User:Gruntled/The tale of the butt lobster and the moose
Once upon a time, the Great Unseen Hoof was bored from sitting too long on Sofa No. 2. Billions of years had crinked by, fallow in their purpose and ludicrous in their hearts. Many other gods had undertaken to break the boredom in myriad ways. Spooky Action Right Next To You developed bubble [[universe]s composed of spider webs and non-fat milk and populated them with fanged meats. Chaotica founded religions based on slapping obnoxious people with cactuses. This was by far the most successful at something yet to be determined.
Boredom among the gods is so common they have hundreds of words for it. Ennui was invented so that the gods could communicate the barest whiff of the idea to humans.
Butt lobster grew up in Altmodischeaffenwerfenstadt, ten miles north of Kaliningrad. It was born to a noble family of butts and antennae with stuff in between. It was half male and half female, split down the middle in sharply contrasted blue and yellow. The arc of the melodic ran as a pike in this one, and he inherited opposable thumbs on his claws from both parents. One day, butt lobster was salivating precariously during an ill-fitting lunar phase when he neatly stumbled and jabbed the moose with a wrist corsage.
It mistook antlers for fins and began to procrastinate. Because the moose was female with a mouth full of walnuts, it assumed royalty or bureaucracy and spoke in Romansch.
On the following Thursday they agreed to meet for coffee and a hot tub soak at Fursey's Soak 'n Toke. They talked of life and love, of the small ideas of big men, the receding hairline of moose's oldest son and resolved to start the first yodeling society in Minnesota.
As they soaked and toked, colors became more vivid, language became pliable and they were joined by an Italian immigrant family of performing seals. The pair moved to the lard bar and selected a toxic, quiet booth in which to plan and plot. Joining antler to antenna, a thought grew into an idea, which became a graboid in sundry ways. They vowed to question all vampires on their allegiance to the fourth estate. The press, of course, being controlled by religious men with odd haircuts.
As always, a Japanese soldier was discovered on Guam in 1972, having hidden in a cave all those years. Since he'd grown antlers in solitude, the butt lobster thought it would be fitting to regard him as a symbol of tenacity. Having recently moved to Tena City herself, moose went to confession weekly to build up God credits. Compound interest made it possible for her to go to heaven as early as 2018.