The Life and Times of Jimmy Westburger
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The Life and Times of Jimmy Westburger is the very first story EPIC done by The Colonel about a young teenager who ends up going back in time to Soviet Russia, killing Stalin, going back to his current life, picking up the girl of his dreams, travels to the future to stop the Obamapocalypse, then dies a painful death by the evil alien Gordor. It has inspired over 300 kids to puke their guts out and hit their teachers with baseball bats because of its awfulness.
Chapter 0:Prologue[edit | edit source]
Once upon a miserable, miserable time, there existed a 13 year old boy named Jimmy Westburger. His mother was a professional eater and his father a Forrest Gump impersonator. His Grandma Westburger was a professional wrestler and his grandpa a detainee in Gitmo. His Grandma Shell was a mollusk collector and grandpa a airplane parts factory worker. Jimmy's pointless existance proved worthless until one time where he felt like he was worth something.
Jimmy woke up on the morning of September 5, 2008, amist an economic recession in the land of America. He felt no remorse in the fact he stayed up the night before only eating Snickers bars and drinking gallons of Mountain Dew. This day marked his first day of school. In his Power Rangers pajamas, Jimmy walks to Elvis Presley Middle School, and stops along the way and finds a little piece of paper with the following words written on it:
“I wonder if Jimmy's going to be at school today? He's soooooo cute!”
Now, Jimmy wondered if this note was addressing him or that Jimmy Wales dude with the fancy leather coat. But, who was it from? He would never know. So, he continued on to school without stopping again. Upon reaching school, the guidance counselor gave him his schedule for this year's classes. In his first hour Spanish class, Mr. Lopez taught. He addressed the class saying "Hey, you wanna learn Spanish, pacos? 'Cause if you do, I got this!" They all nodded in Mr. Lopez's sanity. He listed off the colors. "Pacos, they a go like this, watcha! Rojo, asul, verde..." Jimmy raises his hand "Mr. Lopez, how is learning a few color names going to help you learn the language?" Mr. Lopez responded "Let me teach, Paco! I got this!" After the bell, Jimmy talked to his buddy Jack. "Jim, Mr. Lopez is a wacko!" "Yeah, Jack. I GOT THIS? What kind of catchphrase is that?" "Ida no, but I think we better get to chemistry before we're late and have to see Scrubby in detention."
"In this chemistry class, you will not learn science. You will learn SCIence. We will have 4 labs a semester and you will learn all the mixtures and memorize the entire periodic table." Mrs. Labby states to the class. Jimmy runs off and goes into the bathroom. He stays there until 6th hour history, his last class of the day.
"Welcome to the History of America. We will learn our past and see where we're going to see how it will affect our future. Today, we're going to learn about Soviet Russia." Mr. Jackson "Heh heh! Chamone!" Jimmy looks in his book which says this thing:
“After the Bolshevik takeover, Russia became the Soviet Union based on the communist principles of Marx. Influential leaders include Vladimir Lenin, and Joseph Stalin...”
After getting home, Jimmy heard his dad say "Err, well, life is like a box of chocolates...". Jimmy went and his mom said "The school said you missed most of your classes! WHY? Blah blah blah, yadda, yadda, yadda..." Jimmy prayed and asked the supreme overlords "Oh, if I could run off to the land in that textbook, I would give my entire comic book collection..." The spirits heard him. They took all his Superman comics and he was back in Soviet Russia.
Chapter 1:Soviet Style[edit | edit source]
The next morning, Jimmy appeared in a land much different than what he knew. He was in Stalinist Russia in the middle of World War II. He was a soldier off to fight the German invaders and wore his outfit with pride, even though he had no idea what happened. He saw this and it appeared nothing like what his little school textbook depicted. He knew no such words as "Stalin" or "Communism", but now got to experience history for himself. He was glad not to be at Elvis Presley Middle School, but at what cost? To be a solider for a totalitarian government? But, is this what he wanted?
The invaders came and Jimmy dodged every bullet and killed 33 German soldiers. He then got to talk to the Kool-Aid man who said "Jim, be careful what you wish for". He saw this vision and kept fighting. The Soviets won the battle and Jimmy was worn out. He looked forward to sleeping in the haystack for his night's sleep, but General Sally forced him to work all night and fight back in the war. Jimmy was worn out and was overly tired. He saw a message in Russian that said
“Джимми видеть лидера, Почетный Сталина. Пожалуйста, пришлите его немедленно.”
This was translated as
“Jimmy to see the leader, honorable Stalin. Please send him immediately.”
Jimmy seen Stalin and he took his AK-47 and took it to his face and blew it up. He flushed himself down the toilet and returned to the present, but it was altered greatly.
Chapter 2:Jimmy's One Love[edit | edit source]
Upon reaching home, Jimmy was greeted by his mom, who was cleaning the sink of the evil cowboy germs. He had reached his first day of school again and got to relive the horror. He went to school and he found the same note again, but this time decided to find out who wrote it. When reaching the guidance office, Jimmy asked to be transferred out of Mr. Lopez's Spanish class. So, the guidance counselor put him instead in health class. In health class, Mr. McCain decided to teach, and had no problem doing it. "Welcome, class. I am Mr. McCain. Please sit down and copy all the disease definitions on the board for the rest of the hour. I'm going to watch YouTube crap." And that they did. Then he met Jon Stewart, the guy from that show that doesn't air daily, and he asked Jimmy about processed gorp. Upon that, Jimmy based an incoherent rant about taco salad on. Thus, Jim and Jon's Mexican Import Company started. He dropped out of school illegally and moved to Cuba. After moving, the writer of the note was shot by the brownshirts and was sent to Gitmo upon death. Osama bin Laden then came along and then did stuff. Stuff happened. After that, something peculiar happened: Jimmy fell in love with a peanut butter sandwich. Then, the sandwich and Jimmy went to the Main Office in his and Jon's Mexican food place in Cuba. The sandwich molded. Jimmy cried. And cried and cried and cried and cried. More stuff happened.
Chapter 3:Oh yeah, Jimmy's supposed to pick up the girl of his dreams[edit | edit source]
Meh, Jimbo was walking down to McDonald's and met a 109-year-old woman named Mildred Jockleyn Fatbo and they did stuff. He ordered a Big Mac and sucked an egg. Thus, they married and did crap. So, they did do more crap and then they ordered a pizza. It had pepperoni, macaroni, cheese, anchovies, gorp, poop, crap, stuff, cheese, Uncle Pete, candy canes, grease, droppings, bacon grease, gravy, pineapple, lettuce, cheese, gorp, Wirry Wonkaa, Uncyclopedia, VFD, a dose of migraine pill juice, shoes, rubber, VFD, some other stuff, Wirry Wonkaa, tires, car parts, soap, stuff, things, objects, matter, old people hair, massive quanities of apple juice, parmasean, 33 gallons of expired spaghetti sauce, stuff, alien guts, Wikipedia, Uncyc, VFD, WAE, a useless list of ingredients and jelly beans. They ate the pizza full of pepperoni, macaroni, cheese, anchovies, gorp, poop, crap, stuff, cheese, Uncle Pete, candy canes, grease, droppings, bacon grease, gravy, pineapple, lettuce, cheese, gorp, Wirry Wonkaa, Uncyclopedia, VFD, a dose of migraine pill juice, shoes, rubber, VFD, some other stuff, Wirry Wonkaa, tires, car parts, soap, stuff, things, objects, matter, old people hair, massive quanities of apple juice, parmasean, 33 gallons of expired spaghetti sauce, stuff, alien guts, Wikipedia, Uncyc, VFD, WAE, a useless list of ingredients and jelly beans. The old lady died. Jimmy did stuff. Just read the next chapter.
Chapter 4:Jimmy Prevents the Obamapocalypse[edit | edit source]
Upon doing the crap mentioned before, Jimmy decided to go into the future using his tuna pudding of crap. He reached 2009, when Obama came around bailing out car companies. He did nothing but watch as financial regulation took place, and all that jazz. So, Obama invited Jimmy to the Blue House and Jimmy took a spear and stabbed Obama with it. He was then arrested by the Secret Service and deported to Gitmo. After reaching Gitmo, stuff happened. Joe Biden, the new President, gave him a pardon because thanks to Jimmy, he was the President. Upon going back to school, everyone cheered as Jimmy defeated Obama and saved the world from economic turmoil. But, as we all know, not all stories have a happy ending.
Chapter 5:Death by Gordor[edit | edit source]
“Random Mashing of the Keyboard”
Thus, Jimmy was sent back home. Gordor, Obama's alien creator, was not happy about the death. So, he captured Jimmy and sent him to imprisonment. He was forced to eat serrated tuna, slapped in the face with a dead fish, forced to listen to Justin Bieber for 345 days, sent to the Island of Crap for a swirlie, and was shot out of a cannon and died. Gordor then created Al Gore. He invented the Internet.
Epilogue[edit | edit source]
What have we learned? Oh, that's right, nothing. Good night.