The Great Pasta Wars
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“I can't remember a time when pasta wasn't fought over.”
Fought since the dawn of time, The Great Pasta War has led to the deaths of many smurfs, elves and Italians. Invented by Chuck Norris at the dawn of time, pasta was enjoyed by the world for several minutes until God in his ever drunken state decided to create the Italians.
Opening Stages[edit | edit source]
The arrival of the Italians changed everything and led to a 5 minute fight with Chuck Norris. Realizing that Chuck Norris was invincible, the Italians stole his mother's homemade pasta and fled in their typical fashion. Seeing his pasta stolen away, Chuck Norris sent his apprentice Al Gore to retrieve it. Al Gore's attempt to retrieve the pasta failed when the Germans intervened on the side of the Italians. Britain and France declared war on Germany and the second world war raged on for the next 6 years meaning retrieving the pasta had to wait.
Enter Jesus[edit | edit source]
Upon seeing the end of WWII, Jesus returned to earth in an attempt to return the pasta to its rightful owner. However, the Second Coming was overshadowed by the football game on the telly, and the only people around to witness it was a dog, a farmer called Jim, and Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Jesus returned to heaven thoroughly pissed off.
The Cuban Pasta Crisis[edit | edit source]
In the early sixties the Italians decided to sell pasta to the highest bidder. This turned out to be Fidel Castro, a second hand car salesmog and newly instituted dictator of Cuba. Putting the pasta on ships disguised as Soviet cargo ships they sent it to Cuba. Upon arrival in Cuba word reached America that Cuba now had a pasta surplus. Hundreds of obese Americans bordered boats in the Florida Keys and sailed for Cuba. When they landed the fat bastards were mown down by the Cubans easily since the Cubans didn't really have to aim very well to hit them. The slaughter of so many fat people became known as the Bay of Pigs incident. President Kennedy threatened nuclear retaliation against Cuba. Cuba sent your mum jokes to him in response and led to him having a nervous breakdown. He decided to go to Dallas to recuperate.
Chuck Norris returns[edit | edit source]
Finally deciding to act, Chuck Norris went to Cuba to ask for his pasta back in his normal nice mannered way. After experiencing one of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks, Castro told Chuck Norris he had sold the pasta to Bill Gates for an Apple computer and the promise to try to make a good Microsoft computer.
The Battle of Bradford[edit | edit source]
Realising that Microsoft will be making shit computers for years to come, Fidel and Chuck Norris hunted Bill Gates to the ends of the earth and ended up in Bradford where Bill Gates was trying to sell a computer to the last man alive who hadn't realised how shit Microsoft were. In a 4 hour battle between Chuck Norris, Fidel, Bill Gates, and his mindless slave drones (Microsoft employees), Bradford was reduced to a wasteland which unsuprisingly improved the standard of living for all of Bradford's residents. Bill Gates commited suicide and the entire world erupted in celebration at the news of the destruction of the evil Microsoft Corporation. The pasta was never recovered however due to John Prescott devouring it during the battle. Chuck Norris vowed to never let the secret of pasta fall out of his hands again. He hid the secret recipe in a dark cave below the the largest meatball in the world (located in Volgograd, Russia), sealed in a Ziplock bag and labelled...'yummy'