Queen

Queen was a former Emo band, founded by The King of England in 1970.

Background

Brian May was in a fix, he was a washout background singer who severely duffed a solo gig at a party attended by The King, as retribution, May was forced to assemble a kick-butt band to redeem kimself in the eyes of the royalty, or else... he would DIE.

*Canned laughter*

Unfortunately, the only ones who would ever join a band with Brian May were a convicted tax-evader and mediocre bassist Tim Staffel, and a dental student and castratus Roger Taylor, who got assigned to the drums. This is a stupid page.

The logo for "Smile"

But thankfully, their band was not Queen, it became an emo band ironically named smile. Frequently using songs concerning dental hygiene as metaphors for self-mutilation, the band earned only 1 fan in it's years of playing at retirement homes, who happened to by Staffel's "best friend", singing prodigy Freddie Manugiabamaonumaman (Later known as Freddie Mercury. Staffel, angered at the band's frequent failures left the band saying:

“So?! I'm not good enough for you mothas am I?? Why don't you f***ing get that motha f***ing Freddie Manugiabababa-(Feh!)-Mercury to play for you?? He's a big chorus geek, I'm sure he could help!!!”

~ Tim Staffel on Smile

Staffel went on to hump a bong, whereas May, inspired, promptly hired Freddie along with someone else no one had heard of, and kept on his steady streak of flops.

Queen Freddie

Freddie Mercury

Freddie was "normal" to say the very least, and "freaky-deaky" to say something more accurate. Upon entering the band, he promptly took over, demanding that it be re-named "Queen" after himself, and that he be renamed "Mercury" for astrological purposes.

In addition to their previous emo songs, Freddie slipped in an inspirational song entitled "Keep Yourself Alive", a song about Jesus (Click on this blue link), and several songs based on RPGs he was greatly fond of. The album entitled "The Queenly Queen" turned the head of Jack Chick, who was torn on where Freddie's allegiance lie, making songs about both Jesus and RPGs. In the end, Chick decided to judge based on whether Freddie was homosexual or heterosexual. Jack Chick went in to hiding and still does not know to this day.

Queen's next album entitled "Queen the Second" was entirely about RPGs. The fact that it sold better than anything Brian May had put out before effectively gave him a mycordial infarction, preventing him from working at all on the third record, which Freddie entitled "Sheer Heart Attack", in May's honor. The album was another surprise hit, mostly surprising for May, who, when he returned had no idea what weirdness had occurred in his absence. The other 3 would not tell him, later saying they didn't even remember.

Then there was the problem, even though Queen was selling better than they ever did before, it was still less than minimum wage. Not to mention the King of England was still on Brian's tail!

*Canned Laughter*

In an attempt to save himself, the band attempted one final stand at the Le Opera Populaire, playing for tips, singing such songs as "Death on Two Legs, (Dedicated to The King of England)", another emo song "Love of my Life", the John Cage tribute "'39", and finally "God save the Queen", a 100% improvised extended guitar riff.

Booed offstage, Brian May broke down into tears. Finally, with the King's royal guard just behind them, forming into a firing squad with the intention to blow them away as soon as the audience ran out of fruit, May inspired them all to take every ounce of emo they had left into one final goodbye song, so they could at least go out like Dimebag Darrel.

Their final emulsion of emo was quickly entitled "Bohemian Rhapsody", for lack of a better title. It quickly became really, really popular. Like, ABSURDLY popular.

The magical combination that resulted from May's desperate guitarisms, Taylor's falsetto background singing, Freddie's magical singing voice and lyrics, and Deacon's managing to fight off the firing squad backstage for the full 5 minutes, shook the audience out of their bitter apathy and actually impressed people. The song convinced the king to call off the hit, and inspired him to become a queen himself! Ecstatic about being a star and not being killed, Brian May wrote a song on the spot called "We are the Champions", which he sang on a loop for the rest of the night, with the audience following for every minute. From then on, all of Queen's songs became about pwning people, buying hookers, and being millionaires. The new outlook attracted an amazing number of new fans, until Freddie Mercury died...

...Yeah, that sucked.

Golden Age Songography

• "We Will Rock You": A song about how much Queen will rock you.
• "I'm In Love With My Car": A song about how much Queen's cars pwn your cars.
• "Tie Your Mother Down": A song about Queen pwning all yo' mommas.
• "The Millionaire Waltz": A song about the joys of being a millionaire after pwning everyone else.
• "All Dead, All Dead": A song about people who try to pwn Queen.
• "Who Needs You": A song about the people who think they can pwn Queen.
• "Fat Bottomed Girls": A song about hookers who pay to make love to Queen.
• "Bicycle Race": A song about pwning people at a bicycle race.
• "If You Can't Beat Them": A song dedicated to people who tried to pwn Queen and failed.
• "Don't Stop Me Now": A song about Queen having fun while pwning people.
• "Killer Queen": This article has an entire section about this one song. Just go read that section.
• "Play The Game": A song detailing how good Queen is at the game of love.
• "Dragon Attack": A metaphor about Queen's songs.
• "Another One Bites The Dust": A song about the many people who challenge Queen.
• "Don't Try Suicide": A song telling people not to attempt to escape Queen even in death.
• "Staying Power": A song detailing Queen's superlative staying power even after they pwn all the competition.
• "I Go Crazy": A song about how crazy Queen goes whilst pwning people.
• "Hammer To Fall": A song about Queen's competition waiting for the "hammer to fall" on them.
• "Pain Is So Close To Pleasure": A song telling about how getting pwned by Queen is almost pleasurable after it happens so much.
• "Who Wants To Live Forever": Queen does!
• "Gimme The Prize": A song about pwning people and becoming immortal afterwards.
• "The Miracle": A song about how much of a miracle it is that anyone is still around for Queen to pwn.
• "I Want It All": A song about wanting everything and getting it.
• "The Invisible Man": A song about pwning people as if they were invisible.
• "Hang On In There": A song about succeeding to hang on in there after pwning many people.
• "Chinese Torture": A song comparing the slow, prolonged way Queen pwns people to Chinese water torture.
• "I Can't Live With You": A song justifying why Queen pwns people.
• "Don't Try So Hard": Because it'll just be more painful when we inevitably pwn you.
• "All God's People": A song saying that Queen is the best of the aforementioned group.
• "The Hitman": A song about how Queen is like a gang of hitmen in the way the pwn people.
• "Bohemian Rhapsody": A song about how nothing really matters.
• "'39": A song about how Queen is actually a group of space travelers from a century ago that are angry about losing their hot wives.
• "Flash": A song about how Flash Gordon is the savior of the universe. More on him later.
• "I'm In Love With My Car": A song about sex-position-related innuendos.

The controversial song

An example of a killer queen.

Perhaps the most controversial song during Queen's golden years was one that first seemed to be yet another song about "Queen" being a "killer". But as the song progressed into it's first word, it became apparent that the song was not mentioning a band of four men, but of one woman;

"She"

The common title "She" often refers either to a woman, or to a sweeeet lawnmower. It became apparent as the song progressed directly further, that the song was indeed referring to a woman;

"She keeps her Moet et Chandon"

This is apparent, as lawnmowers traditionally did not keep Moet et Chandon anywhere, as they did not have it, preferring more fossil-based drinks, such as gasoline.

Well, now that the main controversy that the song is actually praising someone other than Queen is overcome, we can safely skip over the rest of the song and make conclusions. When taken as a whole one can plainly see the song's violent imagery and simple yet intense iamb. Of course this, along with the title, eliminates the possibility that "Killer Queen" was about buying hookers either, as hookers are supposed to love you. Through process of elimination as brutal as that detailed in the song itself, only one analysis is feasible. That "Killer Queen" is in fact, about a female assassin.

She keeps her Moet et Chandon

In her pretty cabinet

The first two lines establish an uneasy feel for the rest of the song. The Moet et Chandon in fact refers to an extensive library of poisons that the title character keeps on hand.

'Let them eat cake' she says

Just like Marie Antoinette

A throwback to one of the most evil people from all time is where the killer queen gets her catch phrase, proving that "U can have your cake, and eat it 2"...

A built-in remedy

For Kruschev and Kennedy

An ominous remark and the #2 source of controversy in the song, behind the possibility of crossdressing antics by band members. Obviously, Kennedy and Crush-nev were "remedied" out of office. If one could suppose Queen based their song off a real person, it would mean a vital connection to the seemingly unconnected events. When asked about this very thing, Mercury simply remarked:

“Even the nicest women can be such bitches, ya' know?”

~ Freddie Mercury on Krush-nev and Kennedy

At anytime an invitation

You can't decline

The "invitation", of course, referring to your inevitable death, most likely to be delivered by the titular character.

Caviar and cigarettes

Well versed in etiquette

A set-up to the next line, delves into her deceptive disguise talent, making her able to blend in to the most debonair parties in order to pick-off hard to reach targets.

Extraordinarily nice

This line breaks out of the form established by the previous verses. Here the singer seems to actually be complimenting the "Killer Queen", not expecting to be cut off when he is lulled into a false sense of security and killed!

She's a killer queen

Gunpowder, gelatine

Dynamite with a laserbeam

Guaranteed to blow your mind

Anytime

Self-explanatory. She is the female Chuck Norris.

Ooh, recommended at the price

Insatiable an appetite

Wanna try?

Another verse that breaks off early. It goes to suggest that she enjoys her job immensely. If you try to escape her, you will fail.

To avoid complications

She never kept the same address

In conversation

She spoke just like a baroness

Again, a comment on her thourough false-identity routine.

Met a man from China

Went down to Geisha Minah

Then again incidentally

If you're that way inclined

She even took the identity of a Chinese man, shortly after she killed him in a Geisha house.

Perfume came naturally from Paris

For cars she couldn't care less

Fastidious and precise

The "character" is very dedicated to her job, she does not want such vain things as perfumes and does not need cars even for such things as drive-by shootings. She needs to physically stay at the top of her game.

She's a killer queen

Gunpowder, gelatine

Dynamite with a laserbeam

Guaranteed to blow your mind

Anytime

This is repetition of the last time this verse was said. Look how it puts even more emphasis on the verse...

Drop of a hat she's as willing as

Playful as a pussy cat

The Queen is impulsive in her methods, and can kill a target as fast or as tortuously slow as she wishes.

Then momentarily out of action

Temporarily out of gas

Then, just as it seems she is slowing down...

To absolutely drive you wild, wild...

She's all out to get you

She kills you!!! She is out to drive you insane until she finally puts you out of your misery by putting you into more misery!

She's a killer queen

Gunpowder, gelatine

Dynamite with a laserbeam

Guaranteed to blow your mind

Anytime

The same as last time and the time before that that the chorus came on... Only now it's TRIPLE THE TROUBLE!!!

Ooh, recommended at the price

Insatiable an appetite

Wanna try?

You wanna try...

Like the same time the verse was said, except now a fourth line is added, a grim invitation to the listener to try and take her on. But if the song is of any indication such things are useless and the listener is only digging their own grave...

In a way, even though the song came well before Queen reached the top of their game, it foreshadowed the stunning surprise that was to await them next, as even they would meet their match, just as The Killer Queen undoubtedly did eventually...

...NOT! *Blamblamblam!* FOOLED YA'! It was meeeeeeee all along!

Later years and legacy

In all the people Queen owned, the only one they failed to own was Flash Gordon. In Flash's unstoppable excellence, Queen promised Gordon to make a song in his honor.

Unfortunately, Queen once again fell short of Flash's expectations, prompting Flash to swiftly kill Freddie Mercury in a slow, painful, and very unorthodox manner.....

Queens involvement in cold fusion research

In the 1980's earned PhD. Studied silver. Nothing found, nothing lost, nothing gained, nothing dizzied, nothing discovered, nothing wasted, nothing ruined, nothing bettered, nothing nothing, nothing nothing, nothing nothing, nothing.

Nothing. Nothing sung, nothing sang, nothing singed, nothing twisted. Nothing was rotunded either.

After Freddie's death

...

Stuff happened....

I mean, the band's still around, but it's not like it matters...

Nothing really matters...

To me...

Any way the wind blows...

*GOOONNNNNG*

Kings and Queens

Hey, you frog-wielding sword-toed poo-slinging timers! Here are the kings and queens:

William • Super Mario • The King of England • King Friday XIII • King Henry VIII • King of all Wikipedia • Raggle Fraggle King • Drew the blinds • Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus Tiberius Claudius Nero Caligula Rufus Romanum III • Queen Victoria • The Queen • Queen