes of 'Human enhancement'. This may help to explain his superhuman nature.

Through to the end of the 20th century, Don Criceto also made significant advancements against Eastern European Communism and was a supporter of Gorbachev. He earned international acclaim for his donation to the EU who were attempting to unify Germany after the fall of the Berlin Wall, and a seat in the EU government. Criceto also happened to be a talented music producer and funded the creation of the 'Spice Girls' in the 1990s. "Those girls really are an inspiration to me", he said in a 1999 interview.

Spotting potential, 'Don Criceto' decided to educate Wallace himself, allegedly teaching him the arts of subterfuge, diplomacy, silent theatre, cricket, and criminal activity (so historians like Mr Lamb suggest). Wallace began criminal activity in 2004 with a tour around Eastern Europe. Karen Armstrong says: 'Wallace was the clone of his grandfather - perhaps literally! - except smaller, slightly fatter, and rather more sexually aroused. He was any nun's temptation.'

However, by 2009 the Snicket family had run out of patience and set fire to 'Don Criceto's' house, believing his death would end the terms of the contract. However, now Wallace had to pay a 'relief' to secure the rightful inheritance of the estates, which the Mafia reportedly set at $60 billion. Now Wallace and his brother Lupin live with there parents in Mellor, Lancashire. To this day, Wallace is still attempting to pay off the fine, while simultaneously continuing his grandfather's goal of gathering enough political influence to destroy the Mafia forever.

Family Traditions & Lifestyle[edit | edit source]

The Intrubé dynasty is a wealthy, aged and aristocratic dynasty with the common goal of retaining influence in the government of Italy. Though interests have more recently changed owing to the Contractual Crisis, the Intrubés remain, to this day, a politically influential family. Their internal relations, possessions and lifestyle reflect this position, and has become a topic of keen interest among historians.

Members in Governmental Office[edit | edit source]

Composition of the Family Line[edit | edit source]

The Intrubé Dynasty presents a peculiar family tree by most standards because despite its lengthy existence, it has failed to grow over time, but equally has succeeded in surviving. Historians have attempted to find a correlation between this trend and extreme family wealth by observing other families. but have found the only the Intrubés possess this particular sort of family tree. For example, there are at least 20 members of the Snicket family surviving today, despite the great fires of 1972 and 1992, which attempted to, in the Mafia's own words, 'purge the world from these symbols of sin'.

The Intrubé Dynasty Family Tree

Historians have attempted a comprehensive investigation into the issue, taking them through hundreds of thousands of centimetres of fields, and vast, unforgiving meadows, to find an answer. Research carried out under Dr Oreon suggests the influence of ecclesiastical duties which prevented the line branching out early on. Dr Oreon cites examples like Marcus Intrubé, who devoted his life to the church, and whose children were, according to him, 'his memoirs'. This is indeed literally the case for Erika Eiffel, who, after marrying the Eiffel Tower, decided to adopt a copy of Marcus' memoirs too, creating a new term - 'object housewife'. Others have ceded the possibility that devoting one's life to the church prevents marriage, and are currently reviewing whether the fact that this is true makes it reliable evidence.

In his book, "The essential science: Ancient Italian Genealogy", Dr Barnes argues that the line has acted rather like a slightly more mortal version of a Royal Dynasty; in that it would have "grown exponentially" (Children's version) or "grown like rabbits having fun" (Adult version) had so many members not unfortunately died as a circumstance of the Intrubés' situation. Barnes utters the memorable line in the fourth chapter of his book: "Had they not been killed, the line would have been filled". Certainly. the idea that the family has simply been stripped down by family accident, disease and international warfare, can be considered. As a result of Dr Barnes' work, he received four nobel prizes in a single year, earned a knighthood, and has had his life portrayed in a variety of films and musicals; including 'The Barnestormer", "Curious George" and "By George, he's got it!". On a debut World Tour, he was famously thanked by Philippine children, who remarked: "you have made such a difference to our lives".

Karen Armstrong briefly touched upon the subject in an upcoming action novel, suggesting that the inheritance disputes between Lucas' children towards the end of the 19th century and the lack of seats made available for the Intrubés during and after this time, discouraged future generations from bearing more than one male child. Natural enmities like that between Marcus and Lucas, were too destructive to risk, she once said, skydiving. She also raises the possibility that "the Intrubés simply weren't that fertile. Am I pregnant? No. There you go."

A final considered view is that of Pom Tickup, Holy Roman Emperor and Origami Enthusiast, who believes that 'unnecessary' family members were killed off as part of compromises, or in order to bribe billions. History was then probably hastily rewritten and the memory charm performed on the relevant people. Of course, there is absolutely no evidence to support this fact, as this would be the Intrubé intention, but it does tie in with the urban myth concerning the past existence of a 'lost Julio son' or 'the lost Pedro brother' or even 'the lost Don Criceto uncle' (depending on which way one looks at it). Though no formal summary of the myth has been made, historians attempted a short one, the contents of which can be condensed to one sentence:

"Julio had a second son, X, who also greatly expanded the Intrubés' financial reach, buying up assets in the Far East, and creating a secret island flight base in the pacific ocean; but at the age of 21 the Mafia wanted him dead in return for $10 billion and Pedro accepted, unaware of the existence of The Island."

Ultimately, the reasons for the nature of the Intrubé line cannot be fully determined, so historians have resorted to speculating over the future of the line. Common opinion, upon judging the actions and character of the current head, Wallace Intrubé, holds that the line is doomed to die out. "He's just too gay", says Dr Frankland, "and I don't care how many women he's been with, or is with now."

See Also[edit | edit source]